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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what was the reason you broke up?

27 replies

morningglorystorye · 19/11/2022 04:09

Spouse, ex partner or even someone you dated causally.

Mine were:

Long distance, London and Chicago. Too difficult for us to have any normal kind of relationship.

A break whilst I went travelling at 22, met someone amazing, had a summer fling. Ex wanted to get back together (he knew everything) but I couldn’t be with someone when I knew it was possible to love someone more.

My first boyfriend I realised he could never want/love me like I did him.

OP posts:
Shouldbesleeping1 · 19/11/2022 05:34

My various relationships have ended in the following ways:

  • I went to university and neither of us wanted to be in a long term relationship
  • he cheated on me
  • I cheated on him
  • terrible sex
  • I didn't fancy him

I've been with DH for 12 years and he makes me very happy. He's a keeper (so long as he feels the same back!)

ChangingStates · 19/11/2022 06:10

these were my longer term ones

  1. I realised we were a bit like an old married couple and was only in my early 20s, wanted to be free and single
  2. My mum died (I was still young) I went off the rails a bit, partied lots and ended it
  3. Just wasn’t working out, wanted different things from life
  4. He had an emotional affair, was a controlling arse, we were both making each other unhappy - divorced
georgarina · 19/11/2022 06:18

He decided he wanted to be free after LO was born. Spent half the time with us, half in a big house with his friends.

Everyone talked to me about how I cold entice him to do more.

I said fuck that and ended it.

MrsToothyBitch · 19/11/2022 06:19

Mine are:

  • 1st BF as a teen; I was going to uni and wanted a clean break. I actually wasn't too far away but he had become a clingy nightmare and I knew we weren't meant to be forever.
  • Uni bf/ 1st serious one; I could see that we would want different things in life in the future and it was problematic as we were serious. I loved him very, very much and doing that broke my heart but I couldn't go on when I knew.
  • Uni acquaintance/ Mr Rebound; Didn't find him or his lifestyle attractive once I got to really know him. Plus it was probably rebound driven.
  • Fling 1 the shady one; Stopped pursuing it when I realised I had done all the heavy lifting with initiating meet ups for a month or two and decided I was worth more and wasn't going to beg.
  • Fling 2 the manic one; We moved further apart and it wasn't practical. Thank god for that as looking back he was unstable.
  • 2nd serious one; Frustration at failure to progress; I moved my life forward and he made no moves to get more serious. He was jealous and quite selfish and would never put "us" first vs self interest; neither of us wanted to fix it when it fell apart.
  • Fling 3 the game player; Got fed up of the game playing and v quickly realised I really didn't feel physically safe due to the size and strength of him after a "playful" spank left me with a tingling bum for 3 days amongst other things. Luckily we were never properly together so I went LC, whittled contact right down and then blocked him.
AceofPentacles · 19/11/2022 06:21
  1. He was gay
  2. DV
  3. Alcoholic
I'm still with the 4th
Watchthesunrise · 19/11/2022 06:36

A selection from various LT relationships (6+ months):

  1. He liked me too much and became annoying (13)
  2. He was gay and admitted he loved our mutual friend Tom (14)
  3. He was kind of a dweeb (14)
  4. He was utterly lovely but he moved away to a different city with his parents (17)
  5. He became insufferable when he started law school (18)
  6. We got engaged then I quickly realised I was way too young to get married and settle down (22)
  7. He wasn't a good communicator or settle-down material despite being hot and a lot of fun. We continued to shag for quite a few years but only when convenient (23 to 26).
  8. I met him while living abroad. I moved home to my home country and he didn't chase me so I figured he just wasn't that into me. I loved him and was broken hearted that my feelings weren't reciprocated (26).
Chomolungma · 19/11/2022 06:46

First boyfriend - we broke up when he went to uni (he was a year older than me), but got back together in the Christmas holidays. Then broke up when I went to uni.

Second boyfriend - it was a very on/off relationship but eventually I met someone else and finished it (yes there was a brief overlap 😳).

Third boyfriend - he dumped me.

