*trigger warning - sexual abuse* - so sick of lying?

[RachD90]

So long story short in a family drama. When I was a teenager, my uncle (whom was a father figure) sexually abused me. He and my aunt had 2 children together and of course she divorced him. However she never restricted any acess to her kids and I dropped all charges due to being a very young teenager and not wanting to hurt the family. Was treated badly by his family as if I'd done something wrong. Fast forward 18 years, here we are and her kids have no idea about any of their father's wrong doings. Our side of the family are a tight knit family and always attend big events. Recently had a big family event (for one of their kids) that the abuser and his family were invited to. It was expected that I wouldn't go and just play along. Don't get me wrong, I don't want her kids ( my cousin's) to know exactly what he did, but I think they should know there's something going on to make their own decisions ( they are now 25 and 21). So I didn't go to the event , but am I being unreasonable to feel so hurt and unprotected by my aunt? I understand protecting your kids but I just feel like I am accepting blame and hiding from what happened to the point it's causing me more trauma. I feel I can't have a relationship with my aunt anymore due to this. Sorry for the large post but really just looking for some views on this and how to deal with my feelings.

You are not being unreasonable and I think I’d really struggle to have any relationship with my aunt if I was in your shoes.

you shouldn’t be hiding this like it’s a dirty secret. He’s the only one who should be feeling guilty

So sorry this happen to you.

It really is something I can never understand: that people within a family will protect the abuser and somehow either blame the victim or expect them to keep quiet about what was done to them.

I think I would want nothing to do with an aunt like yours. She failed to support you and she put her own kids in harm's way by letting a child molester have access to them.

She should have supported you in reporting this man to the police so that no other young person would ever be at risk of being molested by him.

I know you might not want to face the trauma but I would be tempted to expose him to the rest of your family and to even consider reporting this to the police.

It shouldn’t be hidden, but I also understand the myriad of feelings and relationships that lead families to hide these things. It isn’t (always) about protecting an abuser, it all the people around them. So many feelings are being protected, and for a spouse I guess it is hard to accept that the person you love is ‘that predator’.

Ultimately in all these feelings it is the victim that is forgotten or shunned. It is awful and I’m sorry. But you have your close family, that is what matters. Cut your aunt out, she isn’t able to support you. Your cousins know no better, but truth has a way of coming out. Everyone ends up the victim of an abuser, and it is horrible.

Thank you all for your responses, really so helpful and appreciated. And @Caplin you've really summed it up well - I've no doubt of why things were handled the way they were and I really feel sorry for her but can't keep holding the blame if that makes sense. Thanks so much.

I should also add that I've felt a lot of guilt around what happened with my cousins not being protected and worry over the situation but was never my place to say. So I think I'm just ready to take back control and really get over it all

First I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I can kind of understand I was SA by both my biological father and step father when I disclosed to my mum about step father she split with him for a short time but got back with him I left home moved abroad and had nothing to do with her she split with him a little while later
we still struggle with our relationship now due to that she took him back and I felt she chose him over me.
must be so hard for you as your “uncle” is still part of your extended family.
I would make a decision either way either go to the events head held high or cut them off completely.
don’t be fooled that your cousins haven’t been abused as well if they can keep quiet for you then I no doubt they would again.
Also it’s never too late to go to the police I took my step father to court over 20 years after the abuse finished

So sorry you've been through this but I feel they should be made aware. They could go on to have children of their own and will need to know in order to keep them safe. He shouldn't be unsupervised with any children.

I hope you've go support outside the family

I started counselling not long after I posted this and working on self esteem. I cut her out and it's the best thing I have done. I feel much more confident in myself and helping me to re-evaluate relationships in my life that are aren't serving me. So thanks for all your kind advice 😊