Resenting husband for needing to return to work

[Pumpkinspicemadre]

I know the answer is YES you are being unreasonable. I’m looking for peoples experiences with similar and how they pushed through I think.

I am returning to work at the beginning of January from maternity leave and can’t help feeling resentful of my husband who is strongly in favour of this to support our finances (he is a high ish earner and could finance our current lifestyle).

My salary is a drop on the ocean really, finance wise but will mean I am away from my baby 3.5 days a week which I find devastating.

my husband is a kind person (together 9 years, first baby) but is really anxious about money and as we move into an economic crash, who could blame him? My issue is I feel immense rage and resentment towards him as my wonderful Mat leave comes to an end. How do I shake past this? Will this pass? Is it normal?

the loss of being with my baby everyday is overwhelming and I have a pit of anxiety and dread in my stomach almost 24/7.

This will be me in a few months! I keep hinting I don't want to go back and he quite obviously wants me too.. which I obviously also appreciate and understand!
The dread really is real, and I HATE my job, but I love the people I work with, so I'm hoping everything will be absolutely fine after a few days back.

Getting past the resentment for my other half will pass too.. why should he alone be responsible for supporting me and our baby.. he's the very best person in the world, kind, generous, gentle (not to mention attractive!) and i feel extremely lucky to share my life with him.. so I try to ignore the fact he wants me to go back to work rather than stay at home with our baby! 😂

How old is your baby?

I know it feels awful but it is really good to keep your own financial capacity going, even if your H is a high earner.

I felt that way returning to work, it's horrible. I found after a couple of years back it got easier to be at work away from them even if my choice would be to be at home with them. Eventually it got the stage where i felt neutral-positive about being at work about half the time.
I can see the benefits more now in terms of protecting my future employability just in case I was divorced or bereaved.

I was the same. I've never really got over it and do feel it will be one of my great regrets. But it kept a roof over our heads and means I am financially independent and would be if we ever separated.

My baby will be 1 next week, so I know it’s been a wonderful year together.

I also see the real importance of maintaining my own savings / pension / income - it just feels so much less important than being with my baby right now? I know it’s the most sensible option, I really do.

just can’t seem to push past such anger at needed to do it 😞

It is sensible to have two incomes. One it keeps your financial independence and two it is security for your family should something happen with his job.

Being financially able to stand on your two feet and look after your children seems like a big deal to me. I don't think I'd want to put all the pressure on my partner to provide for me and our kids

Why is you anger directed to him if he’s just trying to do the best for your family? Why not anger at the general unfairness of life?

I don't think you should be angry with him.

Be angry with the government and the rising costs of everything in this country. It's not your DHs fault.

You're fortunate to have been able to afford to have a year of leave. Some people cannot afford that.

If you discussed it before DC and he previously agreed to you giving up work YANBU. If not YABU. You already had mat leave, he didn’t get that time off. And you are going back part time. It’s ok for a man not to want to be the sole earner for years.

Have you actually told him how you feel?

Postpone your return to work, if he can finance your current lifestyle then he can’t force you.

Even just by 6-12 months but if you’re not ready you’re not ready

I haven't experienced feeing resentment about going back to work, but I've felt quite bereft both times I've gone back to work (part time) after maternity leave and each time it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd feared (thought worse than the deed and all that).

Also, although I feel I would have chosen (both times) to be a sahm if I could have, overall I think keeping my foot in the door with work has been the best thing for me. It's kept my confidence up in a work environment and I've also kept my career ticking over which I know I'll be glad of when my children are older.

It's hard because it's a lot of pressure on one partner to be the 'breadwinner', I think for it to work they have to be happy to do it, which your dh isn't. Sounds like you're going back part time though, which is at least a bit of a compromise (and more fortunate than some). The dread at going back is normal, I felt it 100%, but like I said, it wasn't as bad as had anticipated and we soon adjusted. Hopefully you'll have a similar experience. Good luck!

I’d say that babies are lovely, toddlers are less so- and actually part time work is the best of both worlds. But advice- don’t do all the childcare related and house stuff when home- he wants equality, make sure he has his domestic duties! Kid is ill and off childcare, he can take the leave.

We have spoken about it and he wants to wait and see after a few months and see how we get on, which I agreed to. I agree with you all, it’s not a case of not seeing this from all sides. I do! But still feel a very primal want / need to stay with my baby and not have them away from me for so long. I know my anger is unfair / misplaced. I am hoping that reading others experiences will help make me not feel so alone in this.

Seriously, if you can manage without your wage, don't go back! I am over 50 and yes it was different in the 70s and 80s, but I hate the way Tony Blair fixed it so that both parents had to work 😪 It should be a choice for mothers, not an expectation.

Why not a choice for fathers?!

I thought you were going to say that your baby was 3 months old. You've had 12 months off!
I'm going back to work in Jan when my baby will be 7 months old!

My DH would choose to work over SAHP. He’s a great dad but he knows full time parenting all day and night wouldn’t work for him. He’s happy to admit his limitations and he has great respect for my ability to parent day in and out - he knows he couldn’t do it and stay patient and energised etc. so it’s not a case that he would opt to not work and to parent full time - I.E switch our roles

Could you go to 2.5 days instead of 3.5?

Sadly not on reducing it even more, my work have only just agreed to this really!

I am still breastfeeding which is adding to the anxiety.

If you took a few years out would you manage to get back into the work place? Will you be posting here in years to come complaining about the lack of decent part time jobs? Much easier to negotiate flexible part time working for a job you are already in. Think beyond the baby and look to how you want your life to be for the next 20 years. Your child/ren will thrive whatever you decide.

I was ‘sent’ back to work, much later he admitted it was the wrong choice - I was more valuable at home.

That must be really tough if it’s not a choice / situation you’re happy with - sending lots of love to you