I've been with DH since I was 22 so this was all in my late teens / early 20s.

userxx · 19/11/2022 06:48

AceofPentacles · 19/11/2022 06:21

  1. He was gay
  2. DV
  3. Alcoholic
I'm still with the 4th

Wow! That's pretty unlucky!

Simonjt · 19/11/2022 06:49
  1. One of us would have to give up something that was essentially not negotiable to stay together
  2. We just weren’t very suited and I couldn’t see myself with him longterm
KangarooKenny · 19/11/2022 06:50

I’ve only had one boyfriend before I met my DH.
I went out with him because I was 16 and never been kissed, so felt like I needed a boyfriend. He pursued me relentlessly, was immature, then I met my DH-to -be and it was over.
I found it hard to shake him off, he kept turning up at my house, DM got rid of him in the end !

Athrawes · 19/11/2022 06:56

Oh the loves...

First serious - should never have gone on so long, we both slept with other people, eventually stopped when the girl in our threesome became his wife...!

The one I loved - he had bad war based PTSD, I was young, he was older, oh how I loved him...he went back to wars.

Rebound from The One - decided he'd make a go of it with his wife after all. That didn't last.

Another serious - after 4 years it became apparent that he loved his job more than me. He regretted that.

After him - a serious psycho, police etc.

ExDH - I was so lonely and got back with The One, who it turned out, 25 years later, still had attachment trauma issues.

Current DP is lovely. So lovely. Let's see if I fuck this one up too.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/11/2022 06:58

1st LTR - we were engaged and long distance and he suddenly ghosted me after 4 years together

2nd LTR - he got bored and cheated

3rd LTR - he liked me more than I liked him so I could never fully commit

waitingindepartures · 19/11/2022 07:13

Athrawes · 19/11/2022 06:56

Oh the loves...

First serious - should never have gone on so long, we both slept with other people, eventually stopped when the girl in our threesome became his wife...!

The one I loved - he had bad war based PTSD, I was young, he was older, oh how I loved him...he went back to wars.

Rebound from The One - decided he'd make a go of it with his wife after all. That didn't last.

Another serious - after 4 years it became apparent that he loved his job more than me. He regretted that.

After him - a serious psycho, police etc.

ExDH - I was so lonely and got back with The One, who it turned out, 25 years later, still had attachment trauma issues.

Current DP is lovely. So lovely. Let's see if I fuck this one up too.

I’m sure you didn’t fuck any of them up. I think both people play a part in the breakdown,

Last guy I seeing after three months said he didn’t want a relationship. Two weeks later he had a new girlfriend. So his excuse was bullshit and the chance we didn’t overlap is very minimal.

But I also ignored red flags, him cancelling the morning of a date due to anxiety (happened twice) or him questioning what time I got home after a night out. I should have listened to my gut and called him out on his bullshit.

UseOfWeapons · 19/11/2022 07:28

DH 1- he had an affair with someone at work, a few months after shagging my best mate.
DH 2- violent, sadistic psychopath.
I’m in no hurry for DH or DP 3, even after being alone for 14 years.

DashboardConfessional · 19/11/2022 07:34

I've had 2.

First boyfriend - split after 6 weeks when his best female friend confessed undying love to get rid of me then changed her mind after 2 months. We (stupidly) got back together about 4 months later. And were together 3 years until...

I met DH at uni. Kissed him. Broke up with ex the next day by phone. That was nearly 20 years ago.

dudsville · 19/11/2022 07:40
  1. discovered he loved someone else, an unrequited love and I was next best
  2. I loved someone else
  3. He was depressed angry for yrs and i didn't want to live the rest of my life like that.

Now 15 years into a relationship with the live of my life!

Fireandflames666 · 19/11/2022 07:43

I'm only on my second (he's amazing).

First bf after twelve years and two children cheated with the know slag at work (she slept with most of the staff). Absolutely grim.

emptythelitterbox · 19/11/2022 07:43

First love. just too young. he met someone else
Second love. I loved him but he thought me more a fwb.
Various teen romances. I usually got bored and was off.
First serious. He didn't want to work. I got fed up and left.
First marriage. He passed away.
Second marriage. He cheated.

