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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Silent treatment

17 replies

kirah4 · 20/11/2022 22:21

DH is giving me the silent treatment and I can't decide if I was out of order or if he's being an asshole.

I've just got back from a 3 day work trip abroad. I'm exhausted. DH was solo parenting our 5yo while I was gone. I came home to a messy house, DH says most nights he hasn't eaten anything because he didn't want to cook for himself. No laundry was done. So I've spent the weekend cleaning and washing clothes, I'm absolutely worn out and I'm grumpy.

Tonight, DH asked me why I don't seem very happy. I told him it feels like I've came back and it's back to normal, I'm getting no time to myself and I'm spending every waking moment with things to do and think about. Get DD ready for school, make sure everyone has clean clothes and full bellies, make sure DD is bathed and in bed at a reasonable time. It was like this before I went away and its gone straight back to normal on my return and its just a bit tough, to go from a work trip where I felt like a respected professional with lots of time to socialise with my peers or just chill, back to this.

So after I said that, he went into the kitchen and started to clean. When I asked if he is okay he told me to leave him alone, so I did. He's had a shower and now he's in the TV room with the door shut and hasn't spoken to me or acknowledged me since.

I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with this. I don't think I've been unreasonable but maybe I have? I don't know. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here, I just have nobody else to talk to.

OP posts:

MsPolly · 20/11/2022 22:33

I think YABU as I'm assuming you weren't working 24/7 so have just had some time to yourself whilst your husbands been at home solo parenting.

MsPolly · 20/11/2022 22:37

Sorry pressed post to soon!

From personal experience I find being in a work environment more of a break than having the kids as you get time to yourself, you can eat lunch in peace etc

The whole 'oh I didn't eat' from husband is very woe is me though! If he was hungry he could've cooked himself something simple or even got a takeaway! And silent treatment is pretty childish. If he has a problem he can discuss with you

Foolsandtheirmoney · 20/11/2022 22:40

If this is your 'normal' why did you think it would be any different on your return? Did you have a conversation before you left about things changing?

actualnamechange · 20/11/2022 22:42

DH is giving me the silent treatment and I can't decide if I was out of order or if he's being an asshole.

He is being emotionally abusive. Use that information as you wish.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/11/2022 22:43

Hmmm well silent treatment is childish and manipulative, so he’s being VU there.

I also don’t think it’s on that you came home to a complete tip, and things have been allowed to slide utterly whilst you were away, so that you have to do all of that on your weekend.

On the other hand I don’t know that you expressed it terribly well, as I don’t think it’s the contrast between away and at home that’s something to be annoyed about as such, but the fact he didn’t move things forward in the normal way. Saying he didn’t eat would also annoy me.

StaceySolomonSwash · 20/11/2022 22:45

Silent treatment is abuse.

cavily1806 · 20/11/2022 22:47

I can't stand silent treatment so big hugs OP! Unfort I think he's feeling hard done by about "doing everything" (as he sees it) then you coming home and complaining. Can I suggest that from now on when you're both home, you don't ask him to do a job but give him a choice? DP, would you like to cook dinner or bath DD for example. It's less argumentative and tends to get results here as there's no choice ti not do one of those things...

girlmom21 · 20/11/2022 22:50

Have you both spoken about how you found the different routines, properly?

He's clearly expressed he didn't eat evening meals.
Was he still working and then juggling childcare?

What's the balance normally like?

Toomanysleepycats · 20/11/2022 22:54

I guess if the situation had been reversed would he have come home to a clean house?

If yes, then I don’t think YABU. Why do so many men seem to think they are only capable of looking after children OR keeping a house clean OR cooking?

Your mistake was to set to and start cleaning the house.

My Dd says at work she sometimes thinks to herself “how would a man do this” if she’s not sure how to word an email etc.

You should have got in, sat on your backside and moaned about how very tired you are after single handedly saving your company’s arse, sniffed about the state of the house and taken yourself to bed. Because you are worth it!

tootiredtospeak · 20/11/2022 23:03

Oh shit really 3 days away with no child and you come back and start complaining. Unless you have a very very stressful job your being unreasonable.

Ginger1982 · 20/11/2022 23:03

YNBU re the silent treatment but YABU to moan that you've had no time to yourself since you've been home when you've been away socialising and chilling for 3 days whilst he has parented alone.

actualnamechange · 20/11/2022 23:05

tootiredtospeak · 20/11/2022 23:03

Oh shit really 3 days away with no child and you come back and start complaining. Unless you have a very very stressful job your being unreasonable.

I would complain too if I came back to a messy house.

Merryoldgoat · 20/11/2022 23:10

I think it depends on what the usual situation is tbh.

I have two kids who are hard work and we both work full time.

With a person down there’s no way the house would be in a decent state.

Silent treatment is obviously bad but is he actually stonewalling you or is he hurt and needing a bit of space?

If my husband got back after three days of parent free time and moaned I’d be fucking livid to be honest.

actualnamechange · 20/11/2022 23:16

Merryoldgoat · 20/11/2022 23:10

I think it depends on what the usual situation is tbh.

I have two kids who are hard work and we both work full time.

With a person down there’s no way the house would be in a decent state.

Silent treatment is obviously bad but is he actually stonewalling you or is he hurt and needing a bit of space?

If my husband got back after three days of parent free time and moaned I’d be fucking livid to be honest.

There was one child. A 5 year old. That does not prevent anyone doing the washing.

actualnamechange · 20/11/2022 23:16

Posted too soon

The OP does it all, and he does fuck all. That didn't change when she was away, he just waited for her to get back to clean up. Fuck that.

Topgub · 20/11/2022 23:18

Well it's obvious isn't it?

You didn't fall to your knees and lavish praise on him for doing the bare fucking minimum he could get away with

No medal? No trophy?

Instead you had the temerity to point out how shit he is?

ChocolateCakeYum · 20/11/2022 23:21

I’d be a bit hacked off if he’d left the house in a mess for you to clean up once you got home. Why couldn’t he have done one washing or tidied up a bit?

Also:

DH says most nights he hasn't eaten anything because he didn't want to cook for himself.

Um what?

This is just ridiculous. He’s incapable of simple cooking foods? Making a sandwich? Ordering a take out? Preparing food when he feeds the children?

You realise he’s manipulating you right?

Weaponised incompetence often gets bandied about far too much but your husband is the literal definition of it.

Also also silent treatment is childish and manipulative.

I’m not sure how you can bring yourself to find someone like that attractive. If that was my oh I’d be having words.

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