To be so angry with DP that i don't want to talk to him (long rant, multiple issues)

[lucyellensmum]

Things in the LEM have been tough of late. Old story, hey ho. Its life i guess. DD is getting a real daddies girl and wants DP to do everything and kicks off when he doesn't/can't. This morning it was like that when she wanted him to put her shoes on and he was running late for work. She starts tantruming and i make a comment "he we go again, is there any wonder i look like a fecking bag lady" something like that. Then he has the audacity to say to me something along the lines of "FFS, you do know you put so much stress onto this family!!". Yes, i am officially depressed on ADs and i do struggle sometimes. But that was uncalled for. I was just passing comment, the way any other SAHM would facing a difficult day, in the pissing down rain, with a toddler who will perpetually whine for daddy all day. I dont think i was BU.

I just told him to think very carefull about what he said to me. We have had such financial troubles and it has put a huge strain on us. We have both buried our heads in the sand for the past two years really. Then i did his accounts for the last tax year and it turned out that his profit was about £8K, that with a £800 a month mortgage and credit card debt does not add up, is there any fucking wonder our relationship is at breaking point.

But all this time, I have shouldered all the blame, it was MY PND, MY health anxiety, MY bereavement, MY short temper that put all the pressure on HIM!!!! I was the one who put so much pressure on him that im scared to argue back anymore because he just flies off the handle and really loses it, because he has all the financial pressures to deal with, so it is much worse for him . WHAT does he think i do, sit at home and not give a shit about it, do i not worry how we are going to pay the mortgage every month, do i not cry EVERY DAY about the debt and feel helpless to do anything about it? If he had packed the business in when it was apparent that he was earning nothing we wouldnt have been like this - i feel so resentful just now i can hardly look at him. He was earning 30K before!!

I have spent two years feeling guilty for staying at home with DD, but i feel so strongly about this i coudlnt bear to go to work and leave her (i have personal reasons for this and have no problem whatsoever with working mums, im quite envious in fact).

He has issues with the way he works that contribute to the business not working and he refuses to address them, or admit defeat.

The comment about it being ME who puts this family under stress this morning may well be the straw the breaks the camels back. I usually ring and text him loads of times, im qutie clingy and dependant because of my depression, but ive not rung or texted. Has he bothered to call me to see if I am ok, to see if I might be upset. NO

Now here comes the bit where i KNOW i am being unreasonable. He has the opportunity to take the business forward, its no garuntee but if he can pull it off i know it will work. BUT this will mean working late probably every day and he doesnt accept that. He insists it wont happen, so instead of me being prepared for it, i will ring him and ask when he will be home etc, oh, not long will be the reply and i will be stressing because i will have kept DD up etc, be looking down the road for him to come home, whereas if he were to be fucking honest about when he will be home, i am fine with it. I dont want him to do this, i really dont, i do not think the business should come before his family. It clearly has taken this family to breaking point.

My counseller said to me that i shouldnt be so hard on myself that not everything is my fault. I am begining to realise, she is right and i am SO ANGRY!!!!!

I will now sit back and wait for the YABU comments to flood in. I guess i know deep down i am.

YABU, Only joking you are so not.
I am sorry to here that you are having such a hard time.
Every thing is not your fault your DH has equal responsibilty for your family and neefds to support you at the moment. I don't think it is your Dhs fault either, sometimes everything is just shit.
Things really can only get better but you have to take some positive action regarding the debt problem. Whether that be dh working all hours for a while on the business or going back to paid employment.
Your DD is 2 isn't she, she will be atrating at nursery soon so maybe you could find something part time. I tried everything work wise though, I am doing mu childminding course as I have given up on all the other ideas I had. I did virgin vie which ended up costing me more than I made, i also worked from home which just made me feel completly depressed as I had DC there but was not giving them my full attention. Have you considered childminding? Just an idea may be totally inapproriate for you.

