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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and PFB

14 replies

Namechange56781 · 23/11/2022 05:58

This is not a MIL bashing post, I generally have no issues with MIL and PIL but I do not have a close relationship with them. They live a few streets over from us and we rarely see each other. However since my PFB arrived, they understandably want to meet up regularly.

My issue is that I physically cannot bare watching MIL smother DD in cuddles and face kisses. I am 100% comfortable with my own family cuddling (not kissing) DD but it feels so alien to me having someone I don’t know all that well being so affectionate with my PFB.

To make things worse MIL keeps commenting on how happy she is that I am not one of those possessive mothers.. the problem is, I am! I am just too bloody afraid to say anything. DH is loving his parents new found interests in our lives so I don’t want to upset him by telling him I want them to back off.

I am aware IABU, but how do I get over this? After each visit I sit and replay in my head how uncomfortable I was and I don’t want them to visit ever again. What is wrong with me?!

OP posts:

Kitkatcatflap · 23/11/2022 06:24

Clearly you do have an issue with your MIL if you are replaying every visit in your head and it's making you feel so uncomfortable you don't want them to return. Perhaps it's your new mum protectiveness kicking in - her previous physical distance makes her feel like a stranger despite the MIL title.

You could use this as an opportunity to get to know your her better. I think she is trying to be complimentary when she says she is glad you are not a possessive new mummy. If it's the kisses, not the cuddles that bother you - perhaps you could ask your DH to have a word with her - as in my family doesn't smother the baby with kisses.

It would be a shame to stamp over your DH's excitement over parents interest. If you trust them him with the baby why not say, 'ohhh while you are watching DD I might just take a bath, go make a couple of calls'. That way, you don't have to replay anything.

Looneytune253 · 23/11/2022 06:43

Oh that's awful!! Poor MIL. I would get it if you were against kisses full stop but to say you're ok with your own family. Mil is just as close a relative as your own family. That is your baby's family. Get a grip!!

COL1N · 23/11/2022 06:55

I can totally relate to this, I hate watching my MIL (aka someone I dont know that well) smother my DD in kisses. I remember her kissing her hand when she was a couple of days & I had a physical reaction I couldn't control to grab DD back. All I can say is its got easier over time but I still dont like it much.

IntrovertedPenguin · 23/11/2022 06:57

Mil is just as much family as your family. You're being really nasty.

Kitkatcatflap · 23/11/2022 07:03

I don't the OP is being nasty. If she was nasty she would have said something and caused a scene already. I think the OP is being honest about a very real and unexpected physical reaction she is having as a new mum.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 23/11/2022 07:05

Looneytune253 · 23/11/2022 06:43

That's exactly what she says. Her family cuddle, but don't kiss the baby.

It's probably likely OP you're feeling this way because MiL made no effort before baby was born, therefore you have no established relationship and it's your protective instinct coming out. The more effort your MiL makes, the more time you spend building a relationship with her, the less uncomfortable you'll become.

Does she make any effort with you? Or is she all about baby?

Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx · 23/11/2022 07:05

Looneytune253 · 23/11/2022 06:43

I am 100% comfortable with my own family cuddling (not kissing)

I think she is against kisses as she says not kissing in her post.

But yeah, she shares the same amount of genes with her Dads parents as she does with yours so I’d just learn to deal with it and maybe now you can start to build a closer relationship.

Wallywobbles · 23/11/2022 07:06

How would you feel if your DH took your DC to them without you? Better or worse?

girlmom21 · 23/11/2022 07:07

It gets easier. Try and reframe it as being grateful LO has a lovely support network and use it to improve your relationship with your IL's

Byelaws · 23/11/2022 07:13

It might be small comfort now OP, but one of the best things a child can have, after loving parents, is loving and involved grandparents.

DD’s family love her and kiss her. That’s more love and community for her. They seem like strangers to you. But to DD they are her grandparents - her close relatives.

custardbear · 23/11/2022 07:17

Put yourself in her position in 30 odd years time, if you have a sim and your DIL doesn't want you kissing your sons child. The child has approx a quarter of her genes, of course she wants to bond and love the new baby.
Your hormones are on hyper protection mode at the moment, and having slightly older children I'm slightly less helicopter than k was when they were teeny, but just remember others have involvement too

emptythelitterbox · 23/11/2022 07:38

Cuddles are fine but face kisses, no way.
I wouldn't let anyone put their lips on my babies face, mouth,

Think nasty cold sores and other colds and viruses.

How on earth did you end up living so close to them?

Stompythedinosaur · 23/11/2022 07:53

I think that you are doing the right thing in trying to address this. The issue is less than you dislike your baby's grandma bonding with her (although it is of course a good thing that close relatives love her), but more that it isn't healthy or helpful to think of your baby as a possession.

If you don't like someone you don't know showing affection to your dc, the obvious choice would be to get to know her better.

Giveaschitt · 23/11/2022 08:53

You're getting some really odd responses OP from people who I don't think have bothered to read your post and just saw "Mil" so are wading in to tell you off...

I don't think there's anything wrong with you for feeling like that, and you acknowledge that you know its not "OK" (in that, you're not going to act on the uncomfortable feeling).
I think just keep reminding yourself that they are your baby's family and your DH's family and that as they become less of a stranger to you the feelings will pass.

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