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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talking to BiL about his parenting won't make any difference.

37 replies

InterventionBlues · 19/11/2022 10:08

Bil and the mother of his two children split years ago.
He has met and recently married a woman with two older children.
We think his children are neglected or ignored by him.
Is there any way you could ever have any conversation that would change life for the kids for the better. Or should we ignore, keep out?

And if you were a fucked up teen did another relative stepping in ever help in the long run?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2022 15:23

Because there isn't much he can do to make teenagers wash EOW.

Well if he actually gave a shit he would have tried for more than EOW years ago. Wouldn't you fight for more care of DC that clearly need more care? So as much as this is the mother's fault, it's also his. They are both failing these girls.

BadNomad · 19/11/2022 15:37

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2022 15:23

Because there isn't much he can do to make teenagers wash EOW.

Well if he actually gave a shit he would have tried for more than EOW years ago. Wouldn't you fight for more care of DC that clearly need more care? So as much as this is the mother's fault, it's also his. They are both failing these girls.

How will talking to him about his parenting now change the past? It won't. Yes, he should have done more, but it's too late. Which is why I'm wondering why the OP wants to call him out on it now, rather than when it would have made a difference.

MarshaMelrose · 19/11/2022 15:41

If my sister's children smelled and looked neglected, etc, I'd definiteky speak to her about it. But I would not expect my husband to speak to her. Surely this is for your husband to tackle his brother over.

upfucked · 19/11/2022 15:43

InterventionBlues · 19/11/2022 10:32

By neglect I mean both kids smell, even at a big family smart event - clothes, stale sweat & hair. It would normally be flagged if at Primary in a building a pattern, kind of safe guarding.

He sees them every other weekend, pays I understand a generous amount but absolutely wouldn't want the hassle of anymore time. His parents are lovely, he's grown up with decent role models.

Really, we are outsiders so don't necessarily know the full story.

Then you need to make a ss referral. Child protection is everyone’s business.

Dutch1e · 19/11/2022 16:09

This is a really difficult thing to be grappling with, I don't envy your position. Personally I would say something to BIL. Even if it came out a bit bumbling it's better to speak up than stay silent where kids are concerned.

I'd frame it in the context of wanting to help BIL with anything he might be struggling with when it comes to the kids and their mum.

Theunamedcat · 19/11/2022 16:18

Surely at family events he tells them to shower and change? If they are not allowed to at mums house they should jump at the chance of showers at dad's? No? And New clothes he buys them for his house they won't smell right?

Munchousan has been disproved hasn't it?

Original poster
InterventionBlues · 19/11/2022 16:50

I want to shake my Bil, I'm angry that he makes a bare minimum effort with them and we are starting to really see the outcome of that.
Both girls are desperate for his attention, his approval.
It's not up to his ex partner, his new partner, me or granny to fix this. These girls have a massive dad shaped hole in their lives.
I think like all mums, like me, the girls one isn't perfect and has taken decisions that with hindsight weren't always with the best interests of the kids but her marriage was falling apart. My Bil regardless of where the kids sleep or old school gender stereotypes is just as responsible for them.

I don't think either of them have actually put the girls long term happiness ahead of their own.

It makes me very angry because we have teens and have played a positive active role in their friends lives when my niece's are falling apart 100 miles away. So probably quite a lot of guilt.

I think I need to do a lot of listening and just prompt with questions.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/11/2022 16:52

How will talking to him about his parenting now change the past? It won't.

I agree. I don't think there's any point.

The only think I would do is try to be as present in the girls' lives as possible. An unpaid, caring adult is an extremely important thing for teenagers in complicated situations. It can be lifesaving because they have another place, another example, not just their shitty parents. Act like a fairy godmother if there is space to do it.

These poor girls.

Original poster
InterventionBlues · 19/11/2022 16:55

Theunamedcat · 19/11/2022 16:18

Surely at family events he tells them to shower and change? If they are not allowed to at mums house they should jump at the chance of showers at dad's? No? And New clothes he buys them for his house they won't smell right?

Munchousan has been disproved hasn't it?

No, no shower, a toothbrush but no shampoo or conditioner due to sulphites, no anti perspirat/deodorant.....

Crazy, unwashed, Ill fitting clothes out of place. The step children looked amazing so no money or time excuses there.

A kind of weird, wider family acceptance that that branch are hippy soap Dodgers but that doesn't work for teens at state schools and it's been years ...

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 19/11/2022 18:21

This thread’s unbelievable. Can you imagine social services’ or the police’s reaction if they got a call saying two teenagers smell? What planet do some of you live on?

ColonelRhubarbBikini · 19/11/2022 18:27

Are you the same poster who dog sat for the BIL at his recent wedding? Sounds familiar.

Theunamedcat · 19/11/2022 20:09

Shampoo doesn't need to contain sulphates clothes can be washed in soap nuts pit Rock will take care of deodorant

Your bil is just as neglectful

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