Christmas Day

[Daughtersandbristolian]

Never had a Christmas Day on our own even before DD’s. We want to this year but cannot get over guilt of not asking PIL dispute the fact we haven’t been asked to theirs (never do) and we are not MIL favourites ( SIL and her husband and children are) yet we are the ones that do the most for them (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day,
jobs etc). They are quick to Jump on our plans with SIL family and noses out of joint if not included yet do not make any plans themselves or ask us if we all want to do something MIL is very entitled. My parents are no longer here and the relationship is quite strained at times (another post altogether) it’s never been easy for us due to MIL mainly and we want a Christmas just us and our girls without feeling like shit on the day. Incidentally SIL and her husbad are suiting themselves and are very matter of fact over that they and their children are doing their own thing and never worry or give it a second thought - they went away last year for Christmas and prev to that it’s always us really who pick up the slack. What should We do? AIBU and Give in and ask them for lunch or just have one Christmas just us 5 and not feel guilty. It is just never appreciated,
more expected and what about the other 364 days of the year where no effort is made by them to spend time with grand daughters or us? Help!

Yes, fully entitled to spend Christmas Day with just the 5 of ye. You don't have to say or explain to IL's either.

They'll appreciate any future invites and not take you for granted as they are doing now.

Just say, we are doing what sister-in-law does and just having Christmas on our own.

I think "we're having christmas day to ourselves this year; we would love it if you could come for supper on Boxing Day, are you free?" will cover it nicely.

Thanks all, makes me feel better knowing I’m not being selfish!

They should not expect to come to you every year so seems like you are due a year off. Have a good time. Could say we can bring presents over in Christmas eve .

Channel your SIL - she does what she wants and you can too. Be brave.

Break the tradition this year and never go back to it.

Enjoy the day on your own then, if that’s your wish, guessing you’ll get backlash from it but, chin up & bear it. Personally I love the day on our own but we are always out anyway, can’t bear the rigmarole

I would just spend it the 5 of you, if they moan just simply reply "oh I assumed you'd made plans with SIL."

Stop being a martyr...

Do it, and do it again next year and repeat. Staying at home at Christmas just us is the best move we've ever made. I have them all over on Boxing Day now

You are not being selfish - at all. These are your memories with your children, make them as you would like to remember them, fun, stress free and without the MIL spoiling it all!

What do you mean? We’ve had years of this and playing second fiddle (don’t care about me but my husband and girls) it affects your mental health but I can’t help feeling guilty still?

It came out harsher than it was meant but people being martyrs and sacrificing themselves to please others for no good reason except to please - never appreciated, not being treated right, yet still trying to please to own detrimen, and to quote "don’t care about me but my husband and girls" while suggesting it has negative effect on your mh is martyrism.
"I will die for others to have x even though they actually don't care about x, but I will feel better because they must have x in my opinion"

Much better life if people just do "well they don't care so that's fine" and move on to nicer things. Just have nice Christmas for once

@BosaNova thanks for explaining - yes she makes me ill as she is a narcissist and entitled what I mean is I won’t allow her to make my girls feel that way. The whole dynamics are crap and we could literally do anything for her but she would still favour the SIL and her kids. I guess I need to work on not feeling shit which are my own issues.

You know how awful your MiL makes you feel… but you continue to try and please her, be nice, go out of your way. And it is never appreciated. What message is that giving your girls? That you can be horrible selfish and entitled and you get anything you want. Do this for your family, not that entitled witch of a MiL.

Your SiL has got it spot on, she does her own thing, and you can use that if MiL kicks back. “Well x always does her own thing MiL so we thought we would too, we are really looking forward to a quiet Christmas, but would love to see you for Boxing Day cold supper if you are free?” If she kicks off just keep repeating, we are having a quiet Christmas this year but would love to see you in Boxing Day for supper. And if she says she doesn’t want to come on Boxing Day, result!

This woman does nothing for you and makes no effort with your family. Stand up to her, and show your girls that you won’t put up with her nonsense. Start your own family traditions. You will have a fabulous Christmas and once you’ve done it you will never go back! Don’t feel guilty, you are doing this for your family who are far more important than a selfish entitled old bat.

@MinnieGirl you are absolutely right. Hit the nail on the head! Thank you all for your replies.

in any other situation I stand up for myself and I need to with her now: I feel guilty for them being alone Christmas Day but we wouldn’t get a second thought and actually if she wanted to see Us Christmas Day she could’ve asked and invited us to hers. So you are all right I just needed some hand holding and a kick up the backside!

Does your husband feel the same, and if so why not let HIM tell his parents of your own plans.

I hope it works out whoever tells MIL. If you do it once you will ever go back to the old ways gain.

Thank you all 🙏🏻