Asked questions gaslighting!?

[jeallybellybean]

Hi,
Am I being unreasonable?
I had a shower before my fella got home tonight, before I made tea.
I normally don't like to do this as I don't like to smell of food.
But tonight I was cold after being sat in a car for an hour. I needed a shower. I wanted to have a shower before we had tea at 7pm so I could have an earlier chilled night, but the whole time I wondered if my fella would question why I have done this. Is this wrong to think this way in the first place?

He came home and the first thing he said was, have you had a shower? I said yes. He said that's not like you to have a shower before tea. You normally don't like to smell of food. I said I know but I just wanted to shower earlier than usual, I had cooked in my comfies / pjs for the past three nights and you haven't said anything. I had a shower before tea on Friday when we were home together and you didn't say anything.
He seemed to have "a face on". There seemed to be a tone from him. I felt something was "off". He said it's just unlike you.

He then said how long until tea. I said fifteen mins. He said he was going to have a shower then.

I felt like I had been questioned. It was only two questions, but I felt like I had to explain myself to him. It didn't feel right.

He's now sulking in our bedroom about it. Annoyed with me for saying to the children I am cross because I just said to the kids that I am annoyed because I felt I had to explain myself to him about having a shower before tea. It didn't feel right.

He said he only asked two questions. I was the one who was getting all suspicious.

I stated that it irks me when I get questioned about simple things like a shower. I was in a controlling relationship for five years before this one (been in this relationship for five years now) and it just raises alarm bells. Not saying he is like my ex, but it just triggers something in me to feel defensive.

Sorry for ranting and rambling. Just felt gaslighted.

It seems like he was just making conversation and your defensive response made him feel a bit attacked. He shouldn't be sulking in the bedroom though - that's childish.

Why are you involving your children in your disagreements with your partner?

My son asked why was he asking about you going in the shower? He over heard him ask me.
My fella has cheated on me and now doesn't trust me. He had his moody look on his face. Can't explain it.

He thinks I am having an affair. He sometimes records my conversations with the children.

I asked him why he had sulked off the our bedroom and he said, why am I not allowed to?

Ring womens aid from a safe place. Leave. Keep your kids safe.

Are you having an affair?
Because if you're not, he's quite possibly an insecure and controlling arsehole.

Well that makes a difference!

Before that I would've thought it was normal conversation.

But obviously history changes this.

I just feel defensive a lot and then act out of character. I feel defensive because I feel like I will be questioned if I am slightly late home, or like today have a shower earlier.
Wouldn't surprise me if he is cheating on me again.

Nope, not gaslighting.

Not sure what's going on but not gaslighting.

My XH would have asked that sort of question. He’s jealous and controlling. It won’t get better.

The shower is the least of your worries. The recording your conversations and cheating are what you should be focusing on. He doesn’t sound much better than your ex tbh

He's definitely jealous and controlling.

If other guys talk to me he gets really annoyed and says I must encourage it as it doesn't happen to others.

Recording your conversations?
Awful, awful behaviour.

He suspects you're having an affair, so you need to wash away the evidence.

I think he's projecting.

Your being defensive because you are carrying it over from your previous abusive relationship.

However you then added that this new partner has cheated on you and records your conversations with the children, which I cant help but wonder why are you still with him?

You wouldalso benefit from some sort of counselling or the Freedom project to help you work through things so you don't continue to bring your defensive behaviours into new relationships and it will help you identify abusive behaviour earlier.

And regardless of whether your child asked or not, you never discuss arguments or relationship worries with a child, it's not for them to deal with.

He records your conversations? That’s so wrong. Please do an assertiveness course to enable you to see that his behaviour is awful. Why are you with someone like this? What is it teaching your children about future relationships?

I am financially trapped. Not just my own money - that I would lose immediately and forget about. But my parents money. They want the money secure before I leave. I am trapped and so sad.

im amazed by some of the responses so far… presumably the brigade of people who have actually been in abusive relationships haven’t arrived on this thread yet.

sadly it seems you have again ended up with a bullying and abusive man. Are the children his?

Read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? (In secret - kindle app) Work out how best to survive for now and leave as soon as you possibly can.

I don’t pretend to understand the financial ramifications in terms of your parents - have they put money into a house you co-own? Are they aware of his behaviour?

But the bottom line is that if you’re worrying about his reaction/punishment if you have a shower at a different time to usual, that’s not ok and not “normal”. Him sulking in his room about the response to a question that’s been asked and answered - likewise. I’m sure there’s plenty more you haven’t said. It’s not you - it’s him. Don’t second guess yourself.

One of the hallmarks of abuse is that the perpetrator succeeds in messing with your sense of reality and creating a fog which is very hard to see through - an assertiveness course is not the answer to this. In order to be able to see things more clearly and (hopefully) leave people need to feel seen, supported and understood.

Thanks also to the poster who suggests OP needs a course to let go of her defensiveness - being in a relationship in which you fear taking a shower because of your partner’s reaction definitely means that a problem has been created by your own defensiveness… I do NOT think.

These types of reaction partly explain why so many women spend years twisting themselves in knots trying to figure out ways to improve their partner’s behaviour and their own lives before eventually realising the problem is… drum roll… their partner.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds terrible.

Annoyed with me for saying to the children I am cross because I just said to the kids that I am annoyed because I felt I had to explain myself to him about having a shower before tea. It didn't feel right.

You shouldn’t be involving your children in this though, you can answer your kids question without bringing them into your relationship problems, they need protecting from this. Forget about money, just leave.