More wedding AIBU

[Themind]

Sister gets married next year, her husband to be has a nephew and two nieces. I have one son. They live in Ireland so we don't see them too often. My sister is always saying publicly how wonderful my son is and how much she loves him all over Facebook. I offer WhatsApp calls and Facetime but she never makes time and doesn't seem to realise that a 6 year old can't stay up till 10 when she is ready.
I offer to.meet up with her when she comes over with my son but she is always otherwise engaged. I find out that she has been spending time with her fiancé's nephews and niece.
My son is looking forward to being a page boy with he other children. I am friends with her partners sister on Facebook and she has been posting pictures of her kids in their wedding outfits provided by their auntie to be.
Meanwhile she has texted me and advised me I need to go out and buy XYZ for my son. I didn't mind as they are allegedly on a budget but I feel like she has replaced my son with them.
I will buy him what he needs but I'm miffed TBH he is so looking forward to it. She has just shelved my son hasn't she. :(

Are the fiancé's niece and nephew living in Ireland close to them? Financially maybe she thought they needed the help. But if it was my wedding I'd be buying all or none, I wouldn't pick and choose who I am paying for and who I am not.

Well, it depends. Does his sister go and visit them? Does she invite them over to go and have days out?

It sounds like you're just making vague offerings rather than proper suggestions of plans.

Maybe the sister is strapped for cash so can't afford the clothes? Maybe his parents are paying for the wedding so your sister feels she needs to contribute?

We have been a few times over to visit so no issues there. Our parents are paying for the wedding. It's not hugely extravagant but will be lovely just as she wants.
I can buy him the clothes it's not really about that but it's about her favouring the other kids. Part of me wonder if it's to keep in favour with her fiancé's family where she knows I'll always be there ( just feel like my son is second best).
I do make concrete plans, she doesn't drive so I arrange to take my son to wherever she is when she stays so she can spend time with him. She cancelled on seeing her own nephew several times to do tother things so don't quite know how else I can make myself more available. Yet she catches trains and buses over to the other side of East Coast to spend time with his niece and nephews.

They come into Liverpool we re in Manchester they are on East Coast in England.

I just feel you wouldn't buy for three out of four of the children in your wedding retinue and leave one out.

She’s spending time with her fiancé and getting to know the family that she will be marrying into. Honestly it sounds really childish to see that as replacing your son.

How are you going to feel about when she has her own baby and other people’s children become even less important to her.

I said she has shelved him not replaced him. I feel like it's unfair that she cancels on us, then favours 3 out of the four children who are in her wedding retinue.

Ah if your parents are paying for the wedding I'd guess that her SIL has assumed that covers everything so your sister has paid to save any embarrassment or awkward conversation

I think it's actually quite reasonable on her part - buying for a 6 year old you don't see that often can be really hard, surely he needs to go and try on and get the right size of clothing (and as his mum you'll know which size he needs!) rather than her buy something and post it over to find it doesn't fit?

Your child hasn't been shelved, but people often have closer relationships with people they are physically closer too.

She lives in another country so it just makes sense for you to buy the outfit. What if she sent you one that didn’t fit which is not unlikely given we’re talking a 6YO she hasn’t seen recently and then you’d have to post it to her, to return in Ireland, to then start all over again. The ones that live local probably went shopping together because it was convenient, not because they’re in a conspiracy to leave your DS out. Sure she could have offered to bank transfer you the money but if you’re comfortably off maybe she thought you wouldn’t need the money, or she’s struggling and thought you wouldn’t mind.

Why not just say "I can see you've paid for the other outfits, why am I expected to pay for DS?"

They don't live local they live in England as do we.

Maybe your sister thinks you can sort out the money for your sons outfit directly with your parents as it’s them that are paying for the wedding. It would be awkward for her SIL to do that, but much easier for you.

You’re seeing this as about the children because you you are so mindful of your sons feelings, but your sister is seeing it as spending time with her future family, not just the children. She’s making extra effort to build her relationship with her in laws because she already has one with you.

Are your BIL-to-be's relatives the only family your DSis has in Ireland? If so, it stands to reason they are going to become close as she builds a support network around herself, and you should be pleased she's not alone.

As above they are in England not Ireland.