To think he thinks I'm his possession ?

[inthedarkx]

So i grey rock my ex completely, only message him important or serious stuff about the kids. I ignore any unnecessary messages.

So yesterday he asked around 17:15 he asked to 'call round for an hour to see youngest kid'
( bare in mind I stopped him coming into my house way ago and put my foot down with his control tactics and it calmed down for a while but he's starting it back up again) and I was cooking and to get myself out of this hole I tell him I'm not at home ( to prevent him coming my house as he has still turned up when I've said no Before)

He then says 'but the kids have told me they are home now ( he expects the oldest to text him when they return home from high school and college, kids age 16,15, 11) so he asks why am I not at home with the kids.

I ignore him after that. So he then says
'You can't just do what you want with my kids, this shit you do will come back to bite you, if anything happens to my kids you will see the devil come out of me'

But I haven't and would never do anything to put them at risk. Only person who ever babysits my kids is my mum. It's like I'm not allowed a life, and if I don't allow him to come to my house when it suits him he wants to know where I am if I'm not with the kids and he wants to know why im not with the kids and who is looking after them!
This is the guy who married the woman who cheated with and left me for !!
He's got a whole new ass family but still trying to dictate to me!

I know deep down he's saying this stuff to 'scare' me into not meeting a man and to try to make sure i don't have any new partners around the kids ( I wouldn't anyway) but this is coming from a man who has his new woman around our kids a week after walking out on us!!

How do you deal with men like this even though you Grey rock? It's like he thinks I'm his possession and if he doesn't want me know one can!!

You're still engaging with him too much. If he wants to come over, you don’t need to lie or make an excuse - you ‘no’. You do not need to justify yourself to him.

If he comes over anyway, you’re not required to let him in. If he makes a fuss, you call the police.

If he threatens you, you report it to the police. Each and every time.

If you want to date, then date. Tolerate nothing. No disrespect. No bullshit.

First answer pretty much sums it up. Great advice

Ignore him. Don't lie to him, don't engage with him at all, except as concerns the dcs.

If he asks to come to your house, say No. No need to add anything further. He can arrange to meet his dcs away from your home.

What you do is none of his business. He's a controlling interfering creep and the only way to deal with him is grey rock.

OP you've posted various threads over last couple of years regarding your exes treatment of you. You had loads of advice about getting professional legal advice about contact with the kids and you could also try put in place a non-molestation order for yourself so he can no longer invade your privacy or dictate how you live your life.
Sorry to be blunt, but continually posting on MN for advice about the same problem, getting the same advice over and over, is not going to help. Only taking action will change things. Time to start sticking up for yourself and living your own life.
Book yourself an appt with solicitor and get proper help. In the meantime, only contact you have with him is regarding kids, ignore every other attempt at interference into your life

Hello, I read your other post from 2021 and this one. I was hoping for a better update... I am sorry you have to go through this.

Going through similar post-divorce battle, I have been researching this topic pretty well as one of my children became severely alienated and turned actually against me due to the pathological manipulation of the father and probably his wife/parents as well, consciously or unconscious contributing to the problem.

I have not recognized the signs for "normal" teenage behavior and therefore did not took proper counter action and tried "normal" parenting instead. It did not work. I have read couple books, websites, watched youtube, talked to others on this topic and I can recommend "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Warshak and "Parenting with an toxic Ex" by Amy Baker. Both are specialists on this topic and I highly recommend to looking into parental alienation syndrome and get yourself very thoroughly educated and prepared. This is a very difficult, counter intuitive and complex situation. I am still in the middle of it and it will take a long time. I wish you best of luck and I hope for a good outcome!

Where are you-none of your business
can I come round-no
what are you doing-none of your business
etc etc etc
or fuck off and leave me alone

Why are you not involving the police as he is threatening you?

Report every threat.

That is all that works with scum.

The police on their case.

@inthedarkx sorry you are going through this, I'm in similar position and its so difficult... recently divorced but still under his crazy control.
I end up getting dragged into the argument with him when he has tantrums over say me taking kids to lunch without telling him, or going out with friends leaving kids alone at nome when they are 16 and 13 and are more than fine, and as he has no schedule with them, they'd rather stay home than go to his... I also sense its him making sure I cant make plans or be with anyone else while he has all the freedom and has the kids whenever he demands while sharing nothing of his own plans or schedule in advance.
I struggle with grey rock as got too used to trying to soothe him to get peace. I know its wrong but we are driven by deep subconscious beliefs and fear. Thats also what, in my case, keeps me from going legal on all this stuff... fear he'd go proper psycho and hurt us.
Sadly no advice as also a bit stuck.
I'll now try to grey rock and seek a MIAM, if he doesn't engage (he wont) i might take it to court to set clear rules and boundaries but problem is this takes time and in the meantime he'd escalate the abuse for sure...
The only real solution seems to be for him to be gone from this world, unfortunately.

My ex used a variety of scare tactics and intimidation. As suggested above, don't give him information he doesn't need. Only respond to questions that are relevant to arranging contact, do not justify your answers
"Today doesn't work", "No, I can't do that", any demands or explanations ignore, when face to face say its not relevant.

They ALL try to threaten with implying your parenting is substandard, because they know damp well thT you actually care about that. Unlike them, who think belittling a primary carer isn't going to impact the children. He's dirt. You wouldn't enter an argument with a pile of shit.