Dad meeting someone new

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Hi, in need of some advice.

My mum (62)passed away in Jan this year. She had cancer for the past 5 years but had a relatively "normal" life until October when her cancer spread and she deteriorated quite quickly. My dad (62) was a massive support to her throughout her cancer battle, and was essentially her carer towards the end while also working (from home) full time. We all helped care for her and we were all there with her at the end (myself, my dad and my 2 siblings)

My dad seemed to cope with the grief of her passing much better then the rest of us. Even now 10 months on I cry myself to sleep most nights and I miss her so much. He has said he did a lot of grieving when she was poorly, and he did pretty much put life on hold to look after her. He doesnt talk about her much and always just says he's fine. To the point I was worried he may get really down if he didn't talk to anyone.

A few days ago he told us he'd met someone new. I didnt ask too much because it really upset me, but he did say they went to a sports event together in June so it's been since before then. I just can't get my head around how after 42 years of marriage and losing his wife, he's suddenly ready to date a few months after she died. I am struggling with my grief and I understand everyone grieves differently but I just don't understand how he could move on so quickly. My siblings feel the same.

I feel like maybe hes not allowing himself time to grieve and just doesn't know how to be alone. AIBU in thinking he's moved on far too quickly?

Well as you say, everyone grieves differently and my dad was dying for 9 months so I definitely did some of my grieving when he was still alive. I have coped very well with it, probably like your dad, I’d rather not talk about it, I just feel like he will always be in my heart and wouldn’t want me to be sad.

I totally understand your apprehension re the new partner. But many men don’t do well on their own and often meet new partners fairly quickly. I wouldn’t judge someone on how long they wait until they date again. As hard as it is, your mum has gone and your dad probably wants to enjoy what times he’s got left rather than being alone. I’d try and support him with this, it’s not worth risking a family split due to yours and your siblings thoughts on when is suitable for him to date again.

It's not an insult to your mother's memory and doesn't erode years of love. It must be difficult for you to comprehend as you're grieving in a different sense, but people miss companionship.

In the gentlest possible way, yes YABU. Grief is so different for everyone, and your dad has someone in his life who is currently making him happy. I know it's hard, but please be as kind as you can, and try not to psychoanalyse his grieving process just so that it fits in with yours.
Huge hugs to you. I know how hard this is for you. I promise that one day, you'll smile and feel happy when you're remembering your dear mother- at the moment, you're remembering the loss and the pain of her absence, and that is really natural and terribly hard.

YABU
My grandad was a widower in his early 60s. He met a lady and dated her for a long time.
All of his children (my mum and siblings) objected hugely to this.

Obviously I was not as involved with this as his kids were, but he was an adult and was allowed to move on. It pissed me off that they felt they could have such a huge say in his personal life.

Your dad meeting someone new will not erase your mum. As his child, it will feel like there is no time line to when you think he is ready to meet someone else.. but it is not up to you.

In the end, my mum etc had to wish their dad well and that his new relationship was for the best. Their feelings should have never come into it to start with.

Read up about anticipatory grief.
my husband died of a brain tumour. I started a new relationship sooner than my children anticipated but it was the right thing for me. My husband encouraged me to find someone else. It’s nearly 5 years now and my children are happy for me

My dad did exactly the same. I was very upset about it. I don't /didn't want him to be unhappy, or lonely, but I refused to play happy families for a very long time. What he did was up to him, but I had not accepted anything while she was dying, so was a complete mess for a long time.
My dad would never have coped being on his own for long. He'd have moved in with a lamppost if it could have put his dinner on and worked the washing machine.

This is it I think. Of course I want my dad to be happy and he is a young widow - I'd never expect him to be alone for the rest of his life. Its just meeting someone within months of her dying seems too quick. I'd never stop him being happy and we are a close family. I am just not ready to see my dad with someone else less then a year after my mum died.

I think your being unfair to your dad he needs to build a new life
he will never forget or replace your mum

also a lot of dying partners worry about the person they leave behind and want them to be happy and build a new life

My Dad did the same, and the woman he chose was completely, completely wrong (she ended up being emotionally abusive to me and my brother); at the time I was absolutely furious with him but I sort of understand it now. He just couldn't face being alone.
I don't think YABU (at all) to feel the way you feel but try, if you can, to just keep that between you and your siblings and put on a supportive face for your Dad and his new partner. My Dad has also now passed away and I feel a lot of regret about the way I treated him.

I think this is so common. It seems quicker with men.
in my dads case he started relationship with her in less than 7 weeks after mums funeral toLd me and siblings at 3 months.
trouble was he wiped mums existence- removed pictures, refused to talk about her

i know he didn’t want to even consider being on his own, it terrified him as he’d never lived on his own in his entire life .

they say men live longer and happier when married/ in relationships- women live shorter lives married than unmarried and more prone to depression if married. 🤷🏼‍♀️

He deserves to be happy. He did all a person could ask when his wife was ill, you can't ask for more.

If you're still crying yourself asleep nearly every night please get some support with this.