My sister won’t make time to see my son, but I was there for hers?

[Tollyphono]

I’ve got 3 sisters, one with a child and two with dogs (who they think are substitute children)

When my sister had her son, I visited 2-3 times a week, accompanied her to baby events, toddler classes and shared in her delight at being a first time mum. I helped organise and attend birthday parties and never expected that she wouldn’t do the same for me when I had my son, and struggled with PND after my ds was born.

During the time I was supporting my sister, my elder sister went AWOL and showed up “when her ds became interesting” (he’s now 11) and she showers him with gifts and money to play one upmanship that I refuse to compete with.

My other sister is only interested in her dog and whenever I try and talk about my DS, she switches the conversation to her dog and tries to compare the two 🤷‍♀️

AIBU to be really pissed off that none of my sisters have shown any interest in seeing my son, never commenting on pics and updates I post about him on family groups and the sister with DS never made the effort to come to any classes, join in on birthdays and never calls or shows any interest in him.

it really pisses me off and surely neither of them are being kind?

Its annoying and upsetting that they are not being the sisters you were hoping for but what are you going to do, you can't make people give a shit. So you are left with either being annoyed and upset or thinking fuck them and getting on with your life

You all sound a little bit too full on and a wee bit toxic to be honest.

Visiting so often and going to baby classes was a lot. You can't expect that.

Birthdays, yes that's sad they won't be there. Maybe they feel you haven't made an effort if you're refusing to compete/participate? It sounds a bit toxic and full of resentment.

Don't knock her talking about her dog if that's what she has to share. It's quite controlling.

How do you bothhave tume for all this?

The sisters who don't like babies, don't like babies. I barely subjected myself to baby classes with my first, and certainly didn't bother with my second. They are generally crap and pretty pointless for the babies too. Is your sister with a child not at work if her son is 11?

So it was my sister who wanted me there 2-3 times a week and I came over because she wanted/ needed the support. I’m not saying I want her to commit the same amount of time, but when it was new to me, I wanted her there with me and she wasn’t bothered about reciprocating with not even one occasion.

I do listen to their dog talk, but when I say my son did XYZ today, a dog sister will say “oh my dog did this” (are we not allowed to talk about my ds achieving anything) 😂

Have you all reached adulthood yet?

You sound suffocating. Not everyone is interested in children and babies. Some people prefer dogs. Or cats. Or donkeys.

It's very different doing things when you don't have the complication of your own child to also look after. It was so much harder going to toddler classes with #2 or #3 than #1. #1 was fun. #2/3 meant trying to watch the older ones more than enjoying the class.

In all the classes I did, the only times aunties came along was either if they were staying as a one off or if they were bringing one child while Mum looked after the others. So I wouldn't feel that she was doing anything wrong by not going.

Did your sister ask you to accompany her to all the baby sessions and visit so often, because your level of involvement isn't normal (at least not in my circles!)

I can understand you going along with her if she was lacking in confidence, but otherwise you may have just come across overbearing and it's not surprising she hasn't extended the same level of attention back to you.

No none of us are adults and if a conversation is one sided all the time (let’s always talk about the dogs), that’s not healthy is it?

Sorry I took so long to type that, I didn't see you'd already answered my questions!

Yes she did ask me and also asked me to take the afternoon off work to go on some baby event/ class with her.
Its not like I was knocking on her door begging to go round in the slightest. She asked, I agreed and it was always to keep her company when her husband went out.

like I say, I’m not expecting anywhere near the same in return but if I do have something to celebrate or share, I thinks it’s a shame she’s not bothered about showing the slightest interest given how much she leant on me when she needed me.

None of you are adults but one of you has an 11 year old 🤔

That would be annoying I get it. Unfortunately no one is as interested in your child than you. My sisters are the same tbh.

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YANBU, of course. Especially your sister who has a child and went through it should be able to empathise and show up for you and your child.
'It takes a village' but sadly many of us are left rather isolated as soon as we become mums.

I get it, I am in the same position. I babysat multiple times for my sister from the off with her children, including multiple overnights so she could get away, happy to do so, helped when she had no 2 taking a week off work to help after her husband went back to work etc at her request. I was even lured to her house at 37 weeks pregnant for a surprise baby shower under the pretence of babysitting overnight - no questions asked I just said of course.

In 8 years she has looked after my children once, I appreciate she has her children to accommodate but a little bit of what I did for her would be appreciated.

My advice - let it go, you can't change it, you won't change it, accept it and you will be happier. Don't be as helpful, available for them in the future.

Thanks - I do like these threads, the different opinions help to put perspective on things that annoy me.
I’m at the stage of thinking “oh fuck it” and moving on but that of course starts a new toxic conversation 🙈😂 #cannotwin

I think you would be unreasonable to expect someone that already has kids to be around to help any where near as much as you did when you were childless. Having kids means you have a pretty much 24/7 prior commitment, it really limits how much you could offer in this sort of situation.

But YANBU to be hurt that they seem disinterested.

I would dial back on the photo's etc. Not because I don't think you should share them but you are just setting yourself to feel hurt when they don't show any interest.

I think it's fine to feel hurt- but I also don't see what you can do about it. Perhaps just see a little less of them if they make you feel crappy? Only you can weigh up the pro's and con's.

Speaking from experience, just because someone has had children before you, it doesn't mean they'll necessarily empathise with what you're going through. If their personality is that way inclined, then yes but if they haven't shown that so far I wouldn't expect anything from them anymore. You're better off spending more time with others that respect you and make you feel happy.

A quote I read a while ago and it helps me put things into perspective when I'm in situations like yours. I'll probably misquote it badly, it's something like. You can't change people so don't drive yourself crazy trying. Instead, just change how you deal with them.

I hear you.
I was very involved with my nieces when they were small, at my sister's request. I looked after them quite a lot and used to get up with them in the mornings so she could have a lie in (like 5am, regularly).
I remember saying I am sure she would do the same for me when I have children and she looked at me with a surprised expression and said she would be busy with her own children and wouldn't be doing the same! She wasn't wrong!
To be fair, she does show an interest in my child but it's nowhere near the same level of interest as I've shown her dc. It is what it is.