TitInATrance · 19/11/2022 07:55

Over the last 40 years:

  • He had a baby with another woman
  • Unsatisfying and/or infrequent sex - most relationships ended like this
  • Long distance
  • XH1 equating ‘wife’ as ‘junior member of staff’
Have concluded the traditional marriage model is not for me
MintJulia · 19/11/2022 08:07

Ex1 was trying to be controlling. He kept telling me how to spend my money. To downsize my house. To get rid of my ds every other weekend. To cook something different. To sell my garden.

It came on gradually. When I wouldn't do as he wanted, he said I was feelingless and incapable of affection.

Ex2 (ds' dad) morphed after ds was born, turned from completely normal to 1950s man, expecting me to stay at home, cook, clean, have no say in anything, even which food we would eat, which restaurant we would visit.

I've been single ever since. I am much happier.

GiantWotsit · 19/11/2022 08:37
  1. Abusive cheater
  2. I messed him around and kept going back to my ex. He eventually got sick of it
  3. Was an affair on (1), his best friend.
  4. Was too intense
  5. Dh- who I adore
PurpleNebula84 · 19/11/2022 08:37

1st Relationship (17) my parents hated him (he was 21), I thought he was amazing, we were together for 8 months. Finally realised that he was controlling, manipulative and abusive. There were other ways he abused me too. I count my lucky stars he didn't live nearby, I have no doubt I would have been convinced to move in with him before I saw the light, stopped going to 6th form and probably ended up pregnant and my life would have been so different. The distance meant he couldn't be there all the time keeping me in check. Still didn't stop him harassing me constantly ringing me, texting me and leaving me abusive voicemails when I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do.
2nd - Together for 4 years, met at Uni. Was crap with money, practically bled me dry. Were living together. Realised he was not as in to me as I was him when I overheard him making holiday plans that didn't involve me (not a lads holiday - his sister and her bf, his mate and his gf)
3rd - started changing plans, being unavailable - pretty sure he was cheating. Conveniently got together with an ex not long after we split up.
4th - Together for 6 years, had a DD. Stopped making any kind of effort at home and in the relationship and as a family. I was fed up of doing everything and nothing changed despite discussions.
The end.
Writing this down, I realise I've been a complete and utter mug and have a propensity to attach myself to people who seemingly promise the world, wait til I'm hooked and then show their true self.

nokidshere · 19/11/2022 08:43

My first serious boyfriend dumped me soon after my 21st birthday because I wasn't ready to sleep with him.

My 2nd was a nice guy and we moved in together but he just didn't make me feel special, it was like he wanted a partner but wasn't really bothered who it was.

Then I met DH and we've been married for nearly 40yrs

BertieBotts · 19/11/2022 09:04

My relationship history is shit Grin Also some of these reasons were more apparent in hindsight, I probably was way more angsty about it at the time.

  1. Didn't actually like him, he was very boring. Also he wasn't that into me.
  2. He was still in a relationship with somebody else, but wouldn't admit it.
  3. He was still in a relationship with somebody else, openly refused to stop seeing her, and I thought I could handle it but couldn't. Also, he was an alcoholic with some really weird sexual preferences but that isn't why we broke up Confused
  4. He was emotionally abusive/controlling and was impossible to live with.
  5. He didn't want to be with me because I had a child.
KILM · 19/11/2022 09:06

1 - we just grew apart.
2 - we were off to uni and thought it was better to break up amicably. Got messy AFTER the breakup which led to awful number 3
3 - broke up because he cheated on me because (as he admitted to me drunkenly a year or so later) he'd always been the smartest person he knew and he hated that i was smarter and didnt keep my mouth shut about his friends treating each other like crap. He said it was awful of me to point bad behaviour out to him and he was much happier with his rose tinted specs on.
4 - got the ick, never recovered
5 - he cheated on me so frequently and treated me so badly i fell out of love with him.
6 - he gave me the ick and was ultimately a trauma rebound after 5