Friend's dd ignoring my dd in public

[Jennybeans401]

I have a friend who I've known for years. Her dd and my dd are similar ages, her dd has started high school this year (my dd still at primary).

Dd started going to the same club on the weekends as my friends dd which we thought would be great. My friend's dd sometimes spends whole days at our house, dd and her get on so well like sisters.

At the club though dd gets upset because this girl avoids her. She'll say hello but doesn't seem to want to be seen with her, I have noticed this too. My friend is aware of it but says her dd is 'a bit like this these days'.

AIBU to think we should distance ourselves a bit? It's confusing for dd because when we are at home they are close but in public its like strangers.

Unfortunately that happens quite often when one is at secondary and the other still at primary.

Quite normal!

it's obviously because yours is still at junior school.
the other girl doesn't want to be seen hanging out with the little kids, it could damage her street cred.

Sometimes kids get anxious and don't know how to respond when their worlds collide. Does your DF's DD already have friends at the club?

It's not cool to be hanging out with kid from primary school when your in high school. It's not nice but tends to happen. Hopefully once older girl settles in and finds her feet in high school she will be less self conscious

I think this is pretty normal.

Does your DD have other friends at the club?

Inside and outside school friends. It's hard but normal, even siblings pretend they don't know each other in similar situations

"My friend's dd sometimes spends whole days at our house".

Well stop that immediately. FFS.

Ah I hadn't thought about the street cred thing! Yes she's become a bit obsessed with her image and social media so we're probably not cool enough these days!!

The club is new to dd so she doesn't have any friends there yet but the other girl knows a lot of the older children.

Was your friends DD happy with your DD joining her club? Children act differently in different places depending on the situation. She might be feeling awkward with someone she knows well being there.

Yes she was really happy about it but that was before high school. She's really changed how she acts in public towards us since then.

I totally get it and it must be about street cred but dd doesn't really understand and feels upset at it.

So perhaps the other girl isn't comfortable with your dd being there and needing to be friends with her because she doesn't know anyone else?

Yes maybe that's it, dd is quite new so will take time to make friends. Probably best she stays away from the other girl as it makes her uncomfortable

It might not be about street cred. The older girl already has an established group of friends there, it's a difficult age, it's normal to not want to mix friendship groups up.
I'd encourage your dd to make friends there independently.

Dd is starting to make friends there. She's sensitive because she was badly bullied at her old school and had to move to a new one. She's struggling to trust again but I'm sure it'll happen.

I have had this too recently Op and how ever many excuses I read I dont like it and it stinks, I think its rude behaviour and it is very upsetting for the child who is being ignored. I think its an awful cruel way and no excuses should be made.If they are friends outside they should be friends in public.Bloody ridiculous behaviour and in my case the mother thought it was perfectly reasonable for her dd to act like this..I suggest otherwise and after 2/3 episodes fucked the kid and her mother off. We do not treat people like that and I wouldnt want to stand by and play their game and leave my dd hurt and confused. If it helps and you want to dm me I will tell you our sorry tale about this.

Thanks, I've sent a pm.

Yes it's hurtful and very confusing and we've decided, for that reason, just to distance ourselves from this friend. We don't want to fall out over it but it's confusing to dd to be so close to this girl, like family, and then be blanked at this club like they're two strangers.

Having been bullied for a long time at the old school really has done damage to dd self confidence and she really finds it hard to trust people.

Replied to your pm ..make a cuppa before you read its a long one lol

Thank you, I've sent you a message back.

I hope there are better times ahead for us!

It's shitty behaviour - street cred my arse

It would be a shame to distance yourselves. Just explain to your daughter that it is not personal and that these are natural feelings when you go to high school. The older girl is still a child and will not know how to negotiate these feelings yet. The desire to fit in is utterly overwhelming for children at this age.

I'm not with the posters who seem to think it's okay to blank a child in this way just because the other child wants 'to fit in'. What message does that also send to the child who's ignoring the other one. It's okay to treat X like they don't exist but I use them for playdates, hot meals, treats, etc just because it suits me in private.

No, I'm with you OP. No need to argue or have a big conversation about this. Actions speak louder than words. You're right to put some distance between these kids, let the other child speak to yours at the club if she's missing her. I would expect a chat or some acknowledgement of their friendship and at the same time appreciate that this girl has her own friends there. But just avoiding a friend, well it's not a friend is it.

Yes I also agree with the above poster too. A conversation needs to be had between parents and the parents of the older child need to help her to navigate these feelings and help her not to he rude and ignore the younger child. The fear of being mocked is real for the older child, it will take some reassurance for her to deal with that.

I'm wondering if the posters who are saying it's totally unacceptable have had teens yet....or who have never been in that position.