Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to think that approx 5 nappies changed by DH in 17 months is not really enough?

21 replies

viggoswife · 30/01/2008 18:54

Well am I?

Today for example DD did a particularly unpleasant one. DH bellowed up the stairs to inform me of this fact. I told him of his recent statement of intent to get more involved on the nappy front, his response? "Well this one REALLY smells so I thought I would start all that tommorrow"

AND

When I asked him if he would allow me a lie in (have had 2 in 17 months )and take DS to school in the near future he replied "Well I would but how the hell do you expect me to get both DC ready and I will also have to take DD with me when I drop DS off wont I?" with this look - ...on his face.

I do that EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! He works weekends but gets 2 - 3 days off during the week so I dont think I am being that unreasonable am I?!

OP posts:

MaeWest · 30/01/2008 18:59

YANBU - he is taking the p*ss

Mercy · 30/01/2008 19:01

Yanbu at all.

Poor you. He sounds a right selfish so and so tbh.

RubySlippers · 30/01/2008 19:02

you know you aren't being unreasonable don't you ...

when he next asks you to change a nappy, pretend you can't hear him and let him get on with it

get a school run rota and a lie-in rota sorted and stick to it

ivykaty44 · 30/01/2008 19:03

I so want to ask is he completly incontenent, seems appropriate for his shyness to nappies

dustbuster · 30/01/2008 19:04

YANBU - you shouldn't have to put up with that, even from Aragorn.

Weegle · 30/01/2008 19:04

YANBU - he's definitely taking the piss. Have you pointed out to him that's exactly what you do day in day out. I think you need to leave the house one morning early when he's got a day off and say "bye, see you about 9pm tonight".

cherryredretrochick · 30/01/2008 19:05

We have a he who smells it changes it rule here.
All least he is seconding your domestic godess status by stating that he can't do what you do.

VVVQV · 30/01/2008 19:06

Why do you allow him to get away with it then?

Original poster

viggoswife · 30/01/2008 19:08

No I know I am not really but he just has this way when I ask him to do something of just being in the middle of something amazingly important and if I complain in general he looks utterly astounded and starts listing all the reasons why he wasnt able to do this or that and I end up feeling like I am being a bit unfair.

I almost am scared to say this but he has never ONCE got up with either of our DC during the night. If I ever say this he starts going on about how he works long hours and has a shit job and how unfair I am being blah blah blah. (He is not in a shit job now though). How do you change something that has been going on so long?

OP posts:

Original poster

viggoswife · 30/01/2008 19:10

lol dustbuster - Why cant all men be like Aragorn? Though I am not sure how much nappy changing he would be doing while fighting the Orcs but somehow I dont think I would mind.

OP posts:

Kimi · 30/01/2008 19:11

You get him to change 5 nappies and you are complaining

No really you need to explain that he helped make the babies and he needs to step up to the play and help you with them. Men can not think of/do two things at the same time though its a proven fact

VVVQV · 30/01/2008 19:11

Ultimatums, threats and shouting.

RubySlippers · 30/01/2008 19:11

you start by changing things step by step and bit by bit

rotas are brilliant for this, as it is in black and white

he may work long hours, but so do you!

does he ever look after them on his own?

Original poster

viggoswife · 30/01/2008 19:16

He does look after them on his own occasionally and then collapses exhausted on the sofa the second I come back. On the two lie ins I had I got up and he had literally just sat and played with them, not dressed, or washed or anything - though he did give them breakfast - so it was just a case of the work being deferred for a couple of hours until I got up. It would be no good to do a rota he just would not do it. I feel sometimes that I just have to accept how it is or just be endlessly arguing. He is quite selfish and lazy I suppose.

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 30/01/2008 19:18

he would have to do it, if you didn't pick his slack up though

you have to start somewhere IMO

can you sit and talk calmly to him about how his behaviour makes you feel?

Original poster

viggoswife · 30/01/2008 19:23

I do but it is just a row every time or he promises to do a bit more and then just doesnt. I know I sound abit defeatist but I have been trying this for 6 years and nothing ever changes. I cant leave things re the DC to him and hope he will pick up the slack because he wouldnt and that wouldnt be fair on them. I have tried in the past not doing his washing etc so he ran out of clothes and not cooking for him but it just doesnt bother him. What would you do?

OP posts:

RubySlippers · 30/01/2008 19:36

i had something similar with DH - not as extreme by any means, but there wasn;t an equal split between household tasks (we both work FT)

We drew up a rota, talked through things (preceded by a lot of shouting) and i told him how upsetting i found it that i was shouldering a burden that should be shared - i don't love cleaning toilets etc so whilst he doesn't want to do it, it doesn't mean that he shouldn't, or just leave me to it

you need to tell him every time he breaks his promises to you, it really upsets you

time for upfront honesty IMO

MargeSimpsonMyAlterEgo · 30/01/2008 19:36

Er - at the risk of being shouted at by lots of people, I think you have to face it that your DH is not keen on the idea of doing "womens jobs". So, you could give him "manly" things to do. Shopping (ie hunter gatherer) or paying for someone to help you (send your laundry/ironing out or get a cleaner in and make him pay the bills for example). Many men can't get over the fact that if they help out around the house/DCs they are somehow demeaning themselves...

itsahardknocklife · 30/01/2008 19:37

I never change nappies . My other half is a SAHD and he does it everytime.

luckylady74 · 30/01/2008 19:45

Go away somewhere without them- pretend it's a can't get out of party/friend having bad time if necessary then make it a regular thing. Start taking your fair share by any means necessary- get a gym membership with a creche facility, or hire a cleaner. If you really can't change him and you want to keep him then change what you do because you feel walked all over by the sound of it.

rookiemater · 30/01/2008 20:00

Lucylady speaks a lot of sense. I took a tip from the great Xenia many threads ago and take equal time away from DS.

Admittedly this sometimes involves me sitting in the library, wandering aimlessly round the shops and other random activities, but it is the only way that partners/husbands actually learn parenting skills.

Also I know its not ideal that when you did have your 2 lie ins he didn't tidy up but he did the main things which was to feed the kids and play with them. ATM you feel exhausted because you do everything for the kids and he feels incompetent and overworked because he can't or won't. So perhaps you could build up so he gets your DS ready and takes him to school whilst you look after DD and once he has done that a few times then he can do both. Because for sure you can't continue as you are so you need to try something different.

Flip