To suddenly want to return to England

[Brightgirldeadtown]

Mid 40’s now, I’ve lived abroad since my 20’s and travelled lots. Now properly settled with Dh and Dd etc.
I've recently been hit with an overwhelming urge to return to my hometown to live..my family don’t even live there now, Dh’s do, but that’s not necessarily a good thing 🙈some old friends but doubt we’d be close nowadays.
Is this a mid life crisis thing? I keep getting upset randomly in the middle of the day thinking about my *Old life. I also have a strange sadness about Dd not experiencing the same upbringing… should I return? Has anyone else done this?

I wouldn't. England is going to hell in a handbasket.

I think you need to stop thinking of your old life and your childhood and instead consider if a new life in that town would suit you now, and if it would offer your children a better childhood then they have now.

The UK has changed so much in the last 20 years. Some things are better (less overt racism for a start) but some are sadly much much worse (security, NHS, schools). So don't wish for the past, but by all means make a serious assessment of what the UK has to offer you now

I suspect that the place you're missing only exists in your memories and in your head. Things change, people move on. You might take a liking to the new version, or it could just make you sad that what you're longing for isn't an option ever.

(I've been there as a expat, the places I miss - still miss! - don't exist in reality anymore but how I wish they did).

Is there a way you can take a longish trip to the UK? I found that a 3 month trip to the UK filled all my desires for trips to Primark, M&S and John Lewis, fresh raspberries, and decent tea bags, but by the end I was raring to get back to the other country I've lived in for the last 11 years.

But also definitely agree with the previous poster: look at what the UK would offer for you and your family now. What is it really like in your hometown 20 years later, and would you actually have the life you're imagining?

You know that saying (and book) "You can never go home"?

You can't, because it isn't the place you remember (and possibly never was, as nostalgia is never accurate). Your daughter wouldn't have the same upbringing as you because its 2022 not 1982 or 92 (or whenever you were the age she is).

💐

What do you think your DD is missing out on where you live now? What can she do there that she couldn’t do here?

I’m from another country and love living in London which is the antithesis of where I’m from and the type of childhood I had. I know my DCs would have had a different life in my home country but they get far more here to stimulate their interests and in terms of opportunities.

Are you missing the time or the place?

Well that depends on where you are now? Yanbu but if deep down you know that your dd is happy where she is I wouldn’t make any rash decisions. Perhaps try to find something to distract you for a while and see how you feel further down the road

Do you visit the UK regularly OP? Nostalgia makes us remember certain things in a very poignant way and I think if you're going to decide what to do, you need to know if what you're missing still exists. So what is it exactly that you miss?

If you've been away from the UK for 20 years you might find that things aren't quite as you remember, but being homesick isn't wrong and returning might be right for you. I assume your DD has never lived here, so bear in mind that your nostalgia is yours alone. She is growing up somewhere else and will have her own happy, childhood memories where you live now, because for her, where you are now is home. But why not come back for a visit? Preferably soon, in the middle of winter, because if you still feel nostalgic about grey, cold, dark Britain then maybe you should move back. Coming back in high summer is never a good approximation of what it is to live here!

Don’t come back, it’s shit. Wish we’d never returned.

I’m dealing with this with DH at the moment.
The England he’s thinking of is in his head. It’s not real.
Being an ‘expat’ has its challenges and difficulties for sure. One is a lack of belonging and transitions as friends move on to a new country.
Enjoy what you have. If you really want to move back do a lot of research about costs.

Visit for a holiday. You'll see it's not like the picture inside your head. But sometimes we need to get shit out of our system.

I get it. And also agree with pps.
I've been in Italy since 1994 but am lucky enough to work in the UK in the summer for 2 months each year. I own my childhood home now in a different part of the UK to where I go to work and also visit London regularly because I bloody love it, and the town where DD is a student.
And I do sometimes think about going back. But where would I go?
My childhood town? My university town? Where I lived between university and coming here? Where I work in the summer? London? DD's university town? I love them all in different ways and enjoy every second I spend in each of them.

