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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad about lack of play dates

16 replies

ronconcoke · 25/11/2022 12:02

DD (Y2) is hardly ever invited on any play dates. This was understandable in YR as that coincided with the 2nd Covid year, lockdowns, school closures etc. However, since things have got back to normal, she's still not invited. We've had a few kids round, usually on a Saturday afternoon or during the holidays, but the invitations haven't been reciprocated. She does get invited to birthday parties every so often, just not to friends' houses. She doesn't seem to have one particularly close friend at the moment - she was very friendly with another girl in Y1, who we invited over in the summer, but she hasn't been invited back. Before that she was very close to another child, whose mum I'm friendly with, but play dates have not been forthcoming on that side either.

I have an older DC and when they were this age, playdates were often and plentiful.

I know that you shouldn't expect invitations to be reciprocated, and that people have different reasons for not doing playdates, but it seems to be a constant here, and I don't really feel like inviting any more children round until she's had a few invites herself.

While DD doesn't really know what she's missing, she does sometimes ask me if she can go to XX's house....to which I have to reply, no, sorry, you can't invite yourself over, you have to wait for an invitation...(which looks like it will never come!) I have to add here that some of the mums are not the friendliest.

AIBU to feel sad for DD that she's missing out on socialising with her friends outside of school? I try not to let it bother me, but it does. The only friends she sees are two that we've kept in touch with from nursery, but who go to different schools.

OP posts:
StillTryingtoBuy · 25/11/2022 12:06

Did the parents / kids maybe not to get to know each other in the usual way because of covid / lockdown particularly affecting their first years at school together? I think I would just keep inviting kids to play dates at yours if you’re able to host, not everyone can host due to housing situation, other siblings, work, whatever but it doesn’t mean the kids have to miss out if you’re able to and your child enjoys having others over to play. I would relax on that and keep inviting really, I think.

waterrat · 25/11/2022 12:06

Been there with my own daughter. Sometimes its just totally down to luck and not fitting well with other parents ie. Her particular friends parents are busy etc or cant be arsed

My answer is that if it matters to you just keep inviting kids round. Thats how i dealt with it

MelchiorsMistress · 25/11/2022 12:08

Do you invite others for after school play dates? Some families don’t tend to see school friends at weekends and save school friend play dates for after school.

RayKray · 25/11/2022 12:11

I'd also just keep inviting them round. In my experience some parents only invite the kids of their own friends, rather than letting the kids invite who they want to. The pattern might just be because your child is friends with kids in this group so gets excluded. I have friends who try and fix it by getting in the right mum group, although that never seems great for their own mental health. So that's one option. Or just keep inviting.

AriettyHomily · 25/11/2022 12:16

Hardly any play dates here. Most of the kids were in ASC or with a childminder or ballet :
Swimming whatever.

Kpo58 · 25/11/2022 12:20

It could just be the people don't have much free time. The parents could be working full time, there may be after school clubs that the child or their siblings attend or even that they cannot get home from yours (depending on what the public transport is like) or just don't want to be out late on weekdays for other reasons. At the weekends they could be trying to catch up with house work, taking the kids to clubs or even visiting family.

Himawarigirl · 25/11/2022 12:26

I’d invite a child back a second or third time and it may prompt the other family to say ‘oh it’s our turn’. And if you can host without being too much trouble then it’s nice for your dd. And are you inviting people after school? For some friends that’s easier and the weekend is seen more as family time, for others the week is packed so weekends work best. If you have the parent’s numbers I’d just say dd would love to spend some time with x, what days work for you and take it from there. You’ll be able to tell if you are getting brushed off or there are just challenging schedules.

Phos · 25/11/2022 12:26

They're very few and far between here, my daughter is in Y1. I'm sure when I was that age it was common for your friend's parents to pick you up from school and go to theirs for tea and your mum pick you up at like 6 or something.

MajorCarolDanvers · 25/11/2022 12:27

We didn't do play dates - my kids just went out to play.

SallyWD · 25/11/2022 12:31

It's definitely not unreasonable to feel sad about this. It's exactly the same with my son. He was painfully shy and didn't have any friends at all for the first few years of school. Now he has a couple of friends. We've had them round dozens of times but it's never reciprocated!! I don't understand it. The parents are always so friendly and grateful. The children seem to get on brilliantly with my son and love coming round. I find it weird that they never invite him back! I've come to the conclusion that some parents find hosting stressful or something. His best friend lives in a small flat so I wonder if they're embarrassed, I don't know. I've decided not to care about it. I keep inviting his friends round as they all enjoy it and it's good for my son socially. My son's just as happy playing here (he probably prefers it really as he's shy at other people's houses).
I'd say carry on inviting the other kids round and don't worry about return invites. People are weird!

NerrSnerr · 25/11/2022 12:32

My children are in year 1 and year 4 and they've only really play dates with friends who I know the parents of too. Not many with random kids from school. Everyone is just so busy with work, other children and activities it's a faff to organise.

waterrat · 25/11/2022 12:36

I talk about this subject a lot with friends ! I think people are busy...with after school clubs etc they may feel they cant be bothered on the one or two days they have their kids.

Ive alwys done a lot of inviting and tried to just not mind my child isnt invited back but it hurts for her...children want to go to friends houses its a nice thing for them

We recentlz moved to a really friendly street and my 10 year old now just goes in and out of houses on his own and none of us bother with formal play arrangements and ira been a great relief

Sadly my younger child is less confidebt and suffers from a lack of invitations

rubbishatballet · 25/11/2022 12:49

I sometimes feel guilty about how few play dates we host, but I only have one day a fortnight when I pick the DC up straight up from school rather than ASC or another club. And on that day I quite like the opportunity to just hang out with the DC, or we need to get specific things done (eg dentist, haircuts etc). Weekends are always full of activities and other things we need to do. But I'm always really appreciative if people invite them over to theirs.

Perhaps there might be something similar going on for parents of your DD's friendship group?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/11/2022 12:52

I don’t think play dates are a big thing in our school. I host the odd one but people are busy, working, lots of out of school activities - I wouldn’t assume it’s down to your child

Yika · 25/11/2022 12:59

I feel your pain and would be sad too. As others say, just keep inviting. Hard to say what the reason might be for the lack of reciprocation so just make your own home a hub for socialising and fun.

bluebeach · 25/11/2022 13:10

My year1 DD definitely has less play dates than her elder sister did at her age. I think Covid played a huge part in that. We just didn’t develop the same level of friendships in the last year of preschool that we would have done other wise.

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