After over ten years together…

[ADHDmam]

I've been with my partner for nearly 11 years… we have a DD (6) together (and I have 3 DCs from
previous relationships, 19, 13 and 12), seen each other through a return to formal education and each attending uni as adults… yada yada.

We got engaged in 2019, after 7 years… Its now approaching 4 years of engagement and no signs of any planning, discussions etc about getting married.. (which isn’t necessarily the main issue).

My main issue is that we’ve lived together for nearly 10 years, he previously moved into my long term single tenancy property.. we moved late 2019 and rented a property together… but he keeps his bank stuff, drivers licences and anything to do with work (literally everything) at his parents address…

AIBU to think he should change these things over to our SHARED house?!!

In the grand scheme of things, it means nada I guess.. (we’ve discussed it before). He sees it as a faff on, whereas I see it as something a bit more… like a lack of commitment I guess, especially as he proposed and clearly no intention to follow through with that either? He won’t even switch his death in benefit from his parents over to her daughter (I’m not fussed being named, I share my DIB between my 4 kids - the kids are our priority!).

I’m half of the mind that ‘If it ain’t broke don’t fix it’, but I’m also thinking is there a reason he won’t fully make the switch to living in us after eleven sodding years by having his stuff here?! It’s a faff, but literally nothing that bad or time consuming!?

I have ZERO concerns re him hiding anything at all, so that’s also a none-issue.

Thoughts?

To our* daughter

I think if I were you, l'd sit him down and ask him why. It makes no logical sense at this point so is it inertia (the reason my DH still has AA membership despite thinking they are crap and expensive), or is it something more serious that may need addressing.

What does he say about the wedding when you ask him?

I think just with covid and cost of living, that’s an issue now re wedding - which is fair enough and valid - and a shared concern of mine too.

the main thing is really not even bothering to sit and change a bit of paperwork - hour tops type of stuff..

We have - we do communicate really well generally. He just keeps saying ‘it’s a faff/not important’… 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's odd for a grown man to still have all his legal identification tied to his parents home.

Are you financially dependent on him?

Do you have/need life insurance that provides financial security for you if he dies?

The weirdest part is his death in service financial support would go to his parents and not his daughter & family.

What's his thinking around that?

Not financially dependent, nope. I work full time and also have a second job.

Neither of us has any insurances - bar he has insurance for his car and I have it for my cats.

we both have really stable professional careers with good pensions - I have my children named as my beneficiaries. He won’t even change his from his parents to our daughter - despite we’d been together for 4 years, he chose his parents which is fine. But I’d have thought he named our daughter once born too 🤷🏼‍♀️

I half think he’s just wet behind the ears with this stuff (in a none-patronising way, it’s his choice at the end of the day!) he didn’t even internet bank until I convinced him 3-4 years in. He’s not tech savvy. But I’d have thought he’d look into it perhaps…

I don't think it necessarily means anything - I've been with my DH for 9 years (married for 5) and all my legal documentation is registered to my parents because I've moved house often in the past and can't be bothered with the faff of re-registering everything each time I move.

I think the long engagement is perhaps more of an issue - any reason why you haven't fixed a date and started the actual planning yet?

Check, he may be committing an offence by not changing his driving licence address.

Well I don't know about the rest without checking but the driving licence is definitely illegal. It may invalidate his insurance, in fact that's probably invalid too.

It's a can't be arsed attitude which to me translates to total lack of commitment.

He sounds wishy washy and that's deeply unattractive. He also sounds half-in and half-out, like he isn't fully committed.

The death in service benefit is a deal breaker. How DARE his deliberately not provide for his actual family in the event of an accident. Does he have a reason for prioritising his parents over you/he daughter? Are the abusive, controlling etc? Not that that would make it ok, but you'd have a starting point to address for change.

What’s his reason for making his parents and not his daughter?

*naming (death beneficiary)

Definitely NOT abusive it controlling! He’s (on all other aspects) amazing… genuinely committed.

I love my in-laws -to-be and genuinely no concerns re the fact they’d give it over to our daughter, should anything horrific happen - have a really positive and lovely relationship with them.

I’m thinking it’s as a previous poster stated - pure inertia.

Honestly zero reason to think anything untoward, other than this one thing.

he’s not long in from worK and mentioned his insurance may be invalid/illegal (he drives for a living, community nurse!) so he’s going to change.

he’s also going to change his drs and dentist and to where we live (he currently travels back to his parents area for both - 40 minute drive, as opposed to few mins walk!)… and he’s going to swap his bank details too.

I think the work details will take him longer as I don’t think he generally has time on shift and I don’t think he has the inclination to contact his employer on his days off, but I’ll work on him.

I'm but fussed re his work stuff for my benefit, but I do feel it should be our daughter named!

and re marriage, as previously mentioned, we got engaged mid 2019. The. Covid 2020/2021 and then cost of living - not pressing I guess given everything going on! 😅

Or*

Our daughter was born a year after he started working. He’s just not changed as it involves sending emails and/or telephoning I suspect.. but no excuse really for it to have gone on 6 years.

I amended mine as and when.

Eeek, would like to think he is after nearly 11 years 😵 but yeah, it’s deffo in my head or wouldn’t have posted, eh?