My husband has always been concerned about being liked. He is a softie.
For context I come from an emotionally odd family, it was violent at worst, and nothing we did was ever good enough. On the flipside, DH parents feared conflict so let him and his sister away without consequences for things I would have got into massive trouble for (underage drinking, drugs, skipping school etc) However, DH was a diligent easy-going child, who never wanted to disappoint anyone or rock the boat so not too much harm was done from the wild years (his sister, while a lovely woman in the important ways was a totally different story). DH is a lovely man and wants everyone to be happy, which is probably why I married him, he’s got a cheerful and harmonious worldview and is very different from my dear ol’ Da😂 If you met us both, you’d definitely like him better!
However, it became clear as soon as the kids developed the will to have their own way, that DH didn’t know how to deal with children’s misbehaviour. DH parents tended to interfere and undermine, and just wanted their grandkids to ‘be happy’ all the time, which usually translated into letting them get their way. It had a variety of consequences, most of which were trivial, but some were less so.
I was the only disciplinarian and as a SAHM 80% of raising our son until the age of 7 was down to me. I am
probably old fashioned but I felt if I’d let DS’ likes and dislikes rule the day, family life would have become chaotic and done him no favours as a grown man. But whenever DH had the reins he’d let him away with all sorts, buy stuff I wouldn’t have bought, DS would stay up too late and get very grumpy, speak back in a way I wouldn’t have let go, go to get McDonalds when there was loads of nice food in the house, buying sweets all the time, you know the stuff. Spoiling, basically. DH has also tended to be a bit of an underminer and almost as soon as he was faced with tears or tantrums he reversed decisions I thought we wholly agreed on. Like, the need for children to eat food they didn’t really like sometimes and have their hair combed. All that giving in comes from a kind place of wanting everyone to be happy but it’s not always realistic or kind in practice. For a little part of his childhood DS used to be happy when I went away for work because he knew it would be more fun without me there. I only wanted the best for him so I used to feel like shit - but I couldn’t really see that I could do too much about it. I was definitely the bad guy. On reflection, I think I could also have been more lenient and not worried so much about the future adults we were raising. Having had a frankly rather mental childhood myself it took a lot of the early years I spent raising DS to undo the damage. I didn’t get it right and overthought how important getting it right was because it was already tough to see the wood for the trees, and DS had one parent who apparently couldn’t bring himself to make him unhappy in any way, however trivial. I’d say it’s probably good to choose your battles, and not make it about being in control as opposed to what’s for the best. Don’t overcompensate, I suppose is what I mean, for one parent being a softie, you don’t need to.
The current outcome - now DS (14) comes to me for all advice and serious conversations and is very seldom disobedient (with the odd mad teenager moment where I just try to remind myself it’s a lot of hormones and read threads on here about teen psychology). When he does stuff that’s not ideal I speak to him rationally and calmly, and explain my logic. I think we are close now and we have a lot in common considering I’m a sad old lady.
DS treats his dad more like a big daft pal and DH commonly complains to me that DS has zero respect for him. I think he was hoping for a little mini-me, but it’s not very helpful to tell DH well, that’s what happens when you set yourself up as the real-life Santa (though it’s tempting AF!) It’s not a comfort to me that he’s somewhat brought it on himself because parenting is about the kids and what’s best for them and it’d be better for everyone if DS took his dad a bit more seriously as a man.
DD (10) also treats us differently. She is a good lass for the most part but often takes the mickey out of her dad, ignores his instructions, and also sometimes does the same thing your DD does. I say no, she goes to him, he says yes. The big difference is now that I say ah but does your dad know I said no, and then we present a united front. At one time it wouldn’t have happened. It was all jokes until DH didn’t like the outcome and I suppose DH is now seeing the result of not saying No to one almost-adult.
I think parenting is a bit of a rôle. You don’t always want to do the tough parts but you can’t avoid them, and the more you try to the worse it gets. I hope our children can both like us as people and respect our word as parents. By the age of 13 or so I think they can maybe begin to see when you have their best interests at heart? Maybe run the scenario where DD always gets to decide what’s best for DD (separately) past DD and DH? How well would that really work out for her in practice? Is her judgement way better than yours? Cos that’s the message your DH is giving her and it feels like maybe a united parental front (and marital harmony!) is better for everyone in the family.