I just cannot stand my dad!!!!

[colt45]

I'm just so exasperated, he has never been a good dad, fucked off to America when I was eleven to marry a woman he'd only known for three months (who was absolutely lovely so nothing against her). He struggled with painkiller addiction, got a divorce and moved back to the UK and in with me and my daughter when I was 23 and she was 2. He then shat my couch when high on drugs and tried to hide it by turning the cushion and leaving it for hours. When I went mad he had the cheek to ask, 'who do you actually think you're talking to?' I lost it and chucked him out.

Since then he's been settled in a flat. Our relationship has always been strained and always will be. He has had periods of sobriety but it's clear to me he's using again but he denies it and I just don't care anymore, he can do what he wants. I have my only family to think of.

I am just so fucking fed up though, he phones me and moans that I don't see him enough and to be perfectly honest, I am busy, I am in the middle of a masters course, a single mum to two kids, working etc but also why would I want to be around him when I find it so draining? All he does is moan when I'm with him or tells me how to do things.

Like my two dogs, he always tells me what I should be doing with them, how I should be training them, make sure they have enough water. And in my head I'm just screaming why the fuck would I take any advice off of you, you haven't raised a thing in your full life fuck off. I have so much anger inside of me towards him.

I have great relationships with everyone in my life, I'm very laid back but for example yesterday he got into my car as I was taking him to a hospital appointment and straight away it's giving me advice about uni, giving me advice about my kids, my dogs, my work, I cannot say anything without him putting his two cents in. And my full body just goes tense as soon as I am around him, I am constantly biting my tongue. God forbid I say anything though, he's such a defensive man, and turns it around on me and says I am attacking him if I disagree with anything he says.

I have no interest in anything he says. He pretends he cares about me and his grandchildren but he doesn't. He is a liar, he says he's a vegetarian and then I see he's been ordering meat dishes from take aways. He claims he doesn't believe in using cards for occasions due to the environment but the other day there was a whole pile of Xmas cards in his kitchen.

My kids can't stand him as all he does is nag at them when they are around him. He has literally no one other than me as he has pushed every single person away. He has 3 siblings and none of them want or take anything to do with him.

I am stuck with him, can't go no contact as he has suicidal tendencies and I don't want him to be completely alone, that thought does make me sad. But I don't know how to control this overwhelming anger towards him that is eating me up.

This is incredibly sad. I really feel for you from reading this. My advice was to be to just ignore him, cut him out, until I read the end and then realised you can't do that.

Why don't you just email him a screenshot of the OP? It's obviously everything what you want to say to him. You can say it to him without saying it to him.

OP, I say this gently - you can absolutely go NC if you want to.

You are not responsible for this waste of space. You are responsible for yours and your family's happiness - he is using you and taking advantage of the fact that you are "all he has".

Why would you put someone around your children whom they can't stand?!

Your happiness is being sacrificed for someone who has never sacrificed themselves for you.

Cut him out, anything he does after that is not on your shoulders.

Time to tell him to get off your back , he sounds a useless waste of space and you are a loving kind empath but giving too much to this selfish man , you have every right to be angry with him . Don't feel guilty, he is using you because no one else will put up with him . Be strong x

You can go NC though. You aren't his personal rehab centre. And he's having a negative effect on your kids, who should come first. Right now you are in a sense enabling him - he knows you're there for him, so there are no consequences for him if he uses. That needs to change. And you need to put yourself first and put in some boundaries around what you will and will not do for him/tolerate from him. Talk to AdFam or a similar organisation to get some support with this.

I haven't in a long while, but if I was going into visit after work, I'd pick the kids up from after school club and take them with me as they aren't old enough to be left at home.

I would do either:

1. let those inner thoughts come out. Ask him why you think you want his advice on raising dogs/kids when he has no experience in doing this successfully. Pick him up every time he says something negative to your kids. Basically, stop letting him get away with bad behaviour.

2. NC. Not a single person would judge you for it. He sounds terrible.

I should mention he had an awful, traumatic childhood which I think is why he is the way he is (not saying that everyone that experiences trauma in childhood turn out like him of course) but I think it explains his behaviour. So he has bipolar disorder and personality disorder, has tried to kill himself many time. This is a highly educated man who used to make a lot of money, so he thinks he knows absolutely everything above everybody.

