to not read what DH writes

[remnant]

DH is an intellectual and also writes. He's disappointed that I don't read what he writes. I've long since dropped any expectation he'll engage with things that absorb me but he finds it constantly disappointing that I, as he puts it, don't care enough about him to want to know who he is by reading what he writes. We're over 20 years into the marriage and I don't feel the need. AIBU?

When someone shows little regard for your interests but expects you to be engaged in theirs, they are being unrealistic and selfish.

What does he write?

Is he right that you don't care enough?
Has 20 years of marriage told you all you want to hear from him?

More details needed. What kind of things does he write and what things do you like that he ignores?

He writes non-fiction mostly. Long academic style essays/books. Sometimes poetry.

Same with my late husband. I did read all his books but usually skipped the boring bits. He didn't much engage with family life. We had a few overlapping interests but it was an uneven relationship. The books helped really because the body of work was a small compensation for the things that didn't happen. Royalties help.

My ex constantly thought I wanted to hear every dull, same sounding song he wrote. He was wrong. why should you be interested in everything he writes? You are 2 different people with different interests.

YANBU - a vague "oh that's nice dear" was the most I could manage after 20 years of marriage. Thank goodness we are divorced.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. My husband writes. I rarely read it and I don’t believe he expects me to. He doesn’t often write about things that interest me. Similarly, he rarely reads what I write. For the same reasons.

What does he write? Novels? Scientific papers? Huge tomes of textbooks for academics? Something else? Do you actually have much time for reading?

Is what he writes of a genre that interests you at all? If it isn't and you have little time due to work or children etc., would rather read or do other things then you are not being unreasonable.

I can understand his disappointment perhaps, but he can't get to dictate everything you do with your spare time.

Are you the OP with a name change fail?

I wouldn't be interested in reading much of that genre of stuff either.

things he's not interested in: food, exercise, gardening, people, day-to-day normal life really

it's not that i don't care about him, but i literally can't fake an interest in what he's writing although i am happy for him to do it

Name change fail OP?

It’s perfectly reasonable to have different parts to your life that are not enmeshed with being married to someone in fact it’s healthy imo.

Reading his work? Well would he want you to read his mind too? Better to just have the headlines 😊

It depends what he writes. If it's thoughts and philosophising about life, I could imagine you'd want your partner to take an interest, because it's probably inspired by your conversations.

If it's academic research or a niche genre then no you're not bu! Knitting is one of mine main hobbies but I wouldn't expect partner to be engrossed in knitting patterns just because it's my interest

How selfindulgent of him to expect this of you.

I can only compre it to when DH tells long boring work stories and then seems hurt when I can't get super enthusiastic about them. that doesn't mean I don't care about him, it just means I am not particular interested that Dave in Ops wasn't helpful in getting the order out in time.

yes, apologies for confusion

I’m an author and am always commenting on threads where someone feels unsupported by friends and family. I say they shouldn’t because they should treat it like any job- you can talk about it and they can listen, but you don’t go into their workplace and look at exactly what they do! I’ve read friends’ work and even if I love them, if the genre’s not for me the chances are huge I’m not going to love/ be interested in it but some people just can’t let it go. The worst thing is then they come back and say the person said it was good as opposed to the outstanding excitement they wanted to hear. Writers are just funny folk (which doesn’t help you so sorry!!)

I've long since dropped any expectation he'll engage with things that absorb me

He sounds like a twat. Has he explained this double standard?

Assuming his writing is part of his academic / professional life it would be unreasonable for him to expect more interest from you than he might expect if he were a geologist or domestic animals vet.

How much interest does he show in your work / occupation?

I write and it is SO not my husband's genre. I'd never expect him to read it.

I know how you feel because my mum is also a writer, and I don't like HER genre or style! Which is why I'd never ask my husband to go through that awkwardness!

It’s the same here. We both have hobbies where we make something.

I show him something I make or am making. knitting. He says that’s nice. I’m fine with that.

But when he makes something and shows it to me, Eg a trinket box I have to stop what I’m doing, look at it, admire it, talk about all the other things he’s made which really are just the same, but this one is very slightly different. He wants me to see all the different bits and would like me to pick it up and feel it and say how lovely this feels. But this is still not enough for him!!!

would you feel different if it was less one sided?

You are forgetting that this is what is expected of support-humans. 😂

I hope he gets lots of praise from everyone when he shows any interest in what you do.

I think it'd be fine for him to expect you to show an interest - if he did. Since he doesn't, he's being a cheeky bugger.

Just out of interest, who is it that considers him 'an intellectual'? I have never heard anyone seriously use that term in real life. I associate it with Sartre or Foucault poncing around, or with people whose agents push them to call themselves 'public intellectuals' rather than 'jobbing academics on a money-making gig'.