Anyway what I am trying to say is look to the long term, which is so hard to do when you are depressed. You are not supposed to have money when dc are small, but you need to regain control.

((((((hugs))))))

Oh poor LEM. I don't think that YABU, but this is a very complex situation with multiple issues, and it sounds as though you are both under a huge amount of pressure.

Is it possible to BOTH see a counsellor who will help you to unpack all the various issues, work out whose issue they are, and address them one at a time?

Is it also possible to reduce your outgoings, or are they at breaking point already?

Sorry to hear you so glum.

YANBU.

are the debts actually under control now?are you getting any money yourself such as tax credits,or sick pay/incapacity?

your depression may have added to the stress but its not your fault,you didnt ask for it!

your dh is just taking out his frustration on you when he says nasty things like that.he probably feels bad that he isnt being a 'good provider' and cant spend more time with his dd.

maybe you should sit down and talk when you are both calm,and discuss exactly how to handle the situation,in a calm and rational manner?

LEM, I know exactly how you feel. I was there not so long ago. When I was pregnant my dh decided he was going to start his own business. I kept asking if he could possibly put it off for a year as I was having a difficult pregnancy, was quite depressed and felt that I couldn't support him properly.

I also needed him more than ever, and knew the new business will keep him too busy.

After 6 months of only my wage coming in and our debt mounting up, he packed in the business and took a normal job. 6 Months later he gave that up and went to work for a company where he was required to do cold calling. He hates cold calling, has a mental block about picking the phone up, knew he was required to do it in this job, but took it anyway.

He then spent an awful lot of money we didn't have on a hypnotherapist to cure him of this mental block (didn't work btw) and still we lived with the fear that he will get sacked any day as he was not bringing any business in.

I think I hated him at one point. He had ripped my security out from under me at a time I was most vulnerable and it's taken him nearly 2 years to realise the impact of his actions. Especially the fact that ever single person we know had consistently told him what he was doing was wrong, but he had his stubborn head on.

It has taken a lot of work to get past all this. I resented and blamed him (rightly or wrongly) for a very long time. It was the way he had made me feel through all this that was hard to forgive. But I have. We have had councelling and I can finally say we over the hump.

We are now going officially bankrupt in February. It's awful to think that he could've avoided all this if he had only listened, but there you go. We can't turn back time and I'm confident he has learned his lesson (albeit an expensive one for both of us!).

This is so long, I'm so, so sorry. My point is I can see where you are coming from. I don't know what to advise, but I do know that me and dh needed a third, objective person to sit between us and be the referee. It can't work for everyone, but it did for us.

Good luck and I really, really feel for you. It's horrid where you are now. xx

thanks everyone. I know DP is only doing what he feels is the right thing for his family. I can't really see a way through it though. It is so up and down. DP is up at the moement because he is expecting a cheque, but give it a week!!! The problem i have, is when i can see DP is down it sends me spiralling into my depression again. I blame myself and just end up saying sorry all the time. To the point he is screaming at me.

HAving this business has always been DPs dream, its just a shame that it has to be our families nightmare

I just wish someone would offer him a job.

I have pleaded with him to see a doctor, i have begged him to have joint counselling. He flatly refuses and i daren't raise the subject again.

I do love him so very much, but i wonder if too much has happened. I think i want to leave, if i had somewhere to go i would, and i also know if i leave it will break my little girls heart and i can't do that. So i am trapped really.

LEM, does he actually know that this is how you feel. Hard as it may be you need to tell him, he loves you and it may change the way he looks at your joint problems.
Debt is the most stressful thing a family can cope with but you will pull through.
Please don't feel trapped, if you really wanted to leave you would find a way but I think you also love your dp, he is at the end of the day a man and needs things spelling out in the simplest terms.
Sit down tonight and talk, talk all night if you have to but tell him every single thing that bothers you, listen to his answers and see if you can't find some common ground to start from.
I must be very hard when your DD wants her daddy all the time but I suspect she only does this as it is your button, they all find one to press that get you upset and paying them more attention.
Could he not go back to his business in a few years when you are in a better situation?

sorry, why exactly can't you get a job?

