Feeling uncomfortable but he wasn't in the wrong.

Seaweed42 · 21/11/2022 14:43

What happened to your DH's Dad? Sometimes when a father leaves a family or there is a bereavement when the kids are small then the eldest son is turned into the 'Dad' figure.
The mother may start emotionally relying on that son and making him the head of the house. So if that is the case then the younger brother in a weird way is the 'son' of your DH and his mother. Those are the roles they fell into.

DH's mother probably acts a bit helpless too and leans on DH, is that the case?
She might even be calling on DH to be the Dad to younger brother.
Maybe it's the mother's way to keep DH in her 'family' too.

Might take a while for younger brother to grow up but your DH will have to start seeing the adult in his little brother and stop enabling him to be the baby in the house.

ChicCroissant · 21/11/2022 14:44

Entirely standard, in my experience, for someone with mental health issues to have some kind of crisis when a big event happens to someone else.

I don't think the issue here is about your partner taking her home, but about your BIL being well enough to go out and meet someone. Why was your partner needed if he (BIL) lives with his mother? I would say that your partner needs to spend his time at home with you and the baby. This may well precipitate another crisis, which has to be ignored this time around. Going forward, BIL's expectations need to be managed on how available your partner will be.

Congrats on the baby OP, enjoy those cuddles!

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/11/2022 14:45

Seaweed42 · 21/11/2022 14:43

What happened to your DH's Dad? Sometimes when a father leaves a family or there is a bereavement when the kids are small then the eldest son is turned into the 'Dad' figure.
The mother may start emotionally relying on that son and making him the head of the house. So if that is the case then the younger brother in a weird way is the 'son' of your DH and his mother. Those are the roles they fell into.

DH's mother probably acts a bit helpless too and leans on DH, is that the case?
She might even be calling on DH to be the Dad to younger brother.
Maybe it's the mother's way to keep DH in her 'family' too.

Might take a while for younger brother to grow up but your DH will have to start seeing the adult in his little brother and stop enabling him to be the baby in the house.

As a single parent to 2 boys, I'm really bloody offended by this pile of tripe.

Original poster

Ohffs89 · 21/11/2022 14:48

Thanks for the replies. His dad wasn't really around a lot when they were young so I'm aware my partner feels like a father to him. I try to be understanding but it's difficult when we have the baby together and he's trying to parent his brother as well.

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 21/11/2022 14:57

Your partner needs to prioritise his tiny baby and his partner, not the one night stand partners of his brother. That is deeply inappropriate and no wonder you feel weird about it. I would kick up a huge stink about this. It sounds like his brother is jealous of the attention. Nevertheless he is 24 and having mental health difficulties does not excuse him from behaving with consideration and respect. Your partner is enabling poor behaviour and it needs to stop.

SemperIdem · 21/11/2022 14:59

Does his brother have additional needs? If not this is utterly bizarre behaviour from a 24 year old adult male that everyone seems to be enabling.

Coffeetableposhbooks · 21/11/2022 15:00

TheProvincialLady · 21/11/2022 14:57

Your partner needs to prioritise his tiny baby and his partner, not the one night stand partners of his brother. That is deeply inappropriate and no wonder you feel weird about it. I would kick up a huge stink about this. It sounds like his brother is jealous of the attention. Nevertheless he is 24 and having mental health difficulties does not excuse him from behaving with consideration and respect. Your partner is enabling poor behaviour and it needs to stop.

Good news that’s so over the top it’s disturbing.

Testina · 21/11/2022 15:03

I think you need to stop using phrases like “plays up a bit” about a 24yo!
It’s just playing into the infantilisation.
I’d tell my husband to support a MH crisis all the way… but to have a serious think about why he was giving random women lifts home.

hugefanofcheese · 21/11/2022 15:04

I think your partner needs to start drawing some boundaries. It's one thing to be there to support his brother through a crisis, even if the timing is inopportune re the baby. It's quite another to be ferrying his casual sex partners around.

drkpl · 21/11/2022 15:05

I have a much older sibling with MH issues. YABU. Dealing with MH issues is very draining and takes the whole family to keep the person afloat. They don’t “choose to act up”. The baby bubble thing doesn’t exist, life doesn’t stop just because you have a baby. He’s not going to forget about his brother for a while and then re-connect later.

