Birthday moan

[Vookibooki]

So i probably am being unreasonable.. but my birthday...
Stbx is away abroad for family reasons, we still live together officially, 2 dc, together for 20 years. He likes to make a big deal out of birthdays. Gifts, meals out etc.. Not expecting or wanting any of that for obvious reasons..

But now that im leaving him (him cheating, verbal abuse), there's no text to say happy birthday. I actually got worried something has happened to him because he texts every day about something and i checked if he's been active on social media.. No problems there. Even congratulated someones life event..

I've been so civil. Tried to act all grown up for everyone's sake. It was his birthday a few months ago. I went to his self-organised party with the kids, got him a card and a tiny present. Supported him through family bereavement.

I just think this is a petty game, or what is this? Im ignoring his ignoring. And why do i care? Because i've tried to be friends i guess..

I think it would be odd if he did do anything considering the circumstances.

@CaronPoivre Im talking about receiving a happy birthday text from him. Nothing else. After 20 years together, still cohabiting and me advocating friendship, i do expect an aknowledgment. Especially when im picking up the slack majorly here for him whilst hes away (to do with his personal responsibilities..which is why we text about things every day)

You need to let go or this is going to one miserable journey

@dontcallmethatyoucunt What do you mean i must let it go? Its good for me to realise the games he plays so that i can treat him accordingly, no?

I never spoke to my ex if 17 years unless it was about children.

l would never have sent or expected to receive a birthday text.

No! You want to play games? You’re in for a head fuck then. Why do it.
let him play, you move on.

Forget about him. You don't need to be friends with him. Civil yes, but friends? There's no need especially if he can't even send a text to say happy birthday.

View it as a good thing OP. You should not even think about him, remove him from all consideration. When he wants something start off (in your head) with 'no' but say 'oh I just need to check' and only do it if it 120% suits you.

I think he's done you a favour here. He clearly isn't a very nice person so you're better off out

Im not into playing games. I think he is, and i need to realise that.. we still live together, he's coming back in a few days so there's a lot we still do need to talk about..

There’s nothing wrong with expecting a happy birthday text from him. He’s playing games. Remember this next year

@Zanatdy thank you. I've received so many messages on social media, even from people i havent heard from for years (its nice, but no biggie), so it baffles me why someone who ive shared a life with and have been on good-ish terms with (despite the shit they've put me through) wont even send a bloody text.

I've put so much effort into helping him recently due to sad circumstances whilst being down with the worst flu.. It does make me wonder why he wont even aknowledge its my birthday and ask how its going and what we are up to (which he usually does).

So i conclude this is all a head fuck and games. Im glad he keeps on showing his true colours. And im actually showing mine.. Ive been told by him for so many years that im selfish, shallow, arrogant whilst he's the saint who would give the shirt off his back to anyone in need..

It is absolutely playing games and sounds like just the kind of thing my ex would do. Who knows what goes through their minds, it’s very petty though. I hope you had a nice birthday regardless

@Zanatdy Its nice to see someone understand what you mean 🙂 Birthdays are not a big deal for me even though i know it sounds like it.. It was a normal day with all the normal chores. Now Im going to treat myself to a glass of wine and chocolate. And enjoy these last few days of peace before the manchild comes back..

That sounds great. Enjoy!!

So this morning i receive a text from stbx: Im so gutted. Very sorry i didnt wish you happy birthday yesterday. I feel awful. I wish you happiness and health for years to come.

No mention of 'I forgot '..
I replied Ok. Thank you.

.. i knew this was a game..

Stop giving him so much headspace!

I know it’s really hard OP. I’ve been in the situation of still having to live with a stbexh

Uou have to stop thinking of them in this way - as a partner, a friend, as “your person”. Stop thinking they’re the person who wishes you happy birthday or has any part in your life. You work with them to raise the kids. Nothing more.

It’s really hard to make that head shift to not caring. But you have to.

@Vookibooki - I reckon that in this situation he can't really win. You need to move on.

I really dont think anyone else understands my point.. Ive lived with him playing games with my head for so long that this thread is not about me expecting him to be 'my person'. Its about realising all the little subtle ways he does and has done to make someone feel absolutely worthless. Its diffucult to see clearly when youre inside it.

It sounds like you've devoted years of your life, love and efforts on someone who hasn't and doesn't appreciate you.

You've reflected and noticed all the ways he has taken advantage or messed with you and you're right, its good to recognise that. Can you find a way now to accept that - because you can't change what's already happened. Now it's time to move forward

Stop supporting him. Don't spend any more energy on him. Try to remain civil but look after yourself and DC and let him worry about his own affairs.

I also think if you haven't already you need to discuss living arrangement- I don't think cohabiting is a viable option for much longer

@CaffeineMama thank you for this 🙏 I've asked him to move out months ago. He is a very difficult person, and now bereavement in his family which makes it more difficult to demand this major life change to happen immediately.
I think im too nice. Ive been told the absolute opposite by him for two decades. That im controlling, selfish, arrogant, on my high horse, know it all, taker not a giver etc etc.. But being in this situation now that i've decided to get out, im thinking maybe im not all that.. maybe im a doormat..

Doormat is harsh. You were married and you tried to be a loving and supportive wife. He has spent decades putting you down - I dont know all the ins and outs of your relationship but that sounds really quite abusive to me. Don't put yourself down.

If its safe for you to do so, set some firmer boundaries. His grief is not your problem and you don't have to accommodate it. That's not to say you have to be horrible to him but it's not unreasonable to bring up the subject of accommodation/arrangements for your separation. Don't let him guilt you or drag things on any longer, it's not good for any of you. A clean break, and then settling into your new normal. You'll probably need support navigating that, if you have family and friends to confide in, make sure you reach out to them. I think it might also be beneficial for you to phone women's aid and citizens advice and speak to then about your next steps and what your options are if he doesn't cooperate.

Good luck- wishing you all the best, I hope things get better for you soon. Take care.