To hate myself right now?

[teslaplayer]

I am meant to be working in the morning, my job involves driving so I definitely can't do it. My daughter is at her dads tonight and so my friend came over, we ended up having some drinks and then got cocaine (I'm disgusting I know). Ended up with two guys over at the house, I stopped drinking and went on to water but more cocaine was consumed basically all night.

My heart is beating out of my chest, the party is over - I know that. I'm up in my bed and they are downstairs and it's just gotten to that dire point in the night where the party is over but no one wants to call it.

I am lying here, can't sleep, I know that the come down tomorrow is going to be brutal and feeling so shit as I'm not going to make work.

I am currently doing a masters and about to start a career in a very important job and this is the shit I'm doing. I'm so ashamed. I feel like scum. I know I'm going to wake up (if I ever manage to sleep) to a messy, scummy house. When I am sober I am very normal but I feel like absolute shit and like I know this is bad for me but I can't stop doing it.

Please don't give me horror stories about cocaine, I know the dangers and know I won't be able to relax for the next few days. I feel so awful and as if my world is ending.

AIBU to feel like this? I really can't take time off work but I can't drive and risk my career which will be ruined if I drive tomorrow morning. I need to be there for 9 am and it's an hour drive so basically in 4 hours and there's just no way.

Is there help available that I can stop this? I can't go into the profession I'm going into doing this. I really can't. I was looking about me tonight thinking why am I doing this? I don't even enjoy these peoples company.

I hear them downstairs and I just want them to go.

I really am sorry you're feeling so shit. I could sit and try and try and diagnose you because something's in there that stops you thinking you deserve good things. From my own experience I'd say find a good counsellor (interview them first) and get used to feeling uncomfortable in a safe space and letting go of shit.

Will they turn nasty if you ask them to leave?

You know you've made some poor choices tonight but it's really, really not the end of the world. Set an alarm to call in sick tomorrow. Google drug and alcohol support services in your area and see if what's available strikes a chord, and contact them on Monday if so. You need to get to the root of what's driving your destructive behaviour and work on it safely.

Once you've rung work, go back to bed and sleep more of it off for a few hours before you tackle the clean up of the house.

All is far from lost. Take control of this and make sure you move on.

Life can get better and so can you.

It’s always darkest before dawn.

Take this feeling and concentrate on it.

Next time you’re tempted, look up this thread.

Perhaps this is the wake up call you need.

I think you need to understand why you are doing this in order to know how to stop.

Is this a regular, habitual occurrence? If so might be worth speaking to a gp or other health care professional about addiction.

Is it genuinely for fun- to get away from responsibilities? To de- stress? A distraction from other things in your life? Then I'd look at other coping mechanisms. Ways to manage stress that are good for you- like exercise, reading, cooking ect .

You're right, you definitely can't go to work. Call in sick, spend time sorting your house out before your daughter gets home and reflect on these things.

Do you have real life support? It might be worth having a sit down conversation with a close friend and talking it through.

It's not the end of the world. Everyone has their own shit, and everyone has to cope in this world one way or another. But you can change this if you want to.

Wishing you all the best, hope you can get some rest xx

I think you need to ask the others to leave, have a shower and brush your teeth ( this will make you feel better), clean clothes and try and sleep, listen to some calming music. Definitely call in sick and sleep as much as you can. This is the worst of it, you'll feel a bit better in daylight.
Clean your house tomorrow and when you feel up to it take note of what you wrote in this thread, write down how you feel. It might be what you need to reflect on to say no in future.
Cook something healthy and plenty of water, rest up and match a movie later with your daughter.
If this happens with your same friend a lot, suggest not seeing her for a bit or just meet her for coffee or lunch when alcohol is lot involved. It's just to easy to lead to come after a few drinks, believe me I've been there many times!
All the best, I feel your pain right now but you'll get through it x

*lead to coke

I think you've reached a turning point in your life!
Ring in sick tomorrow - food poisoning or gastroenteritis. Sober up, clean your house, yourself and head towards your new life and don't look back.
What's sone is done, learn from it, and enjoy what you've earned moving forwards

You sound like an addict. Have you considered NA or AA?

You've had some great advice, please take it on board.

This self loathing is coming from somewhere as is the reasoning behind the actions you're taking when you're doing these things.

Be kind to yourself, you're worth all the good things in this world.
Tell everyone to leave and then sleep it off. Tomorrow is another day and really how it goes is entirely up to you.

I really feel for you OP.

You sound like you want to stop. Contact your local support services, you don't have to do this alone. You can usually either self refer or see your GP for a referral into your local substance misuse support service.

As other posters have said, call in sick, sober up, and sleep it off. Then decide how you're going to get clean. Don't waste your life away because it sounds like you can do so much better

It's ok x

The panicky low feeling is the drug. You'll feel better in the morning.

Remember this and the fact you don't want to feel like this again!

Call in sick to work. You'll be okay. ❤

Let us know how it's going. People will listen.

Oof. I don’t envy you this feeling. You’ve made some shitty decisions, you know that, we’ve all done that and been awash with regret. If this isn’t something you routinely do then I imagine the come down and the awful feeling you’ll be left with will stop you doing it again.

Thanks everyone for the kind messages. I managed to get a colleague to cover my shift so my work are fine. I haven't slept, but getting a bit sleepy now. My friend came up and seen I was in bed and left with the two guys. Have checked in with her she is home and fine.

I am self destructing and that is a habit of mine when things are going well. I don't get my daughter back until Monday but have spoken with her today. I'm just having a relaxing day then tomorrow try and get out and get loads of fresh air and a big walk.

Feeling much better than I did this morning, that's for the support and therapy is definitely something I need to look into. I don't want to, actually I can't, keep going through feeling like this.

I used to be like this, mine was a self medication because of the effects of childhood trauma. I still managed to carry on a reasonably high powered career around at all. I never really got any useful help for it, it just became more difficult to do because I was a single parent with little support and I just stopped liking drinking, I don't drink at all anymore. My life is so much better now, and that version of me seems like someone else completely. I echo the thoughts of PP that say to look into what's behind it and deal with that. We can perhaps make some more suggestions if you think it's something specific leading you to it.

Childhood trauma and personality disorder are definitely factors in my behaviour.

It's crap isn't it? If you haven't read them I'd recommend Bessel van der Kolk The Body Keeps The Score, and anything by Gabor Mate, In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts is very specifically about trauma and substance misuse, though I found it quite hard going. He's been on loads of podcasts as well, so worth a listen. I've had therapy on and off for years, but it's only now I've found somebody who does actually understand trauma, a lot of them say they do, but don't really, so it's worth persevering if you don't get the right person to begin with. You can come out the other side, the effects of childhood trauma, never completely go away in my experience, but you can get to a place where your emotional regulation much better. Hanging around with people who have good emotional regulation is key, as you can absorb it from them.