My point is, I find it cruel/difficult to cut him off because his childhood was not his fault. I try and tell myself this when dealing with him, but then I think well if I'm honest, I didn't have a childhood without trauma and for that reason I strive to give my children the best childhood I can, he didn't.

You are a very kind, empathetic person. Being cruel to your kids and grandchildren is a choice, though. He's a grown man, well educated as you said. He is responsible for getting a grip on his issues and being the best person he can be, just as you have.

The only advice I can think of is to look at this very strategically and work out a long term plan and take it in baby steps.

Maybe write him a letter first. Keep it very unemotional. “I know you have problems but some of your behaviours are affecting me/my mental health. If I don’t address them now, I may have to go no contact with you to protect my self. etc etc”. Make sure there’s no apology from your side.

Then just keep stating your boundaries. Ie “before you get into my car, I must tell you I will only talk about the weather. If you start telling me what to do, I shall ignore you. I will then not be available to give you any more lifts to hospital”

Think of all the instances he infuriates you and decide a standard answer you just parrot out each and every time. Let him get defensive. Grey rock.

Think of it like teaching a 3 year not to pull hair/bite/other nasty behaviours, or an annoying puppy. Firm but fair.

Think of it as Dad Training. You are in charge, you have the power. He needs you, you don’t need him. He’s very lucky to actually have you in his life at all. Let him know it.

Oh OP!
Well done for coming here to vent, I bet you needed that.

He's a terrible dad, you feel constrained from expressing that, but need a way of discharging the emotion - or avoiding the situation. As you manage perfectly cordial relationships with everyone else in your life, obviously it's not you, it's him - although that much is apparent from your description of your early life & his addictions anyway.

And in my head I'm just screaming why the fuck would I take any advice off of you, you haven't raised a thing in your full life fuck off. I have so much anger inside of me towards him.
What's the worst that could happen if you just let rip?
You're allowed. It's ok. Your feelings are as important as his - why should he get to carp & criticise, but you can't bite back?
If you think it would make you feel better, even just a temporary relief from the suffocating pressure he puts you under - do it! If he shouts back or tries his usual bossiness or DARVO act - so what?
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

God forbid I say anything though, he's such a defensive man, and turns it around on me and says I am attacking him if I disagree with anything he says.
You could tell him to fuck off, you're fed up to the back teeth with him, to leave you alone & you'll call him when you feel ready to deal with his shit.
You don't HAVE to.
But even daydreaming about the possibility will help you start to reframe this toxic balance where you tiptoe over his eggshells & he controls you by constantly telling you everything you do is wrong.

I suspect this habit of pointing out everything you Do Wrong is to give himself an illusion that he's fulfilling a parent role. That's not an excuse for him - it's fucked up - but maybe in his mind, 'being a dad' is about handing down knowledge & being the font of life wisdom. That might help you slightly with the reframing too. You could even point it out to him, along the lines of "Oy - stop telling me how to take care of my own dogs. You fucked off & didn't even manage to take care of me, how dare you instruct me on how to look after a dependent creature?"

There are a lot of techniques like Grey Rock, Broken Record that people with dysfunctional relatives who they feel obliged to see can deploy.
However ... I'm not sure that's helpful for you right now., Because that keeps you stuck in the "I must keep tolerating his bullshit, because I am obliged" camp. When really - isn't it time you started at least holidaying in the "not my fucking problem, arsehole!" camp?

What I'm driving at is the unfairness of this enmeshment. He abandoned you, but expects you to take care of him now. Listen to his rants, tolerate his overbearing 'instruction,' ferry him to appointments.
Instead of pushing back against that, you are internalising your rage - & that is so, so bad for your health. Mental health, obviously, but unexpressed rage is a major stressor to the physical body too.
But I don't know how to control this overwhelming anger towards him that is eating me up.
My dear - you are worried that you are too angry.
I am worried that you are not angry enough.

