To have packed DS’s things as he asked?

[skyrus1]

I've posted a few times but the threads haven't gotten replies after my update.

I'll give a short version of context, 17 yo DS has ASD and is in a relationship with an 18 year old which I find a bit concerning. My main concern is the condom issue as DS says ‘Ben’ says they don't need them but speaking to ben last week he said he doesn't mind and it's DS that doesn't want to but ben has already cheated on DS in the past so I'm very worried about STDs. I also find it controlling as DS is constantly saying Ben says I don't have to do x etc.

Yesterday, I gave him a box of condoms anyway as it was my last resort. As expected, DS wasn't happy he told me to leave him alone and went to Bens and apparently he and his mum told DS he can stay for as long as he wants.

Earlier, he asked me to pack his things for him so I did. Part of me thinks that DS will come back in a few days as he will find these few days ‘exciting’ then the novelty will wear off and he'll get bored, I also didn't pack his comfort items apart from one thing. But the other part of me is worried he'll be pushed closer to Ben so I was BU.

Was I?

Why did you pack for him? If my son was behaving so poorly I’d not be packing his clothes.

I wouldn't have packed his bag. He wants to leave he can pack it himself! Don't think you were unreasonable with the condoms. Who knows how he will react. Maybe he will think twice if he has to do things himself and not have you to take care of him

I'm pretty sure I'd never pack for my 17yo dcs. If they are old enough to flounce off to a girlfriend/ boyfriend, they are old enough to pack their own suitcase.

He is autistic, so I'm going to take a wild guess he isn't emotionally 'old enough' to flounce anywhere.

Maybe he will think twice if he has to do things himself and not have you to take care of him

He probably won't though. He is autistic. Not having his support network around won't make him learn it will make him struggle.

He is autistic. Not having his support network around won't make him learn it will make him struggle

So why pack for him? Makes absolutely no sense.

Earlier, he asked me to pack his things for him so I did. Part of me thinks that DS will come back in a few days as he will find these few days ‘exciting’ then the novelty will wear off and he'll get bored, I also didn't pack his comfort items apart from one thing. But the other part of me is worried he'll be pushed closer to Ben so I was BU.

I think you can only be there for him. Not giving him his comfort items won't help him though, can you make contact tomorrow and meet up to give him what he needs? I think he will come back to you if you make sure he knows you are there.

I actually didn't mention packing.

not packing his comfort items deliberately is manipulative and underhanded imo

Firstly you can’t force your son to use condoms, only advise. Secondly I would not have packed my vulnerable son’s suitcase because that makes it look like you want rid of him. Thirdly not packing his comfort items appears spiteful. What was your reasoning for this?

I know I can't force him but I've been advising and he's been refusing, his bf has already cheated once so I'm concerned about STD risks.

I didn't pack all of his comfort items as 1. they wouldn't all fit in his bag and 2. we have rules about him not being allowed to take certain things out due to the risk of them getting lost/broken.

Why did you pack for him at all?! If he wants to leave he should pack his own bags!

but that's why it's called advise and not order, they don't have to listen to you, plus you said you deliberately didn't pack the comfort items so he would come back

I feel for you OP. There's no right or wrong and it's a tough old landscape moving into these kind of areas.
Being exasperated is perfectly reasonable.
Is there any scope at all to contact the other boys mum? She may well be fed up too!

Why are you allowing your vulnerable son to be involved in what seems like a very unhealthy relationship?

How do you imagine she could stop him?

I didn't pack all of his comfort items as 1. they wouldn't all fit in his bag and

Really? He couldn't have just died another bag?

2. we have rules about him not being allowed to take certain things out due to the risk of them getting lost/broken.

But he had gone to stay elsewhere.

These are bullshit excuses for holding back the comfort items of a disabled young person btw.

You won't 'win' him over by getting into this kind of struggle. Support him, give him what he needs and make sure he can always come back to you.

Used another bag!

I've not spoken to the other mum but DS said she's fine with him staying there. I'm not ‘allowing’ him to be in this relationship, I'm concerned but I can't stop it.

I also didn't say I didn't pack his comfort items just so he'd come back, I said part of me thinks he will when the novelty of them “living in ng” together wears off but I also added I didn't pack all his comfort items as another reason why he might, but he hasn't asked for them or anything and he told me he's okay.

He's 17 and vulnerable. I'd go round to the bf's house and talk to them both and his parents about the condoms and the relationship. Ideally, you want your DS back home. This relationship doesn't seem healthy. You don't want your DS isolated.