is ExH a selfish twat for exposing us to his Covid ?

[54isanopendoor]

My Dd (15, Autistic) has struggled with Long covid for best part of 2 years.
She's improving but it's been hard for her, esp with her ASD. She is prone to chest infections since she had bronchilotis as a baby & has had inhalers in the past.

ExH was visiting his Mother. Our CH boiler broke (also controls shower). I asked him if I could take both kids to his for couple of long hot showers whilst we wait for CH boiler to be fixed. He said Yes. Yesterday we were there (pre arranged with him) when he arrived home after his train journey (via the chippy). He came in & before he said hello he grabbed something from a box on the mantelpiece & shot off to his bedroom. I looked at the mantelpiece & saw it was a box of covid tests. I asked & he said it was a negative test. We spent another 45mins there & he hugged both kids goodbye.

Today he texts to say he has Covid. His Mother had tested positive on Sunday so 'he's not surprised'. Current isolation guidance is 5 days. I appreciate that many ignore this now & we will come into contact with it routinely but surely he could have told me that he'd been in a Covid positive household for 4 days & given us the chance to leave the flat 45mins earlier. If any of us go down with it it will just make life harder & the kids & I have enough to be dealing with this week (boiler, school tests, Camp etc so possibly exposing the kids to covid this week of all weeks (I know we'll survive but it's a pain) really annoys me...

I think he is a selfish twat at the best of times so I may be over reacting so I'm interested in opinions on this.

It's totally selfish. But many on here will agree with his actions.

It was nice of him to let you use his flat but yeah, thoughtless of him not to tell you his mum had covid

@Ponoka7 I think the thing that gets me is that it was potentially completely aviodable too. He knew his train times. We could have scooted out just before. Or even if he'd said as he arrived we would have just left then so we'd have had the choice, even if some might think I was being over cautious?
Ironically, he has endless 'health conditions' himself (is currently signed off for 6m & counting for 'stress') & is a complete attention sponge for health matters.

Selfish idiot. I'd be furious.

@TheGrandOldHeart It was yes, but both his disabled kids were without access to hot water / heat before he went on his jollies & I had to text to ask a number of times if they could. He is not Father of the Year that's for sure. (does NO 1:1 access to either of them, only ever turns up at our house when it suits him, only just paying maintenance after 5 years & then very reluctantly. He's a prat, its just is he a Covid Prat too??)

I never understand why people don’t tell you things to let you make your own choice!

“Btw I’ve been with mum over the weekend, and she’s Covid positive. Just in case you want to leave before I get back - up to you!”

whats wrong with saying that?

He was nice to let you come into his house. He probably just didn't think and was just coming home to his home.

So, Dd & I are now quite unwell. I cant' say if it's Covid for defo as i have no test kits left (I'm not sure how you get hold of them any more?) but we will lie low for a few days to avoid spread in case it is (plus if it isn't we feel much too rough to follow our previous plans anyway, just keeping up with meals will be a struggle).
Ds seems okay so far so we're trying to keep away from him as much as we can in a shared house (& he has ASD so isn't very independent). It's a particular ball ache as my boiler broke & car is in garage having failed MOT (no courtesy car) so it's a perfect storm atm. I am way past the end of my tether.

I texted exH to wish him a Happy Birthday & say that the kids will phone later but Dd is ill & Ds is stressing about College work so it'll prob be quite brief.
Got a reply: Could we please bring him some bread & milk?
I said I have no car, (he knows) & not well enough to go shopping & take a bus.
He suggests that Ds do it as 'I know he's behind & worried about his College work but it might be a nice break for him & I'd like to see him on my Birthday'.
I suggested he gets a Tesco delivery (he's around the corner from Tesco anyway & we are 8m away from both). I said that if I get the car back / am well enough I'll drop some shopping on his doorstep over the weekend if I can but I think he's a selfish arse with knobs on.

I texted exH to wish him a Happy Birthday & say that the kids will phone later but Dd is ill & Ds is stressing about College work so it'll prob be quite brief.
Got a reply: Could we please bring him some bread & milk?
I said I have no car, (he knows) & not well enough to go shopping & take a bus.
He suggests that Ds do it as 'I know he's behind & worried about his College work but it might be a nice break for him & I'd like to see him on my Birthday'.
I suggested he gets a Tesco delivery (he's around the corner from Tesco anyway & we are 8m away from both). I said that if I get the car back / am well enough I'll drop some shopping on his doorstep over the weekend if I can but I think he's a selfish arse with knobs on.

Gosh, stop being such a martyr. If you know he's selfish then stop offering to do things that will trigger his selfishness. Why on earth are you worrying about his food shopping for or even entertaining the idea of doing shopping for him even though its a further journey for you than him, dropping it round to him (all whilst you are ill) but then simultaneously complaining about it at the same time? Do you know what the word "no" means?

