Is my mother in law out of order?

[Mama1209]

So I’ve been feeling very let down by my mother in law for a number of reasons. She has only seen our 7mo baby maybe 7 times and lives a 10min walk away. She is also very close to my husbands ex despite us being together for nearly 10 years. To the point she mentions the ex EVERY time I see or speak to her. Even posts pictures of the ex on social media, but not me or my baby. She is retired but does care for a sick husband and her own MIL. However, her and my FIL are always going out for nights out etc and they have carers come in 3 x a day to help. I put my back out last week and couldn’t walk and had to be off work for a week. This week, me and my baby have tested positive for covid. I had to take her to the hospital last night. My husband told his parents about both instances and she hasn’t even rang or text to wish us well or check on us.

Am I right to feel hurt?

Of course you are not wrong to feel hurt but if you were not close before you had the baby you shouldn't have assumed the baby would bring you together. You can address it with her or you can stew in silence. I'd mention it but I believe life's too short to let resentment fester. If you want her to spend time with baby say so, if you feel let down tell her. Sometimes some miles feel they need to give there dil space to navigate motherhood on their own. You only have to see on mumsnet the abundance of posts where they consider mil is being overbearing. You need to talk to her.

I wouldn’t say we are close, but whenever they need anything I always help. For eg giving them lifts to and from hospital when FIL had apps etc even took time off work at a financial loss to myself to do this and I always call in with the baby before he went in hospital and rang to check on them etc. I guess I just expected the same. I’m not asking for a lot, just a text to check on us or let us know th et are thinking of us.

Why would she ring to see how you are when she had just spoken to her son? He would have had that convo then

Also.... where was he last night for the hosp trip?

Who said she had just spoken to her son?

he stayed at home with our son while I took the baby to the hospital

It’s understandable that you are disappointed she hasn’t seen more of the baby.. but do you actively invite her to? If you don’t, try that.

But if she really isn’t interested, then stop putting yourself out for them and just crack on with your life.

I think you need to manage your expectations. You seem to want lots of attention from her whereas she's obviously not like that. Maybe she's just not that keen on you. Just because you married her son, it doesn't mean she has to treat you like a daughter.

She's just not that interested. Sometimes families are so invested in first families they struggle to accept second families.

It's a shame. But you can't control how she feels about you, you can only control how you react. Lower your expectations and disengage.

Thanks! I just think it wouldn’t hurt to text asking how we are would it?

YANBU she does sound disinterested and that must hurt but likely she won’t change.

maybe try and disengage a bit and leave her to it?

Im sorry OP it hurts even more when our own relatives aren’t that interested in our babies but some people just don’t feel it.

I'm sorry OP but they don't have to care ... but also nor do you. Drop the rope. They want a lift? Sorry, you're at work. Maybe they should call their son or his ex since they're so pally. Tbh, I'd just block her and let DH do all communication. Disengage and tell DH that's what you're doing and why. They're taking advantage of you.

I thought you had:
"My husband told his parents about both instances"
She clearly prefers your DH's ex, but he prefers you, so at the end of the day, it's annoying, but at least it is that way around. I wonder what the ex makes of it, it seems weird, did she and your DH have kids? How does your DH feel about it, I would have thought it would have annoyed him more than you. Does he just not care, or has he reassessed his expectations of his mum?

I think YABU. She doesn't have to check up on you. She probably thinks if you're unwell she's better off leaving you in peace.

7 times in 7 months is once a month. That's not a bad number of visits in anyones book.

@Tansytea that's the big I read hence my post

Op was quick to go back on that...

Once a month is loads she's probably giving you space.
Social media who cares I wouldn't want my baby plastered on social media.

Would you class grandparents checking in on their poorly grandchild “lots of attention”?

He just plays it down if I mention it to be honest

Yes but they have just been in passing so once at a family party, once when we took her shopping, she’s never actually spent any time with her

She cares for a sick husband, and a sick Mother in Law ? Maybe she just has a lot on her plate …

Does your DH and his ex have children?
Sometimes grandparents aren't just that excited second, third, fourth time round.

Yes that’s why I added that bit in as that’s what I’ve been telling myself, but she goes out every weekend etc, even writes on my friends posts but not mine. It’s just so strange to me

Maybe she hasn't texted because she just doesn't do texts. If you want things to change, you have to initiate change. Ring her for a chat, etc. Mind you, I was very close to my son's ex and was very sad when they split but have never mentioned her to his current gf. The fact that your MIL does this is either tone deaf or nasty, depending on her attitude.

Be thankful she has no real intrusion on your time...
And stop being at their disposal.. Leave that to your dh.