To ask for good memories of your parents

[Willowrose63]

What things about your parents that made/ make you feel the most loved? I feel quite overwhelmed by all the information available on parenting online, books etc.

Replying because this question really started me thinking :)
I had quite a shitty upbringing. I have no good childhood memories involving my mum.
My dad was an alcoholic...they divorced when I was 10 and he died when I was 18, didn't have much contact in between. But, I do have a few nice memories with him from when I was young.
When we were on holiday by the sea and we went for an early morning walk to the beach together...just chatting, looking at pebbles, listening to the waves. Also, walks in the park...him teaching me the names of trees. The smell of autumn/fallen leaves always makes me think of him.
So, nothing special/expensive/exciting, just his attention, sharing things he enjoyed with me ..that really stuck :)

Being listened to

Taking an interest in things I liked/was interested in (even if they probably couldn’t care less!)

Growing from a child to an adult knowing I was loved and supported by them. I think being secure in that was a big part of what developed my confidence and my self worth.

Parents interacting and playing with us as young children. Being tucked in at night. My mum bringing me up a hot drink in bed while I was reading. Being looked after when I came down with the usual childhood illnesses.

When my dad was silly. When he tried to make me laugh. He got told off at a water park in Spain once, in the early 90s, because his swim shorts had slowed him down on a slide and he stopped right at the end - he stood up on the slide, made eye contact with me, and did the “running man” and I howled with laughter. A lifeguard blew his whistle at him, and he looked at me and gave me a “whoops I got in trouble” look, which only made me laugh harder, and it’s one of my favourite memories of him. He died when i was 20 but I love that memory of him being so silly.

Being raised by my single parent mum who was herself raised in care - I used to envy my friends lives growing up but I had :
1.a birthday party every year (good)

1. She would get herself into debt,break the law to make sure I had a good Christmas (not so good)

3.showered me with affection, even now she never says goodbye with 'i love you more ' and tells me she is proud of me (good)

1. Never pushed or pressured me to do well at school. She was unable to set down boundaries - I was a good kid, but I needed pushing (not so good)

I adore her more and more each day. She used the tools she was given , I think she did great.

To add to this, because I think I slightly misunderstood the question;
the things that made me know I was loved were -

• a warm, clean house that I felt safe in. I came home from school and felt instantly relaxed when I walked through the door because it was calm.
• being encouraged to go on to higher education, being told that I was capable of great things
• how well I was looked after when I was ill, the concern on my Mum’s face whenever I said I felt poorly
• knowing my Mum would always answer the phone. She still answers on the second / third ring now!
• Mum cuddling me and DB at bedtime and reading us a bedtime story. She did that for years, every night, without fail.

My mum died when I was 23 and my dad when I was 34, and the. I lost my only sibling last year. I am really worrying about losing memories so I’ve actually started writing them down in a kind of bullet journal. Some of mine are:

• coming to wake me up for school after she’d pegged the washing out in a spring morning and sliding her cold hands under the covers.
• her home baked bread and pizza. And her home made bramble jelly.
• her awful singing.
• family holidays in Greece. We only ever had the cheapest rooms, and ate Laughing Cow cheese on bread from the bakery for lunch but those holidays give me such lovely memories.
• going to watch my dad finish marathons.
• the day my dad played the most gigantic fart joke on us.
• helping out on in the garden.
• them just turning up to cheer us on at school sports days, swimming galas, school orchestra or school plays.

Being told (often) that I was loved, and that nothing I could ever do would stop that. Being told (often) that I was clever, kind, lovely etc.

Actions, that I appreciate now much more I am grown. For example, although we weren't rich, we always had dinners cooked, clean clothes, little treats etc. Of course couldn't comprehend at the time how much effort all of this was, but really appreciate now I have children of my own.

Always having time for me, and seeming to want to spend time with me - talking about feelings, doing art and craft, going to the park, playing rough and tumble... I think this last one (wanting to spend time with me, and spending lots of time with me) was the biggest one.

My mam calling me "treasure" & thinking I was hilarious & clever.