@Keyansier Thank you for your comment. To add:
My younger years were full of abuse so my boundaries did not develop normally.
I am just emerging from a 21 year marriage to this person. I posted because sometimes I find it hard to know whether I am 'being horrible' (his version) or being reasonable / standing up for myself. So I was after some feedback from MN. The 1st post re the Covid germs was roughly 50/50 feedback.
I posted again because it seemed clear to me that to ask his only 'well' (yet disabled) child to travel with supplies for him was clearly unreasonable to me so I thought it relevant to add to my post as a development.
I don't think I'm a 'martyr'. I texted Happy Bday to him to be civil, I didn't initiate the food convo. I was quite proud of myself that I told him to sort it himself. But also that if I am in the area I'd drop off some bread & milk as that seems a decent way to behave. I think this is the bit I struggle with. I want to be a decent person. I need to be 'decent' to myself first, then others. It takes practice!

Have you not gotten your children vaccinated?

I'm going against the grain here, but he tested and he was negative so you'll probably all be fine.

I can't see it being that much of an issue, I'm guessing you and DD are vaccinated.

I would be livid. What a selfish git. Just because the government are saying we don't have to test anymore, it doesn't mean it is not the responsible thing to do. How dare he expose you and his children to Covid. As for milk abd supplies- stuff him

He tested and he was POSTIVE for Covid.
Yes kids & I have had our vaccines as recommended so in theory shouldnt catch covid but I am keen for Dd not to be exposed to any covid/flu etc as she is still getting over the long covid & has had a weak chest since bronchiolitis as a baby.

I am due my booster today (combi with flu). I'm thinking of cancelling as I now have a heavy cold / achy limbs / constant cough. (don't know where I can get a covid test at short notice in a small scottish village though). Dd is also unwell. Ds started sneezing last night. Might be nowt to do with exH as our boiler went & we've been having huge probs getting it fixed so the house has been cold.

ExH knows all this yet was still happy to ask us to be a Tesco service.

...which was clearly selfish enough for even me to see it for what it was.

You can get them on Amazon?

I agree.
Your kids are far more likely to get it at school / clubs / tesco

Rather than someone who was in contact with someone who has covid.

If I'm reading correctly he was negative when he came home, and then tested pos?

If you do have covid it all seems a bit quick to put the blame on him.

You don't need to be running around with bread and milk, set your boundaries.

@nevergonnanotdanceagain yes you have read it correctly but I didn't believe him tbh. He looked rough, literally ran in & grabbed something then when I asked what it was (I'd already seen the box of tests on the mantelpiece) he was shifty but said it 'was a test but was negative'. He texted to say he'd tested positive early the next morning. But tbh, even with a filthy cold etc he could have let us know that & we would have made sure we'd left just before (we were at his for 1.5 hrs for 3 x showers). He knows how ill Dd has been & that she's just pulling around. She's ASD, does 1x club & it has a Camp at the wkend so I want her well.

Yes. The bread & milk thing was clear which was why I posted again (in a 'ah! now I see the light...' kind of way). Yes I'll order some tests but wont come in time for booster appt today. Dont want to turn up in irresponsible fashion. Dont' really want shot anyway as feel very crap already so timing poor. Dont' want to waste the appointment at short notice either though. Pah.

Well I think he's a tosser OP, and am sorry you have such a shit man in your and your kids lives.

I think you need to work on your boundaries. No civil "happy birthday" texts. No doing his shopping. Just communication around the kids.

I've heard good things about the Freedom Programme which you could google, along with the "grey rock" technique.

Hope you feel better soon

Anyone knowingly exposing their already ill child to COVID is a selfish shit.

I'm sorry you're lumbered with him as the father of your children OP.

People saying how he's so nice to let his kids shower in his place. How bloody low are your bars? That's the absolute bare minimum parenting surely not being nice?!

Please don’t isolate yourselves from your young son with SN, even partially. That is worse than what your ex did.

@Mariposista no worries on that front. Ds is 17. However we sometimes have a quick hug / or Dd / I/ he can sit close by on sofa so it was more that I meant.

I took a Covid test yesterday (finally found a pack lurking at the back of the undersink cupboard still in date). It was negative so I attended my prebooked lunchtime flu & covid booster appointment. When I got there they said I looked proper rough. I explained circs. They suggested I took a fresh test (they provided) as 'if after I had my jabs I took a turn it would be harder to know if it was the current infection or jabs'(very sensible). So I did test at the h/c: positive. When I got home I gave kids a test (h/c gave me a few away). Both positive.
Now of course we could have picked it up anywhere / anytime.

But I DO think the 2nd bit of the story about the shopping was eye opening for me, not so much that exH asked me to take him shopping (& I nearly did as I've become conditioned to being 'super-mum' to everyone as kids have extra needs & exH being so sodding hopeless for so many years so I've just 'got on with it'..) but the bit that stopped me in my tracks was him saying (then still well) DS could do it. Yes he was well then, yes he is 17, but he doesnt manage public transport solo (as exH knows...) & it was just selfish (& sneaky?) to suggest that ('I know he's worried sick about his school work but it might give him a change of scene')

It's not a big deal to let your kids have A shower when you are 250m away. It would have been much more thoughtful to warn us he was ill so we could have scooted out & avoided the chance we'd pick it up from him, esp when Dd has been so ill from long covid. But to ask Ds to bring him shopping is really bad imo.

Thanks for the space & the feedback. I think I will look at the Freedom Program.