Family in-laws etiquette, AIBU

[Nopainnogain20]

I am not from the UK so new to family relations and cultures but observed such difference in the family dynamics in other British friends/ colleagues so unsure if AIBU to feel annoyed and what I should do.

Before the pandemic, we used to meet in person, 2-3 times/ a year so did exchange gifts/ cards. I had my 2nd one during pandemic so held his 1st birthday as a family get together, everyone came.
However, it's been 1.5 years since and my kids have received no Christmas or birthday cards/ gifts. Whilst I continue to make sure that nieces and nephews had lovely gifts for all occasions (£30 each per occasion). Despite Amazon deliveries showed handed to recipients and over 15 times, I haven't got a text message from SILs to say thank you for the gift Or a photo of them playing with the new 🎁. Nothing, no communication whatsoever. The reason I had to source Amazon for gifts was last Christmas, SIL said we'd meet for kids to receive gifts in person but 8 months later we had to drop them off at MILs, so all birthday pressies have been sourced from Amazon for ease of delivery.

But one thing that hurt me the most is that my children (at similar age ranges to nieces/ nephews) were not invited to their birthday parties hold at the village hall (which we only found out from MIL when she declined our dinner invitation), not once but several times. Maybe SIL thinks we lives 3 hrs away but we have been all over the country with Merlin passes so travelling should not be an issue and it'd be nice to be invited.

Husband was surprised that I got upset about those things. He told me growing up he wasn't invited to any of his cousin's birthday so he didn't think it's a big deal.

I am growing up being very close to my aunt and cousins, they are like my 2nd family. We spent 3 month summer holiday playing with each other (2 school terms per year so slightly different here), and we still talk and share our gossips on monthly basis even we live in different countries and time zone.
My English friends and colleagues have told me about going on holiday (summer, Christmas) with siblings so the toddlers can spend more time together, and of course they go to each other birthday parties.

Thanks for bearing with me and my grammar.
if it's strange that they don't reciprocate, do I still continue gift giving or how should I ask them (without confronting). I'd cut my loss if it's social relationship but they are husband's nieces and nephews so don't want the hurts.

I never went to cousins birthday parties either, even ones that lived in the same city never mind 3 hours away.

The not thanking for gifts is a bit rude though, so I'd probably stop sending them.

Stop sending gifts and do not bother with them. There. Sorted!

To receive gifts (Amazon cards & vouchers) without a thank you is rude and not accepted behaviour anywhere. How hard is it to make a quick or send a text. I agree with other posters, stop sending the gifts, it's upsetting you. It if matter so much to your husband, he can do it.

The parties and get togethers are a difficult, I personally wouldn't travel 3 hours for a cousins party in a church hall but everyone is different. As your MIL knows you are upset at not being invited, perhaps she can remind the extended family to invite you.

I would stop sending gifts, they didnt even say thank you!
My husband's brother didn't thank us for his Christmas present last year so he didn't get a birthday card or present from us 🙂

Invitations to cousins’ birthday parties are not a given and get less common when families are further apart and as the birthday child gets older.

Some families do a lot more by way of extended family gatherings than others. Your DH’s family seems to be one who doesn’t do much and most of them seem to like that since it sounds like it dropped off after COVID lowered expectations.

I think many people in Britain are moving towards a families of choice/found family model for extended gatherings and support that is a bit more insular and, perhaps, a bit more self-serving. But it’s a social change that isn’t well bedded in yet, so plenty of opportunity for disappointment and hurt feelings if you’re expecting something else.

The not thanking you for the presents is rude, though. And I think the not reciprocating or at least telling you they’d prefer not to swap presents is pretty rude, but if they haven’t done it for a year you should just take the hint and stop sending any.

Absolutely stop sending gifts to them.

They've made it clear they're not that interested in your family.

concentrate on your own family.

This sounds like my SIL. I think she just prefers her own family and large friendship group. After 13 years I’ve stopped being hurt by it, but in the early years I spent ages thinking I’d done something wrong.

Why are you doing all the running? Surely your DH can source gifts for his nephews/nieces?
you seem to be making a rod for your own back, especially when they clearly don’t appreciate it.

it’s unlikely you’re going to replicate the close family you experienced with your in-laws. Also I wonder if your aunt was your mother’s sister? Often maternal relationships facilitated by the mother are closer.
MITs unrealistic to expect that with people who you don’t really have anything in common with

Some families just don't socialise together, which is sad but it's the way they are. So it's not personal that your children aren't invited as clearly that's your DH's family culture.

As for the gifts - well unanswered letters answer themselves so simply stop sending them.

Don't fall into the trap of 'wife-working' your DH's family. That is remembering birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas etc. Especially if his family has a distant relationships. Let your DH drive the relationship if he wants to. I know this often means things don't get done. But otherwise your pushing uphill with no gratitude from anyone.

Your DH has told you that’s just not how things are done in his family when it comes to party invitations. It’s just different to what you are used to. There is no need to be hurt over it.

I can understand why you’re sad at the lack of exchanging gifts for the children because it is a nice thing to do. You can’t force them to want to do things your way though and it’s not something you can reasonably confront them over. I think you just have to accept them as they are.

I am sadden by the lack of interactions between small kids in the big family (e.g. my kids not being invited to their kids's big birthday parties at village halls, no overhead cost, just a bit of food). Given that I am on my own in the UK, so my children don't have cousins from my side of family to bond with.

So I stopped buying birthday gift for one of teenage niece, following your advice and that we got MIL's hints of disappointment I guess.
When I joined the family, I was given full family members' birthday dates. When husband got nothing for his 40th, I decided not to buy his BILs' birthday gift and left thhe gift buying for adult to my husband ! Of course he forgot. MIL had a word with my husband how his brother got terribly hurt by that :). We ignored the remarks, but husband said he didn't want children to suffer any disagreement adults got so I tried to keep up with all the nieces and nephews.
If I leave gift buying to husband, kids won't get any.

Just drop the rope.

Your SIL is not interested and your MIL doesnt want to encourage a relationship.
Leave it with your DH and let them have no gifts.

Thank you everyone for your wise words, really appreciate them. I don't have many mixed couples friends around to help navigate culture differences I kept wondering what I did wrongly to upset any of them. Or In-laws simply don't like me, but expecting gifts, have and no problems attending any special occasions we've hosted.
I need to get thick skin and don't feel guilty or notice any further remarks this years when more nieces/ nephews don't get theirs

DD is the first grandchild on both sides. She has 6 cousins to 3 uncles on DH’s side. They all
live 4-5 hours away from us.

None if them (including DH’s parents) has bought her anything since she was 2. Not a card or a gift or an ice cream when visiting. Took us a couple of years to realise and stop bothering. DH never wanted to ask why, so we haven’t, but he now manages the relationship with his family. DD and he visit maybe once a year and I’ll go with every 3-4 years. (We went every 6 weeks when DD was small and spent a small fortune on hotels.)

I grew up 200 miles from grandparents and cousins so the concept of seeing them all the time is very alien to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They don't deserve you
Just focus on your DH and children, make friends locally. Let him deal with any fallout.

Are you sure they knew the gifts were from you if they were delivered from Amazon?

(I might be clutching at straws, because I can’t think of any other reason they couldn’t at least say thank you)

I have always ticked "This is a gift" plus write down our messages and saying they come from us. Amazon sometimes split the package but let you know when check you so I include message and from for individual items.
We got gifts from Amazon from my family living abroad so I know the package includes a note with our printed message and name

*at check out. ✔️