My dad died 34 years ago ,he was tricky,highly intelligent man . Am so glad that he wrote me a letter the day before he died …it was sent to Sydney and my friends sent it back to me ,I read it the day of his funeral 😢

Just be there for them and mean it. I don’t have any positive memories of my childhood at all, and the fact I was treated like an inconvenience was a massive part of this.

My values and morals all come from my dad. He truly cares about everyone and has always been in the present moment and a proper 'parent' if you like in that if I ever did anything wrong growing up, it was dealt with and we moved on. I was never labelled as bad and basically anything more than a child who had done something wrong. I suppose I grew up knowing I was loved unconditionally even though I was expected to obviously be accountable for my actions. In turn, I never wanted to let my parents down and behaved in a way that I knew they would be proud of. From that I had loads of good memories. I always felt safe and nothing really slowed me down in life. One of my best memories was spending one hour with my dad every day practicing for my 11+ exam. He worked SO hard and such long hours at the time and I had no idea, I just thought that was the one priority of his day because he made it so. It wasn't the most thrilling memory at the time but looking back now, I realise he wasn't much older than I am at the moment with a really, really hard and responsible job but we never ever knew as kids and that makes those memories more special. Another is when I was a couple of marks off of getting into my sixth form. Again, dad to the rescue. He spoke to the senior staff and they agreed to let me appeal the decision and this was then my job to sort out. I decided to write them a letter and it worked meaning I spent the next two years with my friends where I wanted to be rather than having to make new ones elsewhere. It made me sad at the time that not everyone had a parent who would be vigilant enough to intervene with that kind of thing and I've always felt really lucky to have a dad that considered my childhood as important as his own adulthood. He easily could have dismissed a lot of my complaints growing up as something I'd get over or something that didn't matter given my age but he listened to absolutely everything I ever said to him and he ways made sure for as long as I can remember that he only spoke fairly of people. We have the best friendship now I'm an adult and I try my hardest to be the best version of myself so he can see that all of his efforts for me and my sibling to turn out happy and balanced and above all, nice to others have paid off.

My mum stroking my hair as I fell asleep

Thanks for this thread OP,

@Shoopideedoop thanks for sharing that memory with your Dad, your description was really lovely.

Mine are:

1. Prioritising and taking a keen interest in my education
2. Encouraged me to take subjects with a good earning potential. I owe my career and lifestyle to them! If they left me to pursue my “passion” I’d be earning 1/5th of what I make now.
3. making sure I understand the value of money and have a strong financial sense and financial ethics
4. got rid of any interest in keeping up with others, showing off etc. as a result, I buy only what I truly like and want. It’s amusing to watch how much people care about what others have
5. protected me from ruining my life with stupid choices when I was very young by having strong boundaries and accountability
6. keeping an eye on my friendships and making sure I didn’t fall into bad company.

These didn’t seem like “love” growing up. But NOW, I am grateful they protected me so much, shaped my character and career the way they are today.

It's such a big question it is hard to answer in a really meaningful way here, because it's a lifetime of many many small acts (and some big ones).

But I think the main things are care/protection, and just being present and taking an interest. I think children need to feel loved, protected and known by their parents.

My Dad wasn't around, but my Mum (and grandmother) both were. I had a good childhood despite having an absent parent (back in the days when it was less common).

I will always remember my mother for her kindness and always being there to listen to me and my problems, and being supportive. When I was little and got ill, she would make the bed with nice crisp sheets and tuck me in with a hot drink when I was shivery, and gave me magazines to read. Always interested in what I was studying even though she said she didn't understand most of it, but said I was really clever! Giving me a good body image (I think that's really important) and taste in clothes, and the value of buying items that will last rather than cheap stuff on impulse.

Laughing over silly stuff, being taught basic dressmaking, letting me have pets. My grandmother was pretty much a second mother (but more lenient!) and I learned a lot of other things from her. I felt very much loved by both.

Sitting around the table after dinner just talking. We would sit for a good hour drinking wine (from the age of about 15, this is not advisable but it was the 90s so maybe leave that out!) talking about politics, life, school etc

I noticed when my parents were having lunch with me and my kids (DH away) how good they are at praising. I had taken it for granted. We had picked up DD from rock climbing club and DD was so proud to have been seen right up the top. It wasn’t just perfunctory “wow!” and changing the subject. We talked about it on and off through lunch and then when the food arrived and DD said “I’m starving!” my Mum said “I’m not surprised with all the effort you put in this morning!l and DD glowed all over again. I was just pulling out of the hardest sleep-deprived bits of parenting with her younger sister and it really made me revisit how I praise. DH’s family is very different and I think I’d forgotten.