Sorry things are so hard for you atm LEM. Financial worries can certainly bring a relationship to its knees - I've been there. Every little niggle can turn into a huge issue.

FWIW my dh started his own business last year, had always been a dream of his and although its not making much money I am persevering as to ask him to give it up would be like pulling the rug from under him.

Are you receiving everything you're entitled to by way of tax credits etc. It may be worth speaking to CAB about your debt problems - they can be saviours.

Agree with Cherryred, it may be worthwhile to sit dh down and talk with him about everything thats bothering you and let him have his say. That way you can both make a positive effort to change the way you are doing things to each others benefit.

I agree with Batters about going out, although i am not sure today is the day to do it if the weather is anything like here.
Think about what aspects of your life you are willing to compromise on and ask DP to do the same.
Depression is an illness and just because people can't see it doesn't change it's effect. I think if your Dp has never had depression it can be very hard to understand what you are going through.
Now have a walk to the shop and buy yourself a curly wurly, they have magic powers of cheeriupiness if you didn't know.
You are allowed to feel however you feel, I am also always saying sorry, my mum and dh always shout at me. Guilt is just so intense when you are a mother never mind when there are other problems as well.

Ah. LEM my DH earns peanuts too after tax and expenses. I think he took home about 8-9k last year. And he works really long hours - up at 5.30 and home after 9pm atm . And the money issue worries me and that's with me working too. Insufficent money is so stressful on everyone. It dominates everything.

I don't think YABU but neither is he. Both of you are snapping at each other for more or less the same reasons.

apologies batters has put it more kindly and sympathetically.

Why don't i get a job?? It is a question i often ask myself. DP and i have spoken at length about it. The thing is, if the business were to take off, i wouldnt have to get a job, i could be kept in the lap of luxery (yeah right, id hate that anyway). Seriously though, if the business were to take off, that would certainly keep me busy enough as i do all the admin and plan on getting more involved if things pick up. This would obviously only work if i was making a significant contribution to the business, typing the odd letter and collating receipts is not in my opinion that worthwhile in that respect.

DD is 2.5 and i have her name down for a nursery for this september. This is a pre school so wont cover holidays, so i might have to rethink and look at some of the full time nurseries. I have put this off for too long, since i have had the PND or just plain depression i have thrown myself totally into DD and it is often like nothing or no one else exists. My way of sticking my own head in the sand maybe.

There are things i could do i guess, but confidence is a major issue for me, in as much as i have none.

I think over the next few months though i will be making a decision. I have told DP that i only want him to give the business another six months and if things aren't looking up by then to give up - i think 2.5 years is a fair crack of the whip and i refuse to lose my house over it. So, if it looks like the business is really going to pick up, i might get something part time in the mean time before doing the admin full time. I am thinking on doing some sort of accounting course, something that covers employment issues as well. We are totally clueless when it comes to that sort of thing.

If i don't do the business for whatever reason then i am not sure what to do. I have a science background but not sure i want to go back into academia, its insecure and few rewards. I dont have the confidence to go into industry, i just dont think im up to it. I am considering doing teaching, probably at primary school, but i do worry that i wont find that challenging enough, well not that it isnt challenging but intellectually i mean. I couldnt do secondary, those evil teenagers would walk all over me

I feel much more positive. Probably because a contrite DP came home for lunch (he never does taht) he did feign the whole "what have a said" approach, i decided to drop it, it was a throw away comment and i love him, at the end of the day, i love him with all my heart

glad you are feeling a bit better

sorr, my comment was too abrupt.

sorry even

If you're giving the business another 6 months how will you cope financially in the meantime? Surely it will put even more strain on you if you continue to live this way, and not make any changes, for another 6 months.

Whatever happens with the business, either way, I think the only way you will all start to feel better is if you start to do something about it.

