Anxious about leaving party

[Iamanon55]

I'm going to a colleague's leaving party this evening and have got myself really worked up (as I always do in these situations). I am so anxious, I am absolutely useless at small talk and standing around trying to find people to talk to. I believe I am social, have friends and enjoy going out for meals or to the theatre/choir/cinema/book club etc- I just hate events like this. I usually have to shout to be heard and find it hard to pick up what people are saying. It's usually easier with a drink or two but I'm having to drive tonight. My work buddy has just told me she can't go and I was relying on her to be there. Does anyone else feel this way and has anyone got any tips on how to manage this anxiety?

Yes, I just don't go. You don't have to if you don't enjoy it you know.

Could you go along to show your face then develop a migraine, or really bad stomach pains or get an urgent phone call to go home? I used to do this , only upside to suffering migraines.

If she is leaving, does it matter? I very much doubt anyone will notice if you aren't there, juding by the fact you don't talk to anyone or know anyone else. Just put your pjs on, and stay in for the evening.

Maybe now you can have a drink or 2 if your friend isn't going. Might help to relax.

Just don't go!
If there's loads of people there she won't notice and she's leaving anyway.

Otherwise if it's not far just put in a brief appearance of 20 mins, quick chat to the person leaving and then go, no-one will notice you left early. I did this with a friend's 50th. DH and I realised when we got there that the friends we had in common couldn't make it and we didn't know anyone. We grabbed a drink and chatted to birthday girl and then her daughter. Then very quietly left individually. Friend was none the wiser and thought we were there all evening!

I feel your pain but do go. Put a brave face on in a ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ way. You never know, you might end up thinking ‘that wasn’t bad after all’.

By going to things it’s supposed to desensitise you and lessen (eventually) the anxiety. Once you start regularly avoiding situations it gets to the point that it’s hard to go at all. I’ve spent so long making up excuses and crying off that I don’t get invited anymore! I’d say it was a relief but it’s actually a lonely place to be.

Thank you all for your feedback. I really like the person leaving so will put on my big girl pants and go.

Tell us about the party OP, is it drinks in the pub? dinner? buffet? How long is it billed to last for? How many other people do you think are going? I think the answers to these questions might give pointers to help us suggest strategies for you.

Maybe just ‘show your face’ - you’re driving anyway so you can’t stay late. Hopefully it’ll be more bearable if you don’t stay for too long and just say goodbye to the leaver.

I could have wrote this myself. I'm exactly the same OP.

It's drinks in a pub and I think there'll be a fair few people. I don't know what it is because I can happily chat to these people online or in the office but as soon as we get in a social setting like this, I freeze and can't think of what to say. Silly, I know.

I think a good rule of thumb is to join other groups and listen rather than lead the conversation and you can chime in rather than come up with it all yourself. If you find yourself in a one on one with someone, like standing side by side at the bar, you can’t go wrong with just asking how work is going or what their plans are for Christmas.

Great ideas for conversational questions from Sparklesocks

The good news about it being drinks in the pub and lots of people - and that you are driving yourself and not giving anyone a lift - is that you can leave when you want to and your leaving won't disturb the party for anyone else. You could tell yourself something like, I'll stay for 1 hour/ 2 drinks/ some other measure. Then when that's up, say, this has been brilliant, good luck in your new job, I'm sorry I've got to head off now, hope we can keep in touch.

Or possibly even, if its a really big party, leave quietly without fanfare as a PP above described.

As you really like the person leaving, you could tell yourself that you will find them at some point while you're there, either to join the group they're in and just listen, or to just say to them how much you enjoyed working with them.

Other conversational openers to add to Sparklesocks' list:

• what's your best memory of working with [leaving person]?
• how's your day been?
• great atmosphere in this pub isn't it?

What are you anxious about? What is the unpleasant thing you are fearful of happening? Being looked at? Being judged for your conversation or lack of conversation? Feeling trapped? Too hot? Unwell? Being left out of the group?
You need to identify the 'worst thst could happen' and make plans to manage that. So preparing a few opening questions, sitting or standing where you can get out easily, letting people know in advance you 'may have to leave early', which you can always change your mind about, knowing where the toilets are so you can pop there for a breather if you start to feel overwhelmed and so on.

A good rule of thumb for these situations is “less is more”.

People often feel under pressure in these situations to be a sparkling wit and the life and soul. But you can’t force this if it’s not there and most people don’t want to be talked at.

Be a good listener. It goes a surprisingly long way. Ask people questions about themselves and listen properly rather than playing conversation tag. Learn to accept that there may be awkward silences but that’s OK. Don’t put pressure on yourself. It’s highly unlikely that anyone else will notice the anxiety.

It’s easy to say “don’t go” and obviously you don’t have to go. But as a PP said, the more you avoid these situations the harder they be and you will build this up into a big fear in your head.

You’re not the star of the show here so use it as practice. Try to see it as something unimportant, go for a short time and excuse yourself when you can.

Well, it went okay. I had people to talk to all evening. The only issue was being able to hear what was said as the music was so loud and you know what it's like when there's a lot of people in a small space. Thanks all for your tips and feedback.

Well done OP, yes it's a shame when its so loud. It's not so much fun, but at least you did it and turned out for your leaving colleague.