YANBU for the situation with taking the girl home in the morning - that is not your dp’s responsibility.

TrentCrimm · 21/11/2022 15:06

I feel that if he is old enough to bring home a one night stand then he is old enough to sort out the next morning

Why didn't she get herself home? Presumably if she's old enough to have a one night stand, she can sort it out herself the next morning. Why does anyone have to be the Knight in Shining Armour?

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2022 16:26

My partner had to give this woman a lift home the next day.

No, he didn't 'have' to, he chose to. And IMHO he WAS in the wrong if he made you feel 'uncomfortable' in your feelings about it. Not because of some random 'baby bubble', but because it's just a weird thing to do in the first place.

Why on earth did he feel he 'had' to? I'm seriously interested as to his reasonings. If little bro managed to get this woman to the house, he could jolly well see that she got home himself. If little bro wanted to be sure she got home safe he could have called her an Uber or taxi, or gotten her on a bus or the train. In no realm of 'reasonableness' would I ever have thought to call a sibling to take my ONS home. And this doesn't even address the issue of bringing a ONS back to one's mother's home.

It's one thing to support someone in their recovery from a MH crisis. But this situation has nothing to do with that.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 21/11/2022 16:30

Seaweed42 · 21/11/2022 14:43

What happened to your DH's Dad? Sometimes when a father leaves a family or there is a bereavement when the kids are small then the eldest son is turned into the 'Dad' figure.
The mother may start emotionally relying on that son and making him the head of the house. So if that is the case then the younger brother in a weird way is the 'son' of your DH and his mother. Those are the roles they fell into.

DH's mother probably acts a bit helpless too and leans on DH, is that the case?
She might even be calling on DH to be the Dad to younger brother.
Maybe it's the mother's way to keep DH in her 'family' too.

Might take a while for younger brother to grow up but your DH will have to start seeing the adult in his little brother and stop enabling him to be the baby in the house.

Creative writing topic is that way >>

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2022 16:31

adding:

I can't imagine having a ONS (if I was into that sort of thing) with some bloke and the next morning, not only do I see/hear his mother in the house, but he calls his brother to take me home! What an awkward situation that must have been for her! I'm cringing for that poor girl.

Georgeskitchen · 21/11/2022 17:01

Brother is taking the piss.

Has he never heard of taxis?
Tell.DP he needs to put you and DC first

ThirtyThreeTrees · 21/11/2022 17:31

You do know that this is batshit crazy, right?

A grown man & woman have a ONS & can't find a way home other than ringing your husband?!

Come on, there's helping family out & there's insanity.

You are also starting to partake in this. He'a a 24 year old man. Acting up is how ou describe a small child. If you explain what really happened, youmight get more help.

misssunshine4040 · 21/11/2022 20:23

Seaweed42 · 21/11/2022 14:43

What happened to your DH's Dad? Sometimes when a father leaves a family or there is a bereavement when the kids are small then the eldest son is turned into the 'Dad' figure.
The mother may start emotionally relying on that son and making him the head of the house. So if that is the case then the younger brother in a weird way is the 'son' of your DH and his mother. Those are the roles they fell into.

DH's mother probably acts a bit helpless too and leans on DH, is that the case?
She might even be calling on DH to be the Dad to younger brother.
Maybe it's the mother's way to keep DH in her 'family' too.

Might take a while for younger brother to grow up but your DH will have to start seeing the adult in his little brother and stop enabling him to be the baby in the house.

Yuck! What an offensive assumption!
No doubt a million miles off the mark.

Mammyloveswine · 21/11/2022 20:57

Eh? Why did he even know about the one night stand? Presumably he lives with you and baby?!

How did he end up giving her a lift home? Why didn't she get a taxi?!

Every ONS I had in my single days i either got a taxi or the guy dropped me home!

Id have DIED if his brother was called from his family to give me a lift home!