To feel cheated that my pregnancies/births were so difficult?

[MetalGuru11]

Some people just breeze through conception, pregnancy and birth. It literally seems so easy for some in comparison to others. One of my friends literally sneezes babies out then returns to normal pretty quick. Another friend is just sailing through pregnancy with no symptoms, no problems at all.

I had so many worries and complications in my pregnancies and birth traumas. Plus pnd. So much distressing stuff happened that I now associate pregnancies with negative experiences. And part of me feels cheated or that I did something wrong (when I know I didn't). My children are now 4 and 1 and it still bothers me, I still feel traumatised.

Is it normal to feel a bit cheated by this or aibu?

I think it depends what you wanted from it, but you're not wrong for feeling any way you do.

Im in the sneeze out babies category. Honestly, I hate that I can't talk to people about it because ' that's not what real birth is like '. So you might have felt the same even if it was easy.

@DancingRabbit I was just thinking that. One day, when I feel better about it all, I feel that I could help other women who have experienced similar difficulties.

My pregnancy were all different, my 2 girls were bigger but easier than my 2 boys. Boys pregnancy were also harder but boys slept better straight away, and now all 4 totally different in personality, size and looks. PND with 1 boy and 1 girl

Lost weight quicker after girls also

Hugs to you OP. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s fine to be sad that you didn’t have the experience you hoped for.

Lots of women do have those experiences, and it’s wonderful for them.

I feel the same as you. Just to make it clear, I know how lucky I am to have 2 healthy children. But both my DC were born prematurely (32 and 33 weeks) so taken straight from me at birth to NICU. DD in 2015 and DS in 2020. I always thought I’d have a baby and then be sitting in the hospital bed straight after birth, cuddling my baby. Unfortunately that never happened with either of them. I didn’t get to hold DD for a few days, and didn’t get to even see DS for a few days due to covid restrictions. Even though that was 2 years ago, writing that here makes me tearful. The 2 miscarriages in between my DC were terrible too. I do think of myself as lucky, even with all the trauma of 2 miscarriages, 2 premature babies, and PND the first time too. But I found myself jealous and upset when a friend found conception, pregnancy and birth straightforward. It brought up raw emotions in me.

We are allowed to feel sad that we didn’t get the experience we hoped for. You didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes it’s just down to luck 💗 xx

YANBU.

Try not to judge your own feelings.

You've been through a lot and you're allowed to feel however you like about it.

There is always someone better off, there is always someone worse off. It's ok to feel envious but don't let it consume you.

It's understandable that you are disappointed with your experiences, but 'cheated' is an odd way of putting it. Did someone mislead you?

I felt a bit like this but it faded after the second got out of the baby stage. Unfortunately with a baby people keep mentioning their births or asking about yours. Once you age out of that stage and you have children but no babies you think a lot less about the birth.

You just have to accept it and get on with life.

I sailed through pregnancy and then got the shock of my life when my DS was born with lots of health issues and never came home from hospital until 2 months old. Nearly 18 now but lifelong surgery. I didnt feel cheated I just accepted that was his story, but it felt refreshing having my daughter without complications and was able to bring her straight home.

That's not how trauma and PND work.

I think that being pregnant is being glorified. A lot of women feel a bit (or a lot) shit during pregnancy. Bloat, nausea, stomach acid, ligament pains, feeling vulnerable and hormonal and stuff like that. And so much anxiety, everyone I know was shitting themselves just before the 12 week scan. I was happy to be expecting a baby but it was very uncomfortable. I ended up with an EMCS which to some people seems an easy out (it isn't, and certainly not after 4 days of induction) but I was being cut open while wondering if the baby would survive.

Oh and the exhaustion of a newborn while my partner refused to help made me depressed.

I had an early stillborn before her and physically can't have another and people still go on that despite of that she should have a sibling (like how?).

I absolutely love my DD, but getting pregnant, staying pregnant and getting her out was by no means easy. Worth it, but not easy. I still think about it a lot

I had multiple rounds of IVF, an emergency cervical stitch, 8 weeks of not being allowed to leave bed, my waters broke at 28 weeks and I stayed in hospital until an emergency c-section at 29 weeks. I wasn't allowed to see my baby for 8 days as I got covid in hospital and she was in NICU for 2 months. I hated being pregrant, giving birth and everything about it. I try not to feel sad about it though, I have a healthy daughter and I'm not owed anything from the world in terms of a pregnancy or birth. These are just things I would like, i have no real right to them. (To be honest, I sometimes do feel sory for myself and I'm terrified about trying again).

I don't think it's wrong to feel like this. I feel the same.

My first pregnancy was plagued with problems and ended with the premature delivery and death of my twins, and sepsis for me. Second pregnancy was terrifying and I ended up needing CBT for anxiety during it and counselling after it. Ended up with an emergency section after reduced movements. Third pregnancy I'm only 15 weeks in and so far has been non-stop nausea and an emergency cervical stitch.

I am envious of people that get pregnant and 9 months later have a baby. And yes I do feel cheated. Because that's what my previous experience of other's pregnancies was. My mum and sisters sailed through pregnancy and they said I would be the same. Yes they moan about sickness or heartburn or back pain. But literally nothing on the scale of what I went through in my first pregnancy.

I'm not trying to compare experiences or say anyome has more of a right to feel bad about it. More to say you're not the only one and its definitely OK to say it. And it's OK to need help with it. Does your hospital do a birth debrief service? They would probably still be able to do this for your 1 year old. There is also the Birth Trauma Association that may be of help.

