Silent treatment and delaying divorce… Need support

[OktoberFest]

I’m stuck in the same house whilst divorcing. STBXH ignores me completely. Won’t speak to me or even look at me, even in front of our young primary age children. This has been going on nearly a year.

He will communicate by email but sometimes doesn’t reply or will ignore emails (e.g. about schedule for holidays) for weeks, making it difficult for me to arrange work and make other plans.

As he hasn’t engaged with mediation, responded to letters etc, I have had to start court proceedings. He has so far ignored all court deadlines, causing delay and increasing cost.

In the meantime I am feeling more and more down.

I initiated the divorce after 3 weeks of silent treatment, having been told a was a bad mum and that everything was my fault and that sort of thing.

Because I initiated it, I feel like I have brought this on myself. Maybe I deserve the silent treatment.

Posting here for support and traffic really. But AIBU to think it makes no sense to be ignoring me AND delaying getting things sorted? I just want to feel ok again.

Is there no way you can move out?

What a dreadful situation for you to be in. Is the house/flat in joint or single name?
It does sound like you need to physically separate from him somehow.
Can your solicitor advise?

No unfortunately not. Partly for financial reasons. Partly because we don’t have a custody agreement (because he won’t engage). Partly because the advice I’ve for is to stay or the house will never get sold because he won’t cooperate. I feel trapped…

Could you not state your dates for holidays etc and say if I do not hear from you in 7/10 I will take it you are in agreement ?

Also I think you've had a name change fail.

This sounds extremely difficult and stressful which of course is his intention, I think I would be keeping a very detailed log of everything he does, at the very least it will help you to feel a bit more in control of things.
Ignoring you is an expression of contempt and it's very difficult not to be triggered by this, can you find a strategy in which his refusal to engage works against him?

I’ve tried that but he’ll just walk out on days allocated to him, so it doesn’t really help…Instead I’ve had to make alternative arrangements assuming he won’t be available. But then he responds at the last minute meaning I’m out of pocket and have messed other people around.

How are the solicitors letting this drag on? Doesn’t he have to sign papers within so many weeks? The financial settlement should have been done by now surely?

I think this is about punishing you and making life as hard as possible, which a lot of shithead men do when women wont put up with their crap any longer. You have not done anything wrong - in fact, you have done an amazing thing to stand up for yourself. You are showing your DC how to deal with emotional abuse, and to stand up for yourself. Agree with the PP who says to make your plans and give him a deadline to reply by.

Yes, I think those strategies are what I need. I have been using some - execise, mindfulness, counselling…but its just been going on so long I feel like I’m losing it. You are right though - I think I need some new strategies.

Sounds awful. Sorry I have no advice legally speaking.

Except to say that his behaviour tells you he's a disgusting, immature man child. His treatment of you and your children is proof that you're doing the right thing to leave this pig of a man.

Life's too short. You don't deserve him and vice versa.

Take him out of the loop, sort the childcare out yourself as you’ll have to when you’re separated. If childcare is booked, they go, as they are expected.

it makes no sense to be ignoring me AND delaying getting things sorted
I think his behaviour tells you that he is consumed by the need to punish you, he doesn't mind making life harder for himself as long as it also hurt you

being consumed by the need to punish means that he's unable to come up with a more sophisticated strategy but at the same time it's very difficult to deal with someone who just digs in their heels no matter what.
At the very least give him as little information as possible about what your real strategy is?

Have you spoken to rights of women to see if his current behaviour- failing to care for DC, emotional abuse to you (silent treatment) is enough for an occupation order whilst house is sold/divorce happens

Could you tell him that you’re planning to move out with your kids and then renting out your rooms to pay for it? Is there anywhere you can stay for free/ very low rent? Even an out of season B&B or static caravan park? Or could you buy a mobile home and live on your drive? I know this sounds MAD but the reality is that the divorce could take a while if he’s not engaging in the process and what you may need to do is try to make your life bearable in the meantime. Could you speak to his parents or friends about it and see if they can talk some sense into him. On the other hand surely this tells you, you’ve made the correct decision as he sounds like an utter bastard. And no, you haven’t brought this on yourself, you’re entitled to want to leave an abusive relationship without having your life made a misery.

Was about to say same as @RandomMess - this is psychological abuse and you should be able to get an occupation order. So he has to move out.

If you must stay in the house, could you split the downstairs rooms- so you each have your own space when at home, like put a kitchenette in or something like that (which can then be removed when you come to sell). Or one of you lives upstairs and the other downstairs. In the end though I’d still move out if you can- yes he could make selling the house difficult but he won’t be able to stop it happening eventually and your mental health is more important. Whatever you do, don’t think about changing your mind after this behaviour- it might help things in the short term but it will make his behaviour much worse longer term.

You have my sympathy - I divorced my ex in part over his silent treatments which could last up to two months.

In the year and a half before he moved out we did not communicate at all. I don’t know how I did it but now that I am out the other side (it is 4 years and 7 months since he moved out) life is a lot better.

My strategies were - to get away when I could with or without dc (they were 12, 14 and 16 when ex finally moved out so it was easier for me I know), to focus on work, go to counselling, and regularly talk to some family members who were very supportive (my Dad and my Aunt in particular).

I slept on one of my dc’s bottom bunk and hung a blanket around it which made me feel more secure.

We went to court to settle the finances and I also relied on my solicitor to see me through which she did.

(My divorce didn’t take a year and a half - it took 11 months.)

What a cunt he is

Thank you. This is really helping.

From now on, keep an incident diary. Record the date, time, and a description of what happened, and keep it somewhere safe he can't find it. He isn't doing himself any favours.