But ultimately, as the saying goes, the past is (quite literally) a different country. And if I went to one of the places in my "present" it wouldn't be those special 2 months I look forward to, but become just part of my ordinary life.

Interestingly, I know DD won't come back to Italy. She couldn't wait to get to "civilisation" as opposed to living here in the arse end of nowhere.

Sounds like the taking stock of a life, finding some things wanting and realising that some things can never be (aka midlife crisis).

How happy and fuflilled are you? Are there things you could change or do to improve where you're at - geographically but more psychologically and emotionally - right now, rather than throw a hand grenade? Do you need to start putting yourself a bit more, for example? Or maybe think about how to transition to and find purpose in the next phase of your life?

putting yourself first*

You’ll get a lot of posters telling you ‘it’s shit’ etc as standard on mn but of course some people live in bad areas, but not everyone does.

It’s hard to know what you should do without more information. What do you miss and what would you gain back if you moved?

I don't think it's about bad areas, at all. It's a much bigger thing than that, and the sentiment applies to the whole country.

Are you only a UK citizen OP? Do you have another nationality? If you're UK only, there can be big downsides to leaving wherever you are...you might not be able to go back again

You can’t say everyone feels that way. I don’t and the op may not either.

I don’t really see it off mn either.

Same situation as you. Moved back to my home town in the UK. Worst decision I ever made. You have nostalgia, but you are chasing something that doesnt exist, just an idea which seems comforting when things are overwhelming.

I think you are just having a nostalgic 5 minutes, lots of people get the ‘oh I want my children to have the upbringing I did’ thing. It will pass, you are settled where you are and their childhood would be different to yours regardless.

I'm mid 40's lived overseas for 15ish years. I totally get how you are feeling. I've always missed home but in the.last few years it's a physical yearning. I miss everything about my home town. I honestly have considered leaving my husband and kids to move home.

Well most of the world is a shit show at the moment. A US friend of mine who has visited but never lived in the UK in her life is getting her passport (her mum was English) and moving here, because she says the US is a worse shit show IHO.

The UK is in the grip of a government supported by people in thrall to the past and as such we are going down the tubes. It would be better for your DD to go somewhere which looks forward in a positive fashion. I think in a few years the UK will regain its senses and then you can look again.

As someone who also lives abroad I totally get that nostalgia - every time I go back for a visit I have the conversation with DH about whether I'd like to go back, whether we ever will etc etc. I love visiting and I love that we can, but I think you have to remember that the past really is another country. You can no more give you DCs your childhood by going back than people who have never moved from the UK can give their DCs the same childhood they had. Life moves on - wherever you live. You can't go back you can only go forward. Focus on what your DD is experiencing and relish what makes her childhood special. We are actually very British in our own home - lots of tea and Radio 4, Sunday roasts and Christmas on the 25th (rather than the 24th) - I like to think we hang on to the best bits and take the best bits of our adopted culture. The best of both worlds. My DS is currently at university in the UK - he sometimes feels slightly foreign, but is adamant that he loves the fact he a foot both cultures (French and English in our case).

House prices are through the roof (although they’ll come back down), NHS is on its knees, the government couldn’t organise a piss up in a brewery, schools are overcrowded, difficult see a GP or an NHS dentist, Road works everywhere, pot holes everywhere, Freddos cost £5, it hasn’t stopped raining since 2005 and the queen is dead.

But in all seriousness😂… the grass isn’t always greener OP. If I was in your position the only thing that would be a deal breaker for me would be family. I’d want to be close to my parents.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons of life in the UK and life where you currently are. It’s not just your decision, it would need to be a family decision.

Come for a holiday for a couple of weeks. Come a do normal stuff. Find an air BnB not a hotel, so you can do a big food shop and hire a car and just do normal everyday things. See if it’s what you imagined it to be.