I had whole pregnancy hyperemesis with all 3 of my DC. I look at pregnant women who glow and look so healthy think how lovely it would have been to actually have enjoyed and been excited during pregnancy instead of being a dehydrated, miserable skeletal husk. I honestly did not enjoy one second of it and was just praying for it to end. The one positive I took away was that I am quite brave and physically tough.

YANBU for feeling cheated - but talking to someone about it might help? I have PTSD due to something else and my therapist actually helped me process my pregnancies too, she was pretty direct that an ordeal is an ordeal and it will have an impact, whatever your take on it.

It sounds like you have a lot of trauma associated with pregnancy and childbirth - which is understandable. I'd focus on getting help to process those feelings rather than being resentful of the sneezers!
I hated being pregnant (awful sickness and debilitating back/hip pain) and the newborn phase, and I'm still considering doing it again... my daughter was simply worth the crappy times. You had two kids, so you clearly did a similar calculation!

YANBU to feel the way you feel. But, as I am sure you know, it's not productive to measure yourself against others', perceived, perfect experiences. Objectively, some will have had it better, others will have had it worse, and comparison really is the theif of joy. I do think if you feel yourself thinking about this is a lot, or it making you feel down, you should seek some help dealing with those feelings as they aren't really logical and won't do you any favours. You can't change what has happened, but you can influence how that experience impacts your happiness going forward.

Gosh hugs to you ladies. I have had 2 difficult pregnancies/ first very traumatic birth with life long injuries and poorly baby, 2nd highly medicalised birth but thankfully better managed. I think unless someone has had a bad pregnancy or birth they will just NOT understand.

the difference between how I felt after number 1 (very poorly for months) and number 2 (only required 4 days hospital stay) was unbelievable. And I still wasn’t in the ‘sneeze it out’ category for number 2. But I blew my mind how much better I felt. People WILL NOT understand unless they’ve been there.

All my pregnancies were horrible , Horrendous morning sickness , I couldn’t even drink water it had to be iced and just take small sips at a time, on and off heavy bleeding , with DD2 I thought I lost her due to the amount of blood and clots I passed ,
the worst was Brushing teeth and showering, they felt like chores and I had to mentally prepare myself 😫.
So no you were not cheated , some usually have it worse than others ,

Honestly I think a lot of people go into pregnancy with wildly unrealistic romantasised view and then are upset that pregnancy is not pretty but the truth is... its not pretty for ANYONE.

No one has the perfect 'just sneeze and a baby pops out' pregnancy and birth because it doesnt exist.

Lots of people just dont moan about it and dwell on it, as long as you all survived then life goes on as normal.

I say that as someone who went through a journey of primary infertility, a preemie, hospital stays, a clinical obstetric heammorage, secondary infertility, a MMC, IVF, antipartum heamorraging, high risk pregnancy, induction, NICU, a child with disabilities/SEN, severe SPD, morning sickness and a child born with hypothermic. Two of my kids litrally died after birth but luckily could be revived (one had to revived over a dozen times).

But in real life I don't babble on about any of it because no one likes people talking about the horrors of pregnancy and birth plus its the past and we survived and life goes on.

If you where to ask people who know me many would would say I had easy pregnancies (they aren't doctors with access to my notes, they werent sat by me through the night when I was rushed in heamorraging again and again etc...) and sprung back super quick (I lose weight instantly and dont see the point of hiding at home for 6 weeks etc...) because thats what THEY see but it not the reality of the shit Ive been through.

Please understand this isn't me trying to be unkind , but you are being very unreasonable and almost childlike. I had three hideous pregnancies and two awful labour's so it's not that I don't understand. But don't they say comparison is the thief of joy? Life isn't fair. It never has been. People go through terrible pregnancies and loose their children. Try and reframe the way you look at it. No your pregnancies and labour's were difficult but look at your lovely healthy children.
It could be much worse. Believing you've been robbed keeps u in some weird victim like mental state.
You weren't robbed of anything, simply you experienced tough pregnancies.

I think it depends on what you expected from it. I had a bad birth 10 years ago with lots of stitches and an emergency hysterectomy shortly after. My pregnancy was a little worrying too and despite having my cervix stitched, I went into labour early. I wouldn't have another baby if I could but I don't feel particularly traumatised by it.

My friend had a scheduled c-section because her first born was breach 8 years ago. She still feels upset about it. She had spent her pregnancy working on hynobirthing and saw giving birth as something empowering. She felt deflated and like a failure because it wasn't what she expected.

I didn't say, I went into it expecting it to be ugly and painful. I was already planning to take whatever drugs they offered.

@mam0918 you're not wrong. If you and baby/babies survive pregnancy and birth then yes, that's the ultimate aim. However saying 'lots of people just don't moan about it and dwell on it' really underestimates the suffering from post trauma and mental health problems that follow.

People not talking about pregnancy difficulties and birth trauma doesn't mean that's the right way to be.

@KitchenSupper I've been thinking about what you said and you're absolutely right.

As my youngest is 1, I'm still in the baby stage I guess. So it's quite recent still.

Also I'm 35 and my friends of similar ages are still having babies so those conversations still come up and I find it triggering. I wonder if time will be a healer and as we move into our 40s and so on, they'll be less baby talk and triggers.