I really do feel for you. But sometimes in reading your posts there seems to be a lot of excuses and putting things off.
(and I'm NOT for 1 second saying lack of confidence, depression, childcare, and you're other issues aren't totally 100% valid reasons for things being so difficult)
But if you're thinking at some point that you're going to get a job anyway, why not bite the bullet right now and do something about it?

It might give you all the lift you need. Get you out of the house or studying again. Give you a new lease of life. Reduce the financial pressure and long term burden on H. In general, give you all a new focus away from all the stress.

You said yourself
"There are things i could do i guess"

so why put it off? why not start to make changes right now. Look into courses. Look into part time jobs. Even if it's only something you do for 6 months just to get you through this awful time?

If nothing else, it will keep your mind busy and make you feel 100 times better that you're actually doing something useful to help get out of this negative place you're in right now.

I do have huge sympathies for you and your H. A business is stressful at the best of times, regardless of everything else you have to worry about. Be kind to each other, you're in this together

Not at all bossy, its a fair comment

Baffy, i am hoping there will be immediate changes. It is all about DP running the jobs properly and i am going to be behind him like a jack russell (not like the JR in the other threads) biting at his ankles. You are right, if we dont make the changes now, it will be a disaster. The thing is, we can scrape by now as things go, but i am sick to the back teeth of scraping by. I dont want much, i just dont want to have to keep juggling and lying to people who we owe money too etc.

I think your comment is also fair about the excuses, i am the queen of procrastination, i have a PhD in the subject!! I do always make excuses and that is the single most annoying trait in other people for me!! And i can see myself becoming a yeah but type of person. I hate that. It IS hard because the depression sort of descends out of no where, but i HAVE been making some positive changes over the past week or so/ Taking more control etc. I have to keep that up is all. So thankyou for the virtual kick up the bum.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me, i am just venting i guess. I do need a kick up the arse sometimes

You're welcome

I just think you sound like you have so much going for you. You sound more than capable of doing whatever you set your mind to. Perhaps you forget that sometimes, in the midst of all the difficulties, depression and money worries.

I know first hand how depression affects people though, so I don't underestimate the effects of that.

You sound like you're on the right track anyway.

And at least MN is here for you to vent. (And for the virtual kick up the bum!).

PMSL at jack russell comment too

Glad you're feeling better.

On the business side of things has your dp spoken to anyone about what changes he could make, i.e. small business advisor or likewise.

Also a good accountant is a godsend

Agree with Baffy, why not get a job just now, it may be what you need to give you a lift, not just financially but emotionally as well. I know you are worried about your lack of confidence, but you are obviously an intelligent woman and once you get back in the saddle I'm sure you will overcome your fears (sometimes thinking about it is harder than actually doing it iykwim).

Feel free to vent - sometimes just getting it all off your chest can work wonders!!!

LEM glad your feeling a bit better as the day goes on, but remember if you just pretend it isn't there you will feel crap again in the morning, make sure you and DH have a really good evening, swirch the telly off and spend some time together, remember why you love him so much and why it is worth getting through this patch.
Love and (((((hugs)))))
Keep it up you are doing a great job of everything.

thanks again, i just really needed to vent that. I know it sounded like LEM feeling sorry for herself again, but it has been niggling at me for a few days. Then he made that comment this morning and i was thinking, oi, you cheeky "^*t!

Now i have typed it out loud i feel much better

I had to get a job when my 3rd was just a year old, due to financial problems. I won't go into those, but I had been a SAHM for quite a few years and I had to do some retraining (via the jobcentre). I managed to find a lovely childminder and took a job that I could do in school hours, for which I was hugely overqualified.

It was the best thing I ever did. It was really hard, but my baby was safe and happy, I was earning a little bit of money and I have done further training and got promotion and gone from strength to strength. It isn't easy, but it has been worth it.

Maybe some agency or temp work would be an option for you?