How about you allow yourself to feel these authentic feelings?
Really get in touch with them. Take a baseball bat to a pile of old stones in the garden. Find a remote spot & have a cathartic scream. Get a punch bag - or go to a gym & ask someone friendly, or pay an instructor, to teach you how to beat the crap out of it.
Your feeling of anger is not there to be suppressed forever. It will make you ill, & miserable. The trick is, finding a way to manage the anger, harness it for your own wellbeing, & allow it to leave you in controlled, directed bursts. Those bursts could be with the baseball bat, the remote screaming, the punchbag - whatever - the idea is that you learn how to feel your anger without fear, & control & manage it as the vital part of your life force that it is.
Once you are more familiar with being in control of that anger, you can even choose to direct it - safely, without losing your sense of self or control - right back where it belongs - at your deadbeat dad.

What your anger is telling you is "my body & subconscious is reaching its limit & one more ounce of pressure & I think I will explode."
That is good information!
Work with it.

I am stuck with him, can't go no contact as he has suicidal tendencies
Oh puh-leeeease ...
I just bet he does.
Arch manipulators often do.
If he expresses suicidal ideation to you - your role is not to pander to it. Not to appease him, or reward his emotional blackmail attempt by giving him just what he wants from you ... your role is to ask him what he expects you to do about it, & refer him to a clinician.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR FATHER'S LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE.
He doesn't get to use threats of suicide to make you take care of him, to make you accept his bullshit, to make you feel guilty.
If he talks about actually making an attempt - NO DRAMA.
"That's horrible to hear dad. I hope you don't do it, but you need expert help with that, I am not a therapist & can't take this on board."
You then ring the police, & ask them to do a welfare check on a suicidal man. The cops will be well versed in this routine with pretend-suicide-threateners - they will assess him, & they will deal with the matter appropriately.

and I don't want him to be completely alone, that thought does make me sad.
You didn't make him be alone.
You didn't abandon him. Quite the reverse!
You didn't cause him to have no friends to turn to.
I suspect you have a touch of 'parentification' going on here.
www.parentingforbrain.com/parentification/

In short - it's FAR more important & urgent that you deal with this overwhelming (& perfectly reasonable) anger than it is that you deal with your dad.
You can go NC. You can go LC. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.
He should be SO grateful that you even allow him in your life at all - but ... of course he won't be! He's far too needy & controlling to be capable of self-reflection & responsibility for his own actions.

So what to do?
Firstly - discharge that anger on the regular - as per tips above, or anything that helps you dissipate the churning awfulness of it.
Secondly - get to know your anger. Learn to manage it so you can control it, & use it to your benefit. Like an expert soldier - the kind who knows how to control & then deploy aggression effectively, not randomly.
Thirdly - ACCEPT that it's ok to be angry. You are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to express it, & when it comes to your dad not only will it help you to deal with his nonsense, it will (eventually - he will push back initially) train him into a realisation that he if want to keep using your time, he needs to follow your guidelines. That would be things like "don't tell me how to manage my dogs" "don't tell me how to drive" "STFU about your problems, they are not mine to solve."

I'll be checking in later - (can you tell I have a highly dysfunctional parent myself?!) but want to leave you with a little daydream to try on for size:

Dad: You don't know how hard it's been, I'm all alone, you give me no time, woe woe woe me me me
Colt: Uh-huh. Can you pass the salt please?
Dad: but my life, I want, you must ...
Colt: Really? Do you want bread with that or just the chips?
Dad: You are not listening, you should pay attention, you never get anything right, why can't you just -
Colt: I've had enough of this. Shut up, I can't take any more moaning or bossiness
Dad: How dare you? This is the problem with you, you always -
Colt: FUCK OFF - SOFA SHITTER! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE & DON'T COME BACK UNTIL I ASK YOU TO

There you go!
Anger discharged - check
Situation avoided for X days/weeks - check
Dad now aware that there is a point beyond you will not be pushed - check

He seems to be squatting in your head and taking up a lot of space. If you can’t go NC then consider LC and set certain times when you will interact with him. Tell him you are setting some boundaries due to your own life circumstances and will not be able to take his calls etc at other times. State very calmly that you believe he is using drugs again and cannot help him, he has to help himself.

As others have said the suicide risk is there but is not and never will be your responsibility. If he threatens this you call an ambulance. Signpost him to services but don’t get involved.

