Don’t want to go to friend’s birthday

[elephantsbreafh]

I know I’m BU but anxiety is taking over and I need some sense talked into me. It’s my best friend’s birthday this weekend and 6 of us are going for lunch/cocktails. I don’t know the other girls going (some are her work friend’s, old uni friends etc so they don’t know each other either) which is making me feel anxious. I haven’t had a drink for months and I’m feeling so much better for it, but worrying that I’ll be expected to drink. My friend’s partner is meant to be picking me up so I can have a drink and I haven’t plucked up the courage to message to say I’ll be driving as I’m not drinking. I don’t want her to think I’m spoiling her birthday by not drinking along with anyone else.

I’m a single mum and money is tight at the moment, I’m nervous about being expected to split the bill (it’s a fancy restaurant with cocktails over £10 a pop) when everyone else is drinking - I don’t want to look like the tight arse when it comes to paying if I say I haven’t had a drink so just want to pay for my food (and share of birthday girl’s meal!). I know I’m over thinking all of this, but I just really don’t want to go at this point. I can’t think of anything worse but of course I want to celebrate my friend’s birthday with her and be there for her. Can someone just tell me I’m being daft, that splitting the bill will be fine and that I’ll have a nice time?

Well we can't tell you that splitting the bill is fine and you're being daft if you can't afford it.
Money is a part of it of course, but it sounds like you just don't want to go. I personally think it would be a bit shit to cry off, but plenty on here will disagree.

I’m going to go, I’m not cancelling. I just feel really anxious over it. I can afford a meal, just not lots of cocktails etc.

If she's a friend, she will understand why you aren't drinking and just want to pay for what you eat. Can you message her beforehand to ease your anxiety and so it's not a big deal when it comes up when you are out? Just explain what you've did here, it sounds perfectly reasonable to be.

If its a good friend, just explain everything you've said here. I would not be disappointed if I was your friend. Tell her and then you can go, pay for your good and relax for the evening.

Just say what you've said here. If they don't understand, that's their problem. Some of the others might not be able to afford too much anyway so you'll be doing them a favour by saying it. You're allowed to not drink or to be on a detox diet, you're allowed to drive if you want to.

Just explain your situation to your friend. If you were my friend I'd make sure you didn't feel uncomfortable being there.

I’ve messaged my friend to let her know I’m not drinking and will be driving. She seemed surprised but feel better now that I’ve done it. Have also just seen that 2 others are driving (they’re new mums), so will only be 3 of them (without kids) who are drinking so feeling a bit less anxious now. I was spiralling about being the only one not drinking and people thinking I was boring but obviously I was over thinking! Feel a bit silly now, I’m sure it’ll be a lovely lunch.

Don't drink! It's quite simple, just have a soft drink, water, juice. You can have 'virgin' cocktails - I like virgin Pina Colada.

You do not need to drink alcohol to have a good time.

FGS. Text her now. Explain about the money, she'll be fine. you don't need to drive. Let her partner pick you up, go and let the five others drink and split the bill 5 ways, and you just pay for your part. This is really really easy. I don't know why you're making it into more of a drama than it needs to be.

I think people are much more aware of the cost of things at the minute. So if you say you are not drinking they may be more understanding than previously.

Good. Just seen update. Your anxiety got the better of you. This was so easily solvable. why did you let this happen? Learn from it and don't let it happen again.

@Oblomov22 anxiety isn’t as simple as just ‘not letting it happen’. That’s like telling someone who’s sad to just cheer up. I knew I was over thinking it, but it’s hard to snap out of that when your mind is blowing everything out of proportion.

At the beginning of the meal just tell the waiter that you are ordering separately. It's a completely normal and unremarkable thing to do.

Do you have professional help for your mental health?

@Greysanatomyfan yes, my GP is aware. The anxiety seems to have stemmed from PND. I’m doing a lot better these days, but sometimes my mind just gets the better of me.

Does your friend know that you are unwell?

Thanks for the kind messages. I know it sounds like a silly ‘dilemma’ to have but outsider perspective helps me to rationalise things and realise I’m overthinking things.

@Greysanatomyfan she does, but I haven’t spoken to her about things for a while. We’re both busy and I don’t like to be a burden.

i would say if your friend isn't understanding about your monetary situation once you've explained to her then she isn't a real friend! You have a very good reason to be concerned about cash etc. Maybe this would be a good friendship test, a real friend would be understanding and supportive. If she's not then is she really worth remaining mates with?

Glad that you’ve messsged your friend and are feeling better; I sometimes spiral a bit with things like this and talking it out does help. I hope it’s a lovely lunch

Oh OP. Just contact your friend and maybe don’t say everything you’ve said here, but give her a calm outline. You’re a bit nervous about not knowing anyone (tell her) and you need to tell her you’ve given up drinking. Tell her it’s a health decision, and that you need to just pay your own way rather than chipping in as not drinking.

Just make sure you speak up when the bill arrives…. Don’t allow for it to be split evenly. If the point is pressed simply say “no, I’m not able to subsidise others”.

God don’t say that it sounds really rude arsey and defensive and is literally accusing the other attendees of trying to rob you! Dear me some of the advice on here regarding social situations is utterly cringe! Have you ever been out for a meal in a group?!