My Dad taught me that it’s an admirable quality as an adult to care about others, to really listen, to be able to laugh at yourself and not to take yourself too seriously.

Weirdly, silence.

I could sit for hours in a room with my Dad and barely say a word. There was a mutual connection that didn’t need them. We would sit and read or do a jigsaw/crossword.

Too many people feel the need to fill the silence with words, tv or music.

I like to be quiet and I miss that about my Dad

I was born into a family full of love.
My parents loved each other and my sister and I unconditionally. I always knew that home was a safe place full of love. When I think back to my childhood now, I have a lovely, warm fuzzy feeling inside. I was a very secure child. My sis and I have tried to do the same for our children too.

Make time for your child, listen to them, hug them often, tell them you love them. Celebrate their highs and support them through their lows. Tell them how proud you are of them. Don't just stop doing this when they are adults, carry on throughout their adult lives too. Let your children know that they have (and will always have) a very special place in your heart.

My OH says he wishes he had had parents like mine.... Sadly, he didn't......

Unconditional love, always. My siblings and I always knew we were adored and how much we were wanted. They took such a genuine interest in us, and were so proud of us. My mum forever did things that would let us know we were always on her mind and she knew would make us happy - think knowing to make our favourite tea after a bad day, buying a book she knew we’d like, sewing and knitting my teddies clothes of their own, helping us throw them tea parties, the list goes on. The way she would tuck us up when we were sick, a bedtime story without fail, how special she made birthdays and Christmas, just like magic really. My dad has the strongest moral compass of anyone I’ve ever met, and was such an unfailingly strong and supportive man. Treating us with trust and respect when we were teenagers. They were never disciplinarians, but we knew standards of behaviour that were expected and we never pushed the boundaries. We wanted to be worthy of them and so tried hard not to let them down (though mistakes of course happen and were dealt with with understanding). They both worked so, so hard but they were never too busy for us. They seemed like they (did?!) genuinely enjoyed our company. My siblings and I are all so close with them and each other, and now that we’re scattered about the country we long for the moments we’re altogether again. I live very close to my parents and the joy we all get from seeing them with my DC is truly so special. So yes… time and love. They’re the things that matter most.

I knew my parents love me so much and would do anything for me. Not in material terms, but in terms of love and support. I think (hope) my kids feel the same way about me.

My mum and Dad were very short of money. They made sure we belonged to a library so we could access books and read. They couldn't help us with our learning but instilled us with a good work ethic.

Despite the lack of money Christmas was very special. Again, not much money spent but making our own advent calendars, two sheets of paper. Draw the inside pictures on one and then align the top page, draw the doors and main picture.

My mum made sure we knew how to cook and budget from an early age.

We lived in a flat but won't to the park every day when it was good enough weather. My Dad taught us the names of trees, animals and about the environment. He was a gardener who was passionate about the outdoors, living in a tiny flat was tough for him.

They were so proud of me and my sister and even when we screwed up they knew we'd come through it and still loved us.

They loved my kids so much, didn't spoil them but were just there for them.
When my Mum and Dad became illl, as much as we could we loved and cared for them

So time, love and sharing personal knowledge, kifeskills etc.

Thank you for this thread OP, it’s lovely.

I had a slightly chaotic childhood with parents who divorced and couldn’t cope that well with the practical stuff. That said, I was truly loved as a child and an adult and my mum was great at the emotional/caring stuff. I remember:

Being really cared for when poorly with treats, drinks in bed etc

Having fun doing dog walks with my dad and playing games like pretending to be a postman!

Feeling special on my birthday and at Christmas

Being supported and encouraged throughout my childhood and adulthood. they were always on my side. I remember my dad calling Warwick uni when they rejected me and I was sad about it! I was mortified at the time of course.

Listening to me and giving good advice as I got older. Both my mum and my dad - my dad especially taught me how to identify men who are users/losers and not worth my time. So valuable!