Step back and breathe. Look after yourself and your children.

Best wishes.

None of this man's problems are your fault
I hereby give you permission to cut this man out of your life.... Not that you need permission, just do it

OP, as a mother you have to put your children first. I totally understand where youre coming from in terms of feeling you need to look after him but your children have to be your priority. Andbif this relationship with him is eating you uo like this your children will experience that and it will negatively affect them. You not being able to be happy will negatively affect them. You are likely feeling so angry because you feel trapped and that you can't deal with the situation in the way that you want to (I.e. just remove yourself from the situation). My advice is go no contact - a traumatic childhood is not an excuse. For example many abused children do not go on to abuse others - it is a choice. He has chosen to behave how he has and to push everyone away. Look at it this way, you going no contact may even make him realise he's responsible for all of this and he can change. But whether he does or doesn't is on him, not you. I promise you if you do go no contact you will feel so much better for it - and if you don't you can always change your mind.

I have one of these OP. I used to (almost) feel sorry for him - between being scared/disappointed or hurt. I go to see him on the train every couple of weeks, spend a few hours, come home and cry. My kids, now early twenties, don't have to see him and choose not to. My brother who lives a few minutes away from him used to see him once a week - but not even that anymore.
He made his bed. He can bloody well lie in it.
I guess my plan is to continue to monitor his health and make sure he has adequate support to access services. While generally smiling and nodding, I choose not to engage on any real level with him. He moans about it, well, he moans about everything, but if he wanted more maybe he should have kept his fists to himself when we were little.

Thank you everyone for all your messages. They have been really kind and helpful. I feel I am kind of doing grey rock just now as I don't really give him much reaction on the outside but inside I am fuming. When I try and speak to him about his drug use it is 'how dare you accuse me, I have been sober for years' whilst he sits there slurring his words. All his behaviours point towards him using again, I am so used to it.

But thank you, I have received some great and practical advice.

Meet him in a cafe once a week. When your dc are at school..
That's it.
That's all.

You cannot parent your parent. Any substance abuser will suck the life out of you but there is plenty of help out there — they just need to want to change and engage with the help.
Send him some leaflets, phone numbers for Narcotics Anonymous, Samaritans etc.. if that will help you, then block him on everything.
He’s not good for your mental health, not good for your kids and who is going to pick you up if you crack under the strain? You sound as if you’ve got a good future— please concentrate on that.

You absolutely can go NC or very LC. Your siblings have got it right. You’re making excuses for him and that’s tying you to him. Don’t feel blackmailed by his suicide attempts. He may or may not try that again whether you’re in contact with him or not. It’s not something you can control or influence.
Put yourself and your kids first. Does he make you happy? No. Can you make him happy? No, and that isn’t your fault.
He had his chance at being a good dad and granddad, he’s blown it and he won’t change.

Some parents really aren't worth having. And you honestly do not owe your dad a thing.

It's likely that you're stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) because that is the way you were raised. It's particularly common in women as we are generally hard-wired to be caring.

Going "no contact" is often the only way to protect ourselves (and our children) from toxic parents. None of this is your fault.

People like your dad do not change. They just get worse as they get older. His only "interest" in you and your child is selfishness because he wants your attention, sympathy, and help. He deserves none of this.

Prioritise what YOU want, and what you want for your future. He does not have to be a part of it. It's YOUR life and YOUR choice.

I think if you can’t go NC you need to go low care. This is what I do, it’s impossible having an addict as a parent. If he says ‘how dare you accuse me, I’m sober for 5 years,’ I’d simply say ‘well I don’t think you are,’ then leave. If he pushes advice on parenting/pet raising just say ‘I don’t want any advice, I know what I’m doing thanks.’ Then just rinse and repeat. And try to block him out.

I think the chances of him changing are minimal to be honest. So you just need to change how much you let it impact you.

You hold all the power here. You can absolutely control how much he impacts on you.

it’s ok not to like or even love a parent

you have understandably dropped your boundaries for him and naturally that is impacting you mentally

im sure or certain even that when you are in recovery that you do get help to understand what led you down that path - he could also access help for trauma now but he chooses not to

I love this, thanks for making me laugh

The best thins I have read on t’internet in a very long time.

brava!