To ask how to support or cope with MIL diagnosis

[Onthedowns]

My MIL has just undergone surgery for cancer -late diagnosis and is recovering in hospital. It has spread to two other organs but they have stated treatable for a quality of life.A couple of good days and a bad day today, downward turn but not necessarily for the worse. Dr's feel could be post surgery complications but not necessarily life threatening.

We have two young DC. DH is beside himself he's sitting outside the hospital ward as visiting is over. He's questioning the Dr's decision to move from a high dependency unit to post surgical ward, questioning they aren't doing enough etc. I have offered to go over he has declined and would rather his sister

It's come as a great shock and there is no family on MIL side so everything is for DH and SIL to deal with.

I have a chronic health condition and perimenopausal. Kids are obviously unsettled.

I completey get I will need to be an emotional punchbag currently but what esle do I do ? Not do ?

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No, you don't have to be an emotional punching bag.

You'll need to do some listening, yes. But that's altogether different from being a punching bag.

In my case it was my late husband who got the diagnosis and the treatment for quality of life, so I get what he's dealing with. And honestly there's not much you can say. You just have to be there if he wants to talk. The one thing not to say to him is 'be positive'. That used to do my head in.

Our means of coping was to keep life as normal as possible. My DH didn't want his camcer to intrude on our family life, beyond his appointments and treatments. But your MIL and your DH might be different. Your going to be peripheral for a while, is the most likely short term outcome I suppose..

You've all got to take one day at a time . You won't change any outcome by speculating and you will tie yourselves in knots . Give mil space to recover and help each other out.
Try not to talk too much in front of kids, just tell them she's poorly and update them when you get concrete facts.
It's rubbish but you will get through it, be kind

MacMillan have an online support area of their website and also a helpline (open 8am to 8pm) You can call them just to chat through the situation, have them answer specific questions and/or look into getting a referral for a MacMillan nurse.

You don’t need to answer your husbands questions - he knows you don’t have the answers so just be there to listen 💐

Why do you have to be an emotional punch bag? Do you mean with her? Maybe. With your dh no.

People get cancer. You get on with things. Its her drama not yours so dont Make it about you and your dh needs to do the same. You and dh have to be calm and supportive.

Currently dealing with tail end of it with MIL. Terrible side effects. Life changing. No guarantees that its not going to come back as it so often does. How did we cope? Stayed in touch. Offered prayers and support. Made sure she got time with the DC. Put up with her being a bit me me me because she was worried she was dying. Let her have her own way organising a family holiday (which was hard work and expensive but fun). Offer sympathy. As you live near you can also offer practical help.

Your dh will worry but needs to keep a lid on it. Mine just tried to deal with the situation in hand not worry about the "what ifs".

You do not need to be an emotional punch bag. Your dh may be upset, worried of course, but he is an adult. He doesn't get to take it out on you.

I recently had a diagnosis and treatment. For me, the most supportive things were people helping without making a fuss. I just wanted things to go smoothly and to plan. I needed sleep and calm reassurance to process what was happening to me and find the resources to recover.

So try to get your dh to calm down, the doctors know what they are doing. When MIL comes out of hospital, just doing your bit to smooth the running order will be a huge help.

My brother was diagnosed and treated for lung cancer during Covid lockdowns etc.

He found Macmilan to be superb in terms of emotional support for him (so that he didn't 'burden' us) and the rest was practical support from us - shopping, ensuring bills were paid, attending appointments, ensuring he was eating a healthy diet etc. etc. etc. I'll admit we did indulge him a little (well a lot, really!) in that as soon as he said he 'fancied' something, from a curry to a day out at a favourite place, it was arranged pdq.

Macmillan were also excellent in ensuring he received the benefits to which he was entitled.

It's really tough to be a bystander, but the patient really needs to take the lead and let others know what they want/need.

Yes, another vote for Macmillan. They were great when my partner had cancer and can help the wider family as well as the person with the diagnosis.

Firstly, don’t you dare allow yourself to be an emotional punch bag for anyone.

Secondly, unless your MIL has dementia, she is an adult and should be the first person to be making decisions about her healthcare. Yes, her children should be included, and you if you will be expected to be involved in her cares, but her first.

I really don't want to sound callous, but your DH really needs to get some control over his emotions. Why was he sitting outside the ward and not coming home?

I couldn't afford to be like that when my DH was post surgery, or at any point in his treatment. It's indescribably awful but I had to be calm and reassuring. For him and for our daughters. You get on with it, you stay calm, you get stuff done, you try to keep life on an even keel for everyone. You find ways to have fun. You take your own stress somewhere else.

Contact Macmillan, and if your DH can't get a grip, see if he can get to talk with someone from there.
I know I'm sounding unsympathetic, but his role here is to support, not to add to the drama.

This is my kind of thought. It has come as a shock understandably. But he suffers anxiety anyway and this has put it through the roof.

His emotions are understandably everywhere. However i will support as best I can.

I don't think he is handling it as best as he can if there is such a thing and am worried he is making himself ill. I think the fact he is back and forth to hospital multiple times a day is giving the children anxiety. Questioning the who's and whys of what the doctors have done etc.

Obviously there is a longer journey to go after surgery recovery which I am worried he won't cope with. It's obviously very early to accept that this is cancer and we don't know how long she has left.

DSIL is obviously very upset but trying to have some normality.

I am trying to be supportive as best I can work do everything esle so he hasn't got to worry about any of that

You are not an emotional punchbag; how the hell would that help MIL?

DH and DIL need to man up. They are not the first adult children whose parent became terminallt ill.

First, they need to LISTEN to the doctors and find out what MIL's condition and needs will be when she comes home.

Then contact cancer charities to collect as much specific information as they can (about MILs cancers, the effects of whatever treatment she has, and how to care for her at home),. That info is free.

I think the fact he is back and forth to hospital multiple times a day is giving the children anxiety

Why is he doing this? seriously, even as the spouse of someone with the same diagnosis, I was focusing on my kids outside of visiting hours, while the professionals took care of my DH.
He has to trust the medical team. I know his anxiety is running riot, but when it comes to cancer care, these people are the experts. He can't hope to be able to tell them what they're doing. All the googling in the world isn't going to give him 0.1% of their knowledge.

Obviously I don't know your DH so I don't know how you talk him down. It seems like a trip to the GP for himself might be on the cards, so that some short term medication might be an option. But he has to realise the effect his behaviour is having on his children. Would his sister be any help in talking to him?

I'm so sorry that you're all going through this, but to last the course, he has to get into a healthy place and trust his mum to the medical team.

It's very difficult. His sister has spoken to him and I have had chats. Mil has had further surgery today and is obviously unwell but not on deaths door ifswim ?

He's been pacing the house all day waiting for news and phoning. I understand the anxiety but yes I think he may need some help

We haven't