you need “self love”

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so firstly I’ll apologise if I’m jumbled or being difficult to follow. I’ve been struggling to sleep so - apologies in advance! Sorry if it’s also long, I’m actually struggling with understanding the self love concept.

ive spent the last couple of years trying to, I don’t know, get to know myself I suppose (totally sounds wanky but it’s true). Obviously I’m learning new things everyday - like for example I don’t always need to make a sarky remark. I can just say “hey I didn’t like that much”. You know that kind of thing?

it stemmed from actually realising how damaging my childhood was. I think I ignored it and pushed it away for years and was very “don’t let life get you down babe!!!!” For decades and I just kind of crumbled about a year ago and it’s been pretty hard since then.

I’ve realised that the thing I find hardest to comprehend is the concept of “self love” and how if I don’t “love myself” no one can love me? I understand boundaries, stay away from people who harm me, mostly keep a pretty stable life, not hideously ugly etc etc
but I don’t “love” myself
ive been to therapy, meditated, do yoga, be kind blah blah blah but I still don’t actively “love myself”
so I’m kind of like, if I can’t love myself then I don’t deserve love? Do I have to keep like, loving myself until when?

now it’s not to say I “love myself” for love. I do most of the things because I want to for me. It’s not for anyone else. But like, why am I unlovable? When will I not be unlovable?

fundamentally, if I’m the only person who actually loves me… then how lovable am I really? I don’t understand the concept.

also it feels a bit like “heads I win, tails you lose” - if I want someone to love ke, I don’t love myself enough… but then I should love myself so much that I don’t care that no one loves me?
like it’s really difficult. I’ve never had parents who actually loved me so I feel sometimes that there’s little understanding or compassion for someone who actually has never had it. I don’t understand what I’m actually supposed to do?

i hope this makes some sense. If not - we can bicker in the comments until my team meeting hahaha

Sounds like love to me. You're over thinking it.

I thought that too for a bit and you’re probably [definitely] right that I’m over thinking it

i giess I’m just like, I thought self love was supposed to be end goal?
but I still feel empty, sad and lonely. So maybe I’m doing this whole self love thing wrong? Is how I see it I suppose?

I think the “love yourself” thing is more about being okay on your own. And valuing yourself. Which it sounds like you do.

Of course you can still feel lonely and think that it would be nice to have a partner.

But that’s different from being terrified of being alone and staying in bad relationships because you can’t cope with the thought leaving.

I know what you mean - I never had love from my parents and I have always struggled with the concept of self-love. It was a disappointing realisation that I have to spend the rest of my life with me. Which sounds nuts I know! I think it comes down to that unconditional part for me. I used to judge myself very harshly, and ruminate over stupid things I had said or done, but more recently I have had more thoughts of "You tried your best - because you always have done!", or even think a bit more fondly of my shortcomings. Life is bloody hard and I fuck up often and if I don't forgive myself for being imperfect then the rest of my life is going to be very difficult.

I do try to learn from my mistakes though - face things head on and not shy away from them - Everyone has a darker side, even if you want to hide it or ignore it, it always comes out (usually in times of stress for me). Yeah, I hate the fact I can make a bitchy comment, or feel tired at someone elses troubles, or feel relieved that I am not alone in particular difficulties but that's okay (and forgivable). Life is short and I don't think we are supposed to learn how to be perfect and do everything well. I think we are supposed to learn to cope with the many imperfections and learn from them and let them go. That is self-love to me.

Or it's maybe just where I am in my realisation of the concept - ask me in five years maybe!

I think the meaning behind you need to love yourself before someone else can is more to encourage you to see yourself as “whole” without a partner. For some people, so much value is put on being in a partnership, that they see themselves as invaluable if they’re single. And that saying is to be taken as you have to love yourself alone, then of course companionship can add to that.
I also think, to love yourself, you don’t have to think the sun shines out of your own arse. You just need to be able to see the positive things about yourself and not be defined by your faults as we all have them. For example, I dislike that I’m unorganised and I don’t keep my house tidy enough but I know that doesn’t make me a bad person, I’m not defined by my faults. You can identify them, accept them and love different parts about yourself. None of us are perfect and if we had to be to love ourselves we’d all be pretty miserable.

