To ask FIL to stop giving DS money?

[jerax79572]

DS is 17, he doesn't go to college but is currently looking for a job. Recently, he's been having money to buy things/go out (for example, drinking with his friends, the cinema, bowling etc), we don't give him money since he's quit college unless he needs something. I asked him where he's been getting the money from, he told me FIL has been giving him £50 a month but had told him not to tell us as he's not giving the same to DS2.

WIBU to tell him to stop giving him money?

Depends… do you want him to lie to you about it next time?

He is 17. It’s not your place to police his relationship with his grandparent anymore

Why do you want him to stop? Is it because DS lacks motivation to find a job or because it’s not fair on DS2?

If the former I would say YABU because he’s looking for a job and he’s only 17. If the latter then I kind of agree but depends on how old DS2 is?

None of your business. Unless, of course, you intend to replace the money if it’s stopped.

None of your business.
Frustrating as having no money would make him get a job quicker.

Its not a huge amount of money and surely seeing mates etc is good for his mental health ?

You could try speaking to your FiLand explain that you're trying to incentivise DS1 getting a job or returning to education, and that "free" cash isn't encouraging a good work ethic. Ultimately it's up to him if he gives money to his grandchild though.

I would quietly speak to the FIL. Say you appreciate that he's trying to help but ask him to do it in a way that creates incentives for DS to look for jobs, ie to be used as interview clothing or haircut etc..or perhaps even £10 per interview? If that galvanises DS a bit too much you might have to pay the extra but I think it might be worth it if he got the interviews.

This wouldn't bother me at all provided that DS remained serious about searching for a job. It's FIL's money, so FIL's decision what to do with it.

It's only £10 per week.

The only thing that would concern me slightly is DS2 not getting the same as I would feel like I had to make it even myself.

Presumably DS2 is still at school so in a different position to his brother. No doubt granddad would cough up for younger son in the same circumstances.

£50 a month is hardly a lot of money and no doubt it is soon gone. He needs some cash without having to ask and account for where it has gone. The boy is only 17.

I don't think it's fair to deprive DS of a social life because college wasn't for him.

How long until he's 18?

@waterrat I agree.

17 is very young. Very difficult to figure out what you're doing with your life at that age I went to college at 17, wasted 3 years doing a course that wasn't for me but I felt under pressure to finish it and graduate. I ended up going back to college at 27 and doing a 4 year course and finally getting a job I loved. I'm sure he'll figure things out in time.

Realistically what will £12.50 per week buy you OP? Half of that could be spent on a bus ticket.

YABU, you don’t own your child and he’s 17,
his grandad is giving him a very sensible amount of money, it’s none of your business. If he manages to enjoy this time with a few trips out between collage and getting a job then good for him, your only 17 once. And he was honest with you about it even though he didn’t have to be, I’d value that personally.

I'd be delighted if my IL's did that (they wouldn't)!

As far as I can see no one else has pointed this out but It’s not the money that would bother me, it’s asking your son not to tell you about it that is the thing that struck me. I don’t like that.

I agree, grandparents mean well but hindra the goal & when it all goes wrong people point the finger at the parents. I have a mother inlaw that did this to me all through out bringing my young children up.

I wouldn’t have a problem with grandad giving him the money.
I would have a massive problem with grandad telling DS not to tell us…….
And I would be making it very clear to FIL that asking DS to keep secrets from his parents is not on