AIBU to want to feel an important part of my DH new life

[runliketewind]

AIBU is what I really need to know and I hope someone can help please.

DH has just got in touch with his two daughters after 14 years of not seeing them due to a messy divorce with their mother, it was a very toxic relationship.

Daughters are now in their twenties and things are moving along slowly whilst they get to know their Dad again.. very early days! They are aware that my DH and I have been married now for 10 years and he has built a new life. So much has happened in DH life recently, he found his real dad, half brother, neices nephews and cousins etc a whole new family he didn't know he had.

Whilst DH has been sending daughters photos of his new family members and all the stuff he's done in the past ten years he seems to have missed sending any of me and my grown up children who have been a part of his life for so long.

DH said he will send some one day but doesn't want them to think he is shoving us down their throats just yet.

whilst I've been very supportive and was the one to encourage DH to take the step to contact them I feel a little hurt by this.

I was also the one who helped him on the road to finding his real dad.

AIBU And maybe a little selfish?

Yes YABU, let them
Figure it out first.

I think YABU in all kindness.

His daughters know you all exist, but they need to figure out their relationship with him first and learn about each other - seeing photos of the life he built without them in it probably isn't the best start to a great relationship, but with time it'll be a natural thing to share I think.

He's basically a stranger to them if they're in their 20s and he's not seen them for 14 years, there will be so much to learn and catch up on. Seeing photos of his new wife + stepchildren that have had a relationship with him that they never got the chance too might be hurtful this early on, I wouldn't expect him to be sending happy family photos to them.

It'll be a slow process and take work, but eventually I'm sure the relationship will open up to the wider family, but for now it should just be them. It'll come with time I'm sure 😊

I think it's great you want to be supportive of your dh making all of these connections but I think this is probably quite a personal journey for him adhd is probably bringing up lots of memories, feelings and emotions he will need to sift his way through. I don't think that's something you can fully be part of just yet until he's done his own bit first. He's also probably recognised that the daughters and extended family are also probably feeling pretty complex emotions regarding this (even if it is going well) and he's trying to move at a gentle pace and let them suss out what the new norm will look like and there's probably a bit of him that now has them back and he probably wants to make up for the time they couldn't be connected as much as possible. Again I don't think that's something you can be part of just yet but I have no doubt your time is coming and I think when it does it'll mean the world to all of them how keen you are to get to know them and be open and welcoming. I think this is one where you're best placed supporting from the sidelines and giving your dh space to process everything it's bound to be bringing up.

The feelings you're having aren't bad and they're perfectly understandable, but I'd find someone you trust to keep their mouth shut to talk about the impact it has on you with so that you can be there 100% for dh and be a neutral sounding board for him. Sometimes these things can go great at the start, then start to feel scary and overwhelming and raw and take a turn. There's probably some difficult questions on both sides and your dh is maybe trying to navigate that aspect before bringing you into it to protect you as much as everyone else.

They have 14 years of catching up to do. That will take some time. There may be some very difficult and personal issues to be resolved between them none of which really involve you.

If your husband needs support , he can always reach out to you, but there are some journeys that adults must take alone.

When and if the time becomes right, he will introduce you to his kids. Chances are this is a difficult situation for all of them. They may have very much missed having a father, but not so much a father with a new family.

Some relationships can't be rushed and this may need time to evolve. He left children, and now he is trying to recreate a relationship with young women.

You want him to send pictures of your kids, that he helped raise, to his biological children, that he didn't raise or see for the last 14 years?

YABU.

It's not the time to shove down their throats that while he abandoned them he was raising another persons child.

Like most on here, I completely understand the hurt, it’s very natural but yes, it is a little selfish. That’s not a bad thing and it’s wonderful that you want to be so involved. However l, they need time to figure out what this very new relationship is and I think your DH is right to take it slow with introducing you and your children into their lives. It could really hurt them, seeing what your family has had when they didn’t get the same chance. But I can see how it must ache a little and feel like you’re being cut out, especially when you want to be part of it. Patience, it will come 🙂

YABVU.

You’ve enabled his absence from their lives and now he’s decided he can be arsed, you want to muscle in immediately because God forbid his life isn’t revolving around YOU and YOUR KIDS.

Sorry, wrong thread! I've reported myself and now I'm hanging my head in shame !

I guess there’s a back story but I feel compelled to ask….why on Earth are you happy to be with a man who (as you seem to be telling it, I may not be understanding correctly) hasn’t bothered with his children for 14 years?

You're being very unreasonable. This isn't about you and it's definitely not about your kids who aren't even related to your husband's children.

Particularly when it seems he didn’t know his father - if he thinks never knowing his father until now is somehow more damaging than what he did, raising them until X age then fucking off, he is wrong. And a disgrace. There’s always some bullshit about a toxic ex as well, as if we don’t have a family court system.

I can see how you'd be worried that you'll be left behind in all the excitement, but hopefully this relationship he's building with his daughters is one for life, and doesn't need to be rushed.
The new family members he's discovered are part of his daughters' family tree so it makes sense to share pictures and info about them, as there could be key family history or commonalities there to share.

But for you and your children, maybe there's a little part of him that wants to protect you while it's still early days, just in case this all goes badly and he doesn't want you getting hurt, or dragged into any resentment his children might raise. It's a minefield and I don't think there's a textbook way to manage it, but I wish you all luck!

I would say at this point they’ve probably given him the clear vibe they’re not ready to hear about you and the children he raised whilst not seeing them for 14 years. I don’t think they need to be forced to confront that yet just because you’re feeling a little insecure. I think his children get to set the pace on this one not you or you DH.

Yep, not the time. I know it must be hard, but this is a part of his life from before he met you. Let him do the repairing from the past and then he can bring them up to date.