To expect my boyfriend to want to spend time with me

[Weneedanexpert]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for coming up two years. We've been together a couple of times briefly in the past and we actually went to school together, so we've known each other for 30 years.

He likes his own company, works from home 4 days but has a lot of leave so he takes off 4 days a fortnight but he doesn't spend time with friends, and he doesn't enjoy travel so I go to his most weekends when my DC are at their dads. He lives 20 miles away.

He used to come over on a weeknight too but we had a tough patch earlier this year and he stopped coming.

This last weekend he was ill with a cold so we didn't meet, but by Sunday we were missing each other so he came over late. The plan was to stay until Thurs am, I'm on a course near his that day and we have a family meal on Thurs Eve and a family funeral on Friday. My car is broken, booked into the garage next week and he said he'd take me.

I'm WFH this week but have an easy week so we fit in walks, fun, and cooking. Then today I had a 30 min meeting so asked him to watch TV and eat his breakfast and he managed for 10 min then sent whiny WhatsApps saying he wanted to go home. He left without saying goodbye.

He doesn't want to come to the family meal or funeral, he hasn't given me a firm answer, he's just said he hasn't thought about it yet. This is my 5th funeral since August last year and he did come along to one of the first 4. But I can't help but feel that if it was his relative he wouldn't need to ask me twice.

He's caring and kind in many ways, but very selfish in some specific ways. He's funny and clever though and we do get on well most of the time even if I feel like I give in to his wishes to keep the peace.

Right now I feel like he doesn't like me, he just wanted sex and company because he spends so much time alone. He has said sorry for upsetting me. And he's always there if I want to chat on WhatsApp, but I don't want to conduct my relationship mostly by WhatsApp.

AIBU to expect him to spend time at my house, to spend time he's off work at mine while I'm at work or at least to handle the storming off better, and to want to support me at a close family funeral?

I'd separate out the funeral and the 'wanting to spend time with you' as I think they are different.

I think YANBU to think that 2 years in to a relationship, you might be wanting to spend free time together for a fair % of the time, if it is practical.
However, as you have dc, it is a bigger 'thing' than that, as, presumably when he is at yours, so are the dc ?

I think YABU to expect him to come to funerals with you on such a regular basis.
I am truely sorry you have lost so many people in such a short space of time, but I am guessing that - as he doesn't spend much time with you - he didn't have a relationship with these people ?
My dh hasn't been to funerals of people in my family with me after we have been married for years, unless he has formed a relationship with them too, and nor would I expect him to.

I wouldn't really expect a boyfriend of less than 2 years, who I didn't live with, to come to a family funeral, especially if it is not a particularly close relative.

Sorry that you have had so much recent loss but some people struggle with funerals. I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to attend a family funeral and especially not the family meal afterwards but after two years he should be able to tell you that .

I think you have probably answered your own question when you wrote 'he likes his own company'. It's does sound as if you want to spend more down time with him then he does with you. This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you but it does say perhaps you want different things. You say he is good company, clever and funny but is he also selfish and you give in to him to keep the peace. You have to ask yourself if it's worth it. Only you know if you are feeling used or short changed.

It sounds as though you already spend quite a lot of time together. Expecting your boyfriend to always go to family events or funerals of your friends and family is a tall order and you say he has attended in the past. The fact that he wanted to go home so suddenly shows that he was feeling a bit 'crowded'. We cannot help how we feel.

Your boyfriends needs his own space, something I understand very well because I have always felt like that; I am sure you do too but probably less. You have different needs and expectations from your relationship.

Nevertheless the relationship is a reasonably good one as it is without living in each other's pockets. Many would envy that, Weneed. You have time to do your own thing with your children and your house is your own. Please try and see it in a positive light, be independent and put no pressure on him.

If you are not happy with that, he is not for you nor you for him.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the opinions, and you're probably right about the funeral. Funerals are not fun and I didn't ask him to come to 3 of the others. The other involved travelling and he wanted to come.

Although it's been just under two years we go back a long way so I think we're quite close.

I can also see that sitting around while I'm at work isn't that fun for him. But he suggested it. And he used to be happy to spend his free time during the week at mine, now we just see each other on weekends, and I go to him. I guess I want us to want to spend more time together as time goes on, not less.

But yes, my DC are here in the evenings (they go to my parents until 6), so it's not just us. He does seem to value the time we have together alone at his.

I read your thread title and thought well of course your boyfriend should want to spend time with you. But it seems like he does, if it is not enough for you then it is decision time for you.

I think that a bf/DP of 2 years should want to come to a funeral with you for support - work permitting of course. It's got nothing to do with how well he knew that person himself.

The whole disappearing without saying goodbye incident is also weird - and disrespectful.

It sounds like you want different things. You want a proper partner, he wants a casual relationship and to do his own thing and live his own life with an add-on of regular sex and female company as and when.

I don't think he's that great OP.

Why did the relationships end previously?

We had a short fling in our 20s but he was suffering from depression and I was moving abroad, neither of us really wanted a proper relationship then. Then again a few years later we had a fling of a few weeks but I lived too far away. He actually dumped me because he fancied my friend, and he asked her to go out with him, then we both got into new relationships, I got married and had DC and we didn't speak for a few years. Meanwhile I moved near my home town. When I separated from ex DH I got in touch just thinking we could try again to be friends and he was single again and we ended up getting together.

Thank you. I don't think it would be weird or inappropriate for him to come to the funeral, he knows my family. I think just leaving like that was selfish but he probably would hate to upset me over it. There's loads of things he does that I think are weird but I make excuses because he's lived a very lonely life overall. I do think you're right though that he doesn't really want the type of relationship I want.

Do you think maybe you both just settled for each other because it's easy and comfortable?

Hmm, maybe. I don't think so though, it's not really easy and comfortable. I like him a lot though, he dreams of the perfect relationship, he broke up with his ex because that wasn't it, and he was slow to call us a couple for that reason. He tells me he loves me and I believe him. But he does like a lot of his own company.

I just wanted to say , that after dating two years, why would people not expect their significant other to be there to support them in such a sad time!! I