I don't think self love means thinking that you're amazing or being happy all the time. It means valuing yourself as a human, and knowing that despite your faults you are as worthy of respect and love as anybody else. You can feel sad and lonely sometimes but also know that's ok and normal, and doesn't diminish you as a person. If you can accept yourself and be comfortable in your own skin you will attract people who want to treat you well too.

thanks for the responses
i think I was/am being melodramatic

I [naively] thought that “self love” was, enlightenment or something, and just felt a bit short changed
Guess I need to love myself more people hahaha!!

I hate the expression and it always seems to get trotted out by some smug so and so, that probably would have no idea what it meant of you asked them. It conjures up images of someone floating around whispering sweet nothings to themselves all day, with the sun shining out of their arse.
I get the basic premise of it, that you need to work on liking yourself, speaking kindly to yourself, asserting yourself so you are not been treating like a doormat etc. So you attract similar in others, if that's what you are looking for, but this understanding comes from counselling not from some idiot imparting their wisdom from that expression, that just left me feeling that there was obviously something else wrong with me because 'i didn't love myself enough'. The expression should come with a set of instructions and only be used by people that actually know what it means.

“, that just left me feeling that there was obviously something else wrong with me because 'i didn't love myself enough”

Thats literally where I’m at right now
and it’s like, oh so I kinda do all the things I’m supposed to, but still feel less-than
so I can’t even do self love right? how shit
it’s actually really damaging

Hi there, the first gap is how you were treated in childhood.

If you had grown up in a safe, secure loving family, then you would already know what love is and then feel loved.

But now there's a gap in your self knowledge. What is love? It could mean many different things to you. There are some books. "5 love language" even "men are from mars" to an extent. These are all books on what society perceives to be love. Then you read those books and start thinking, "yes, if someone did that for me, I would think that was love"

There some songs by Lizzo where she talks about self love. She talks about buying herself flowers. Because that is something she thinks love is. For example, yoga. Maybe,over time, you will start really feeling that yoga as a way you are showing yourself self love.

But it will take time. A lot of time. You are learning a new language. You are building a new foundation. The emptyness will still happen. But over time, you will enjoy your own company.

Just to say, i went on a self healing journey about 15 years ago. I was lucky enough to travel alone. It was eye opening because I often didn't likebeing alone. And, at the time, didn't really do self-reflection.

Just take your time with it. It may turn out for you yoga isn't self love. Or maybe it will be. Maybe it will be that or other things. I would say having come from a place where i know I did not love myself, I am now, 15 years later, still realising the things I like/enjoy. Giving myself that sort of space to enjoy it. I absolutely still do not feel completely relaxed in it - but I think I am more relaxed in it than before.

It's a tough journey but very much worth the climb

All the best

I understand self love as a total acceptance of yourself, past and flaws included and to treat yourself well which includes removing or getting away from toxic people and environments, not taking harmful substances or allowing life to stress you out so much you become ill. It's like looking after a child or loving a best friend and ensuring they are taken care of and happy, speaking to yourself kindly and forgiveness.

There are people who can't have been loving themselves who were absolutely loved by others. I'm thinking of a mother or a wife that loves her deeply depressed, suicidal, alcohol or drug dependent person in their lives whom they continue to love however there reaches a point where they can't love you because you don't love yourself enough to look after yourself and you finally succeed in pushing them away as it hurts too much to be around that that their own self love for themselves kicks off and they think: right, I can't do this anymore love is not enough I love myself I'm not putting up with your toxic erratic behaviour.

When you don't love yourself you don't have a healthy authentic relationship with others because you don't let them see the real you and you don't move on and forgive yourself from trauma. You might end up in a dynamic where you feel unseen, unheard or taken for granted. Resentment festers. It's like, there is you, your self hatred issues, and then the other person. People who don't love themselves can end up unintentionally pushing people away, staying in toxic relations, faking or hiding who they really are always pretending to be a version they think is more lovable or what others wants of them. So you never truly experience being loved, even when others love you or a version of you, their love doesn't get through to you because you don't love yourself enough to see you could be loveable.

