Grandparent being nasty to DS

[Bentley123]

The title may be over the top but I need some advice.
I have moved to be closer to family -sister/nephew/and my mum and dad.
We all get on fairly well. My parents adore my children and on the whole we have a great time but my dad just seems to get so impatient. He’s always been a bit impatient, doesn’t get lively/boisterous kids. He often says ‘why are they doing that?’ when they’re just being children/noisy and can’t seem to get they are little (4 & 2) and not behaving. He’ll be silly with them but then expect the oldest to switch on the right behaviour when needed. For example today he asked my boy to be quiet as nephew sleeping and he kept forgetting and he said loudly ‘Is he stupid or something?!’.
I am so hurt. I called him up on it. Said we wouldn’t be visiting again if he’s like this and he apologised , but I can’t forget my little boys face (I actually don’t think he heard but it’s really triggered me)
He gets impatient easily. But also they adore them and I think want to be involved.
He can quickly get irritated if my boy doesn’t listen to him, and has pulled his arm to get him to come to the loo when he had ignored him. My mum isn’t like this, she’s more patient/calm but had gone for a rest.
I need advice - I need to calm myself down- I can’t sleep. It’s just really got me.

Was your dad impatient like that with you and your sister when you were small?

Similar situation here.
I did the only thing I could do and that’s severely restrict any contact with them.
Kept visits very very short and only ever every few months or so.

I would not expose my kids to what I grew up with and to this kind of nastiness.
The damage is absolute and wholly avoidable.

Yes he could be at times but he worked a lot. He was also great in many ways. I guess I thought if anything he’d be softer with them as he has no responsibility if that makes sense. I wonder if he gets tired now he’s older (nearly 70)

Hi OP. I'd be hurt too if my father behaved like this. How old are your parents?
To ask if your dc is stupid was particularly unkind. I'd have to have a word with him and let him know how it made you feel to see him treat your child like that and how it might affect your child in the longrun.
I am a grandma and I can't imagine treating my dgc like this.

They are nearly 70.
My mum would never say anything like this. I wondered actually if there is something medically wrong with my dad. they have been suffering burn out caring for my elderly relative who lives with them. But my dad was impatient when we were kids so not completely out of character it just seems more relentless & lack of respect for me as an adult too.
I think I’ll say that no unsupervised contact and short and sweet visits unless
things improve..they haven’t looked auger them much on their own anyway. It’s just so disappointing as I’d hoped for a lovely relationship with them as we’d moved closer.

@Bentley123
That's so sad as gc are such a gift and of course it's natural you want your children to be loved unconditionally by your father.
Yes your father may be tired caring for another relative at 70 yrs old but I would bring it up in conversation how you feel, to let him reflect on his behaviour around your children.
I also have sympathy for your mother as she may not be seeing her gc as much due to your father's behaviour.

It can still be a lovely relationship OP.

Unfortunately mine didn’t turn out to be.
I knew 100% that I would not tolerate this behaviour towards my children and in the end it would result in me falling out with my relatives.

I didn’t want that. Hence I only visit with them for about 20 minutes once, maybe twice a year.

I hope that your situation is better than mine.

I think you handled the situation well, hopefully it will be enough for him as to think twice before putting down your children.

Aside from how much you decide to shield your kids from him you can also start to teach your kids that all people, including adults, can be unkind and if someone is putting them down it has every thing to do with the other person and nothing to do with them. I wouldn't frame this conversation in term of their grandfather but as a general truth so they can make sense of their grandfather's behavior and words as being about their grandfather and not about them when it happens in the future.

AdorbyCray thank you for this, very sensible words. Hard to deal with things when I’m feeling emotional too.