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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this?

37 replies

honeymaple · 18/11/2022 01:35

I have been seeing my ex again recently. In the past week I have seen him four or five times and sleeping together. We haven't had a conversation about 'what' we are or our relationship status.

On Tuesday we had made plans (he had asked me if I was up for doing something) and he cancelled saying that he had a lot of work to do and the gym.

He turned up to my house today with scratches on his back, he said that they were from scratching his back but I was suspicious. To be fair to him, I have seen him scratch his own back in the past and leave red scratch marks like the one today.

I had a gut feeling he had slept with someone else on Tuesday when we were meant to meet and I asked him, he denied it. I said it was his last opportunity to tell the truth and he admitted he had slept with someone on Tuesday.

He said he knows how it looks but that he doesn't see me as second best or choose me over her, and that he had cancelled on her twice before to see me and she wasn't free for the rest of the week.

I got upset and politely asked if he would leave as I didn't feel like spending time together anymore. There was no argument or anything like that, all very calm.

He has messaged me apologising again and saying it isn't how it seems.

We aren't together and haven't had that conversation yet.

So AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
Trez1510 · 18/11/2022 01:43

YANBU being upset at him lying to you.
YABU being upset at him sleeping with someone else as you had agreed exclusivity.

Trez1510 · 18/11/2022 01:43
  • had not agreed exclusivity.
HoldMyLatte · 18/11/2022 01:45

I think you can be upset that he was dishonest with you, that you were meant to meet up and he said he couldn't because he was going to the gym when in reality he had met up with someone else.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 18/11/2022 01:48

What does he mean “ it’s not how it seems “

ShirleyPhallus · 18/11/2022 01:51

Trez1510 · 18/11/2022 01:43

YANBU being upset at him lying to you.
YABU being upset at him sleeping with someone else as you had agreed exclusivity.

Sorry but even if I haven’t agreed exclusivity with someone I wouldn’t expect them to be sleeping with anyone else

I’d kick him to the kerb tbh, he’s an ex for a reason!

QuiteSomeTime · 18/11/2022 01:53

YABU, you aren’t together or exclusive

WineAndDontDine · 18/11/2022 01:54

It's a lack of respect more than anything. What he's doing isn't necessarily "wrong" as you weren't exclusive, but he wouldn't do that if he had respect for you. YANBU for being upset by any means.

DysmalRadius · 18/11/2022 01:58

If he thought it was fine because you 'aren't exclusive' then why did he lie to you? Clearly he knew that you do not want to be in an open relationship or he would have told you when you asked.

TheSandgroper · 18/11/2022 02:17

For heaven’s sake, have some personal standards about how you want to be treated. Door mat springs to mind. Surely he’s an ex for a reason. Learn to be happy and content by yourself and for yourself.

Original poster
honeymaple · 18/11/2022 02:20

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 18/11/2022 02:22

Well, of course YANBU to be upset. Your emotions are your emotions.

But … this is the difference between you and me.

I wouldn’t ‘politely’ tell him to leave. I’d take great pleasure in telling him to leave and to never darken my doorstep again.

Please don’t tell me you’re now going to do the ‘pick me’ dance, and wait around until he deigns to throw you some dregs, in between sleeping with other women….?!

Just ditch him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s only a man, not the second coming of the Messiah. They’re a dime a dozen.

Original poster
honeymaple · 18/11/2022 02:23

I just didn't want to overreact as we aren't exclusive.

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 18/11/2022 02:24

Please tell me you’re NOT going to do the ‘pick me’ dance….

NurseBernard · 18/11/2022 02:24

What’s overacting about telling him to jog on?

NurseBernard · 18/11/2022 02:29

honeymaple · 18/11/2022 02:23

I just didn't want to overreact as we aren't exclusive.

He’s got you right where he wants you, doesn’t he?

He’s dumped you.

But he’s coming back for sex - on tap - whenever he wants it - in between shagging other women.

And you’re not allowed to have any sort of problem with it, because you’re exes and not exclusive.

And he’s got you thinking this is a good idea….?

😳

Had2Be · 18/11/2022 03:21

I wouldn’t be upset about him having sex with someone else if I was in a casual relationship with him. I would be upset about him lying and canceling plans with me to spend time with someone else. It certainly shows where you are in the pecking order.

ClaryFairchild · 18/11/2022 03:25

You may not be exclusive but is he or is he not trying to win you back? To do that shouldn't my he be putting his best foot forward? Showing you that he's worthy of you trying with him again? How does this behaviour do that?

SD1978 · 18/11/2022 03:27

He bumped you to shag someone else after shagging you 5 times that week. This is after bumping her, to shag you. It's exactly how it seems.

Original poster
honeymaple · 18/11/2022 03:36

Thank you again.

God, no. There's absolutely 0 chance of me doing the "pick me" dance. No way.

I know my worth.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 18/11/2022 03:54

She won't be the only one op, and how stupid is he to turn up with scratches on his back. He's an ex for a reason, leave it that way

MayThe4th · 18/11/2022 04:07

I don’t get this need to have an exclusivity talk.

Do people really think that it’s perfectly reasonable to shag whoever you like as long as the word “exclusive” hasn’t been mentioned? Seriously where are people’s standards?

It’s not unreasonable to expect monogamy from the moment you start sleeping with someone. In fact it’s open relationships which need to be agreed exclusivity should be a given.

OP yanbu. Get rid.

Guavafish1 · 18/11/2022 04:07

Sad he lied

He will probably continue to see you both at the same time.

Trez1510 · 18/11/2022 04:47

MayThe4th · 18/11/2022 04:07

I don’t get this need to have an exclusivity talk.

Do people really think that it’s perfectly reasonable to shag whoever you like as long as the word “exclusive” hasn’t been mentioned? Seriously where are people’s standards?

It’s not unreasonable to expect monogamy from the moment you start sleeping with someone. In fact it’s open relationships which need to be agreed exclusivity should be a given.

OP yanbu. Get rid.

I don't get the need to shag anyone before the exclusivity chat.

We're all different though, eh?

Activelyannoyed · 18/11/2022 05:54

honeymaple · 18/11/2022 03:36

Thank you again.

God, no. There's absolutely 0 chance of me doing the "pick me" dance. No way.

I know my worth.

I’m not sure you do. You clearly wanted to get back with him properly and were sleeping with him, without even taking a convo on where it was going. He on the other hand was taking the sex, hanging out whilst lying to your face and chasing another woman. I get you didn’t know that, but an honest conversation up front could have prevented this. I think if you’d known your worth you’d have had that conversation.

he’s treated you terribly. Stay away and find someone who isn’t keeping you on the back up whilst going after someone else. What’s the saying, never make someone a priority when to them yoire just an option

SophieJo · 18/11/2022 06:03

So AIBU to be upset?

This comment of yours worries me the most as I am surprised that you should even ask it. He has treated you appallingly and I hope you manage a life away from him.