To think my ex is an absolutely shit father!

[Kaylasmum49]

I split with my abusive ex 15 months ago after 20 years. We have 2 dcs together and I have 3 other kids from a previous relationship. My older children grew quite close to him and their kids saw him as granddad.

A few months after we split up he started a relationship with someone that lives about 200 miles away. Our ds is 15 and was recently diagnosed with autism and dyslexia, he also has severe anxiety and social communication difficulties, he loves his dad very much and took the break up really hard. Our 19 year old dd is almost indifferent to whether she sees her dad or not.

my ds needs a lot of extra care which I give to him, his dad sees him 3 times a week for a total of about 10 hours altogether. I recently asked my ex when he would be seeing the dcs on Christmas Day to which he told me that he wouldn’t be as he was going to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and her family in Orkney. My ds was very upset by this, even more so because his dad didn’t even bother discussing this with him. I asked my ex why his girlfriend couldn’t come to spend Christmas with him and he said because she wants to spend it with her mum, so it seems that his priorities lie with his girlfriend of a few months rather than with his children.

I feel incredibly sad for my dcs, especially my ds and I have such anger towards my ex because of this.

Also meant to mention that he has nothing to do with my older dcs and the grandchildren, he was a huge part in their lives for 20 years and now he never sees them at all.

for those of you have voted that I am being unreasonable could you explain why please. Since being with my ex I doubt everything about myself. He completely ruined my self esteem

I think that it is inevitable that as separated parents to older children that you will make different arrangements. It sounds like he sees his son regularly so I don't think he is a shit dad. Your son is 15 not 5. He can understand that his father has a relationship.

I can see why it’s sad, but it doesn’t make him a shit dad. You’re separated. Things will happen separately.

i don’t think it’s good parenting to put your new partner before your child - however when will he see his kids? They can have their own. Christmas Day on the 27th or whatever.

Ime better the dc aren't shielded from Twatness..
Help them accept it really isn't them at fault, that they are great dc and it isn't their fault he isn't great.
My exh was neglectful and abused our dc post divorce.. He fleeced his dm out of 80k and reinvented himself throwing cash at adult dc... He recently died and they got DAD tattoos. Heaven help when the bad memories resurface in the future.

You sound like you're having a tough time. And possibly experiencing some weird emotions with your ex having a new partner even though he is an ex for a reason.

I don't think he's a shit dad. I know it feels it from your perspective and your DS is taking it hard. From your ex's perspective if he is around for Christmas Day then in all likelihood he will see DS for a couple of hours and be on his own for the rest of the time or awkwardly at your place making everyone feel uncomfortable. Between this option and the chance to be with his new partner and her family (and feeling like he is 'wanted' there) makes it a relatively easy choice for him.

I'm not saying which option is right but Christmas is one day. And massively overhyped. How he is with DS on the other 364 days of the year is more important.

It's not unusual to not have huge amounts of contact with grown up step children even if he has been in their lives a long time. People sometimes get along because they need to but often blood is thicker than water so without the connection of your partnership with your ex it's not surprising your older children don't see him much.

Best wishes with your son as it's sounds like he is having a difficult time.

He has an autistic child who wants to see him at Christmas. That should really be enough for most parents to try and make it happen. He a) doesn't want to be with his child at Christmas and b) is putting his wants above his child's. It's OK to judge him.

Your ex sees your 15 year old three times a week so I wouldn't say he's a shit father tbh. It's sad that your DS is upset but maybe they can organise a special day on another day ?

I am so sorry for your son. Sadly your ex is yet another man putting his own needs and wants before his child.

He isn’t a shit dad to me shit dads don’t see their kids 3 times a week. Not all parents see their kids at Xmas and I bet you wouldn’t want him to be at his dads for Xmas instead
of yours anyway?

It's incredibly sad when a parent places their own needs and wants above their children. To simply disappear from your children's lives after 20 years is cruel and selfish.

How seeing your son for 10 hours a week could be deemed 'good' parenting is beyond me.. your 15yr old clearly still needs a lot of support and it's understandable he's finding what he likely experiences as rejection very upsetting. Anger, however, while understandable; serves no purpose here.

I tried for years to encourage my ex to participate in our child's life, after he walked out when she was but 2. He choose to pursue his ''new life'' with the woman with whom he had been having an affair with instead. It has been difficult to watch our child struggle with his apparent disinterest and unwillingness to ever prioritize her. Over a decade later he is now angry and confused why the minimal time she is willing to spend with him is perfunctory at best. You reap what you sow.

The best thing you can do is help your son accept that while his father loves him, these are the limits of what he can offer him. It is best to help a child find acceptance in these things.

Thanks for the replies. He actually is a shit dad besides the not seeing the kids on Christmas. He punched and kicked walls. Speeded up the car in anger when we were all in it amongst many other things over 20 years and now he barely sees his kids, 10 hours a week for his son who his emotionally younger than his years and loves his dad very much!! It’s not enough no matter what anyone says. He has put his girlfriend before our ds on other occasions too but my ds is really upset about Christmas. He cries sometimes because he misses us all being a family.

Sorry I misread it as 10 hours each day, either way that stuff should have been in the op rather than posted later, if he is that bad surely the less he sees them the better then? Why would you want them to see him more if he is aggressive?

I didn’t think it was relevant to the issue I was asking about. He was aggressive and abusive towards me but unfortunately I couldn’t shield the dcs completely from his abuse. I would be happy if my ds didn’t want to see his dad but it’s not about what I want. My ds loves his dad very much and wants to spend time with him.