I think of it like if you think you're ugly. Even when someone compliments you you might not believe them. Even if there is a day you dressed up and felt pretty, the slightest look or comment can knock the wind out of your sail and you are back to thinking you are ugly. If you knew you were beautiful then comments or looks that suggest otherwise just wouldn't shake you. When you love yourself, you are not relying on others who may have agendas or their own problems and motives for manipulating them. You are not relying on an external source to validate you, you are secure within yourself and you look after yourself and treat yourself kindly and well, just because. And it doesn't matter who comes or leaves your life, you are still there solid for yourself, making the best possible decisions for yourself.

I think once you've crossed the bridge to loving yourself it's no hardship to maintain but the trick is that it needs to be genuine self love as I believe there can be moments where we think we have reached self acceptance but something happens in life that makes us realise we still need to work on it because we haven't reached it.. once we reach it however I think it would be very difficult to go back.But it takes work and it has to be genuine.

I think 'self love' is a weird term. It's usually about balance. If you hate yourself, you're out of balance and if you love yourself too much, you're also out of balance. I prefer being 'at peace with myself'. If I'm at peace, I'm neither too little or two much of a thing and I have healthy relationships with others while also being able to have good boundaries.

Thats literally where I’m at right now
and it’s like, oh so I kinda do all the things I’m supposed to, but still feel less-than
so I can’t even do self love right? how shit
it’s actually really damaging

I feel the urge to poke someone in the eye when I hear it. It's also usually said in a flip way that makes it sound like it's easy to acquire, 'oh I'll just pop off to the shops to go get me some self love'.

I don't think you need to love yourself to find love.
I've had relationships with zero self esteem. To me it just means that when you start to treat yourself with kindness and respect you will have less tolerance for others treating you badly, so you're more likely to attract proper love. i.e one that is based on mutual kindness and respect.

But yeah bin that expression.

thank you x

I think self love is accepting yourself for who you are and still liking yourself. I think it comes from being (and knowing you are) a generally good person and that no matter what other people think of you, you know you are a decent person. You know then that you are worthy of love because you are a decent person and so you have self love.

I guess my issue recently is that I do agree with all of that. I think I’m ok and try to be a decent person, all told.
but like… I’m still a bit hopeless about everything.

and I feel a bit cheated by the whole “self love” train. Like if I work on myself and blah blah vlah
but I’m still fundamentally no better off than when I actively disliked myself.

does that make sense? I don’t know if I’m just being grumpy ha ha

It just seems to be the ‘go to’ response

“learn to love yourself”
”focus on yourself for a bit”
”if you love yourself then these things won’t bother you”

and I don’t really feel any different so what was the point of opening Pandora’s box of internal bullsjit ajd trauma
I was much happier when I was oblivious

I guess if you love yourself you can still feel lonely and show yourself compassion by accepting that everyone feels lonely sometimes and it’s a natural human emotion and going out to seek connection in healthy ways.

if you don’t love yourself it’s easy to feel that your loneliness is because you’re not good enough and something to be ashamed of and to blame yourself.

that makes sense
thwnk you x

It started to make more sense to me when I thought of it in terms of parenting yourself. Remembering yourself as a child, the things you liked to do, the things you struggled with, the times you felt lonely or scared or confused or let down, and feeling compassion for that little girl. And then remembering that she's still there inside you, and you're still feeling those things and still trying to make sense of things and doing your best, and you still deserve that compassion.

Being a good parent doesn't mean indiscriminate praise and affirmation the whole time. It involves being firm, setting boundaries, being honest, but knowing that it all comes from a place of absolute, beyond-doubt love. You can try to be the parent to yourself that you wish you had (if that makes sense!)

It's just self help bollocks and a platitude that people spout endlessly. What if you are a reprehensible cunt? Should you still love yourself? (undoubtedly those people do anyway).

There is such a focus on self and blah blah blah. Not everyone's problems can be solved by being fucking zen. It's a luxury belief for middle class wankers.