To feel DH lied to me

[Dallyo]

DH and myself both have quite intense careers. 2 DC.

DH was offered a very good post which would mean he was away from home quite often for a few nights at a time. Long working days/commute on the days & weeks he does come home.

We had a lot of discussion before he took the job and I feel that he persuaded me to say ok on the basis it would “only be for a few years” and then he would take a post closer to home. The reason he took the post he did originally is because of the team he would be working with and the scope of work he would be able to do.

Two years have come and gone and he’s showing no signs of leaving that post and finding something closer to home. If anything he’s taken on more responsibility in the post he’s already in.

We’ve had a huge row (unlike us) because I said I feel like he lied before taking this job, he’s saying he never promised it would only be for two years.

I should add we have a nanny & cleaner which he argues means he isn’t dumping all the childcare on me.

You said you thought it would only be for a 'few years'. It's only been two years though...so he's still within your/his initial timeframe. 🤷‍♀️ If you'd said he's been doing it for 5 or 6 years, and still showing no signs of leaving, I'd understand 🤷‍♀️

I completely get how you’re feeling (my partners duped me into working away twice), but going by your conversations he is not in the wrong. There is no clear timescale here. You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you

You needed to clarify before he took the job what a few years meant. It could be anywhere between 3-8 years.

At 2 years I'd still give him time or sit down and say in 3 yes time from now, I want to move.

A few years to me means somewhere between 4 and 8.

Can you vocalise what it is you’re struggling with? Do you feel like your relationship is struggling with lack of time together or perhaps kids don’t get enough interaction with their dad?

I don’t think he’s “lied” no, he said a few years and it’s only been a couple.

However if you’re not happy with the current set up then you will need to vocalise the reasons why it isn’t working for you.

Lots of people manage happily in this type of dynamic so he’s not wrong to feel it works for him but if it doesn’t work for the rest of the family then there will need to be more of a compromise.

dont have a row over what he did / did not say in the past.

what matters is that right now, life is v hard for you & the kids because he is away so much.

So if ask him about the future, does he think he will stay in this job 1 more year or 5 more? And if he says 3 years or longer, or I don't really know, then tell him to have a good think about what that means for your relationship.

2 would be a couple.

But you're not happy. That's a different conversation.

A few years is not the same as two years. He hadn’t lied to you. You’ve changed your mind about whether the arrangement you both agreed to is workable. Which you’re absolutely entitled to do. You both now need to sit down calmly and figure out what you’re both going to do about it. Calling him a liar (particularly when he doesn’t appear to have lied) is not a constructive way to enter discussion.

I think accusing him of lying isn't particularly constructive, and no clear timescale was agreed.

However neither of you are "wrong", you've just got different expectations of the same situation. Try to isolate what you both need more of, and less of, and see if there's any compromise you can make as a family to move towards that, rather than who is right.

Well, to be fair to him, he said a few years, not two years.

I don't think he's lied, I think you both had different expectations and didn't communicate properly about timescales and what would happen if things became unmanageable at home.