To be driven mad by my 10 and 13 yr old constant bickering

[TorviShieldMaiden]

13 yr old ds and 10 yr old dd. They are driving me bonkers. It’s like they can’t be in the same atmosphere without winding each other up.

Its ruining any time spent together (co-parent, so just me against them!).

For full info, dd is autistic. Ds has often implied that she gets away with stuff, but I’ve tried to explain her needs.

Is this normal sibling behaviour for this age?

Same here. Wanna swap your 13yo for my 11yo?

It's AWFUL. 13& 11 here.

Co parent, as in you and their father alternate having them? If so why don't you take it in turns having one at a time? Might be a happier atmosphere for all then - they get special one-on-one time and can't be winding each other up.

14 and 10 here and I nearly left them in Ikea yesterday and drove home without them. It is constant. It's like taking a couple of toddlers out, they were less trouble when they were little. And that's without their behaviour at home. I'm so close to sending one of them to live in the shed.

I've been incredibly lucky that mine (12,15,16) have never bickered or fought at all, despite the older two sharing a room. We must be very unusual as I remember my sister and I were awful as were DH and his brother and sister. I wish I knew the secret so I could share it, but I'm pretty sure it's just luck!

13 and 11 here too. Yes to the comparison to toddlers and its over the same sort of irrational shit - he looked at me, she's sitting in my seat, I wanted that biscuit, he's breathing too loud, she exists

I use a combination of methods. Firstly, I ignore them for a large chunk of the time because they need to learn to negotiate situations involving people who irritate them as well as how not to irritate people (obviously I step in if either of them crosses the line). The other thing I do is to heap on the praise when they're getting along- is this lovely, I do like it when we're all getting along, that was kind of you to <whatever they did>, etc. I try to make sure they each get time apart and that they have access to their own space to escape each other, I also make sure they each gets some one to one time with me and with DH. And lastly I engineer time together too - family meals, card games, helping me with jobs, walks, etc so that they carry on having opportunities to practice getting along.

I do sometimes joke that I'll tie them together until they figure out how to get along.

Glad I’m not alone! It is the pointlessness of the arguments. Dinner time is a nightmare, with claims of breathing on food, eating noisily, using cutlery wrong…ARGH!

They do each get some time alone with me, I make sure of that. Chasing one at a time all the time would be tricky for me in terms of work, as I have to go away for work, and would struggle with childcare. But I could look at it for some weeks. I also think they do need to learn to exist around each other.

I had a longish car journey with them recently and wanted to dump them both on the side of the road!

I do try and leave them to resolve, but it does seem to quickly escalate into hitting and kicking and throwing stuff (dd is not as able to manage her frustrations).

I've got an 8yo who has ASD and 5yo who's chatty and well, 5. Boy! They don't usually eat breakfast in the same room and I've resorted to audio books on wireless headphones for eldest for even 20 mins journey so dd2 can sing along to the radio or do the same joke for the 5000th time without dd1 exploding.

Mine are being awful. I am seriously considerinfg sending one of the two to live with their dad as they are fibne one on one but the two together is just so wearing. We can't even have short family outings together.

Same here but 10 and 8 don’t see their father so no option of sending them anywhere 😏

13 and 10 here too. So glad I read this. Literally cannot be in the same room, every time we go and where I want to leave them there. Separately they are lovely together a nightmare.

I know this is an old thread but this is my scenario apart from I have 2 girls (my youngest has ASD). It makes me so sad they don't get on but they are just so competitive with each other and are constantly sniping. I can never win because whenever one feels there has been an injustice towards them, if I don't automatically tell the other one off, they say I'm taking their side. This means one of them always feels badly done to and I can't win. It's exhausting!!

Same. 9 and 10 yr old.

9 yr old is ASD and 10 yr old is so bloody mean to him - and literally doesn't give a shit that he has ASD..will then say I favour him over her.

At a loss how to fix it!