Do I raise this or ignore

[Mistletoebro]

Stepchild 12. Have been in their life since they were 4. A number of years ago they went round telling people I was horrible (we think to please mum who was being difficult at the time) and it caused a lot of problems. As a result I try not to be alone with them if I can help it and don’t parent at all when they are round, leave it all to my husband. I enjoy their company and chat to them but parenting is left to husband.
My younger child told me they told her they don’t like coming to our house because they don’t like me, because I make them do loads of jobs.
Im gutted (feels like it’s happening again and I don’t want things to get worse, I try really hard to give the kids a really nice life). I don’t parent her or ever ask her to to do anything but my husband asks her to do one job a week for her pocket money which I think is more than reasonable and no different to the other kids.
i don’t like that she has said this to another child (talking about me behind my back) rather than raising with me or husband. Am I making a big deal? Do I just ignore and move on? Or do we raise this with her which will probably have repercussions?

I’d let it go. If your DH has a go, and it’s about you, it might sound to her like he’s siding with you against her. It won’t help. Just make sure your DH knows what has gone on, and leave it.
She is heading into hormone/teenage years so I doubt it will get any better.

Leave it. She's 12 so pushing boundaries.

I would definitely tell DH. At 12, she’s old enough to understand that lying is wrong and that you are not the one asking her to do the job, her father is.

I would get her dad to speak with her about it, and to ascertain whether she means it, or whether it's just something she's saying for affect.

She needs to have this nipped in the bud, otherwise you've got years potentially of an awkward relationship.

I wouldn't like my own ds speaking like this about our household (and yes, he's 12 and has to do chores!). I don't see why she should be able to bad mouth your house without and recourse (or at least trying to find out why) just because she's your sd

it’s a 12 year old venting and moaning, it’s what they do.

Dont pay any attention and don’t give it oxygen.

I would tell her you have security cameras in the house rather pick up everything.

that pick up everything

She’s 12. First rule of parenting teens (& nearly
teens) is pick your battles. Do not make everything a fight. Personally a nearly teen whinging to their sibling is not a battle I would be choosing to have

Roll your eyes internally and move on. Surely every teen moans about doing chores.

I'd let it go. You sound like a good person OP, so this isn't intended as a dig at you, but I do wonder about the emotional cost of the blended family model for many young people.

It depends on what the relationship is like between her and your younger child. If sharing what was said is going to damage things between them, I'd talk it over with your DH (to keep an eye on things), but not challenge her at all.

Sounds pretty typical of children of that age. You’re the adult so choose whether or not it’s a battle you want. Read some of Daniel Siegals stuff about the adolescent brain and remind yourself it’s not actually about you, but more what is going on with them, so it’s fine not to take it personally.

Honestly, she sounds like a young person who is carrying a lot of grief about her split family and that she projects this unhappiness onto you. No doubt because she cannot face being angry with her parents because she fears losing them to an even greater extent. Her dad is spending most of his time in another family and she feels hurt. I think your approach of engaging in chitchat but leaving the parenting to her dad is perfect. And it's normal for kids to whinge and moan. I think you are actually doing fine, I think it's sad she isn't getting support for her unhappiness but again, that's for her parents to sort out.

i don’t like that she has said this to another child (talking about me behind my back) rather than raising with me or husband

She’s 12! She’s still a child but you expect her to “raise” an issue with you. She’s had a moan about doing chores, all 12 year olds do.
The comment about not liking you, doesn’t surprise me. You said you try not to be alone with her, this would be fairly obvious to a 12 year old, she’d definitely pick up on this and as a result probably thinks you don’t like her. I understand leaving the parenting to your husband, but to avoid ever being alone with her must be difficult when she spends time at your family home. I can imagine that makes her feel really uncomfortable and unwanted.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. And a few years ago they must have been very young. You seem to be very sensitive and reactive to kids. These things aren’t big deals. Try to be the grown up here.

Agree what 12 year old raises issues like this.

op do you have children, are you used to children? Your behaviour to this young girl for the sin you perceive she committed years ago isn’t ok.

I would be hard pushed to speak to her, because you've already backed right off and she's still got something to say! I would certainly raise with your DH, and maybe get him to speak to her

How olds your child?

Yes she needs pulling up on slating you to a sibling. Siblings are impressed by the words of older ones! She has no right to start messing with your relationship with your dc.. Or is that her thinking?

i don’t like that she has said this to another child (talking about me behind my back) rather than raising with me or husband

What she’s basically saying is that she finds it difficult having a step parent and being part of a blended family. How exactly is she supposed to raise that with you? If she did, she knows there’s no chance of her getting the outcome she wants and she would probably be left feeling like you think she’s wrong to feel the way she does.

Children do things like this when they’re unhappy. It’s a way of communicating when the actual problem they’re feeling is too big for them to deal with. You are coming at this from completely the wrong perspective as if she’s done something wrong, when really she just trying to get across how unhappy she is with the situation she’s been forced into.

Dont take it to heart, tell your daughter to suggest her step
sister speaks to her dad if she says anything again. Don't all children moan ? You could mention it to husband and he can check out she is ok.