Who is in the wrong here

[Namechange12345689]

Hi, iv changed my name for this post and sorry this may be a long one but any advice would be amazing.

Me and my dp have 2 amazing sons ds1 is 4 and ds2 is 3 months.

Bit of a back ground ds1 has pretty much always been an amazing sleeper goes to bed at 7.30 / 8 and on none nursery days will happily stay in bed till 9-10am.

Ds2 however as expected isn't sleeping through the night yet which is fine that's what baby's do and I accept it. The issue is to start of dp and I have taken in turns who does the night feed and who does the morning. Most of the time I'm happy to do the mornings as I'm up early anyway and he's happy to do the night as he likes to go to bed around the same time ds is due to wake up. However over the last few nights dp has been doing the feed at about 1ish (when ds2 wakes up for it) and settles him back down but ds has then been waking up at 3am and is wide awake dp expects me to deal with him which fine I have been doing no problem. I can usually get him back to sleep withing an hour but the last two nights he's then back awake at 5am which is making me extremely knacked and I have asked dp for help which has caused big arguments between us. Now if it was just this I would understand that he's tired didn't go to sleep until after 1am but it's not. I'm lit the one who has to do everything for ds2 and 80% for ds1, along g with house work cooking etc.

Iv just put both ds to bed and said I was going to bed which got me a funny look ( iv been up since 3am he's been up since lunch time and had the house to himself since 1.30 as we went out). I have told dp I will do the night feed as I could do with trying to have a bit of a lie in and he's has moaned about this and said no he's sick of the arguments and he has decided he is going to stay up all night and only go to bed about 7ish every night. My argument was that ds1 who loves playing with his dad won't like it as he will be in bed until late afternoon and their relationship will break down because of it. In my head I'm also thinking great that's me with both kids all day and doing all the house work etc. also to add he dosent work im the one who works and he is a sahd

The question is who is UR here

YANBU - he needs to continue with how we are but also help out more

YABU - stop moaning you get a full night sleep

I have every respect for all parents as this shit is hard. If he was out at work all day I would completely get having the boys all day and doing the early mornings etc it just annoys me trying to keep noise down while he will sleep and not being able to do upstairs jobs until much later on in the day which makes my day feel longer and never ending. May not reply tonight as I'm falling asleep writing this but also needed to get it off my chest before it do. Completely prepared to be the one on the wrong here

Why don't either of you work?

Yanbu.

Stop pandering to him lying in bed all day!

If he wants to do that he has to do all the night feeds.

Surely he needs to look after the DC whilst you work and you both should get equal "leisure" time and equal opportunity to sleep/rest?

So he's a SAHD but wants to sleep all day, do none of the housework or childcare, with the exception of one night feed?

What is the point of this man?

I also can't get over the 4yo that stays in bed until 10am!

When I was a sahm I done all feeds, all cleaning, all cooking, all washing, all school runs, etc. I seen it as my job as I was the one at home while my DH left the house to work....so I can't really comment as for me that's what I'd do again and again. I wouldn't want my partner awake in the night then having to go to work when I was going to be staying at home and could doze when the baby slept if I felt I needed to....not that I ever did but the choice was there x

He's meant to be a Sahd, he should be doing the bulk. If you're working, you need your rest.

Says right in the OP that OP works:

also to add he dosent work im the one who works and he is a sahd

I assume OP is on mat leave given that her baby is 3 months old.

He should be helping out much more than he is and not threatening to stay up all night... let me guess- gaming?!

We split it I slept 8- 1, dh slept 1-6 . Who ever turn it was got up with baby.

Well you are finally seeing what a total waster you have had children with.

He's not a Sahd, he's just a lazy loser who is living off you.

Have a think OP because you have a real dud there🙄.

Start looking at childminders, much better value.

He's not a SAHD, he's an unemployed cock lodger. Either he wants to be a SAHP and so starts parenting or gets a job and contributes that way.

Babies wake through the night. You both have to deal with it, whether that's alternative wakes regardless of time or split the night in half or whatever works. There's no excuse for him sleeping all day.

I'm assuming you are on maternity leave? What happens when you go back to work?

I think this is 2 very tired parents of a tiny baby bickering because you're both too tired to think straight. The first year is really tough on relationships.

I did all night every night when my husband was working, he gave me an hour in the morning if he could and a lie in both weekend mornings xx

Sorry missed that and the babies age from the op.

If that's the case why the fuck is the op doing 80% of the work?

What will happen when she goes back to work?

That being said if she was a sahm and he was working everyone would be saying he should be doing the anywayfeeds anyway. Or at least half of them.

He is not a SAHD. He is a part time parent who is not pulling his weight at all. What does he contribute to your relationship/your home/your children? How will you cope when you go back to work and he is still not doing his fair share?
Threatening to stay up all night (then presumably sleep all day) is immature and selfish. This doesn't bode well for the future.

I'm sorry OP I can't get past that you called him a sahd. Think about what you've written... Does that describe a sahp? He's not, he's unemployed. Why did he end up a "sahd"? Theres no way I'd be putting up with that. Hes not pulling his weight financially or domestically. He needs to get a job and start pulling his weight in the house.

🙄 why didn't you read the op before posting ?

I did.

I missed 1 line in a wall of text. Shoot me.

In what way is he a SAHD? Why is he neither working nor caring for the kids properly nor doing the bulk of the housework and cooking? What is the point of him and why are you putting up with him doing absolutely nothing for your family?

You’re nowhere near angry enough, probably because you’re exhausted, but stop tolerating him taking the piss. You’re going to burn out while he’s lying in his bed doing fuck all.

The fact that you have to ask, is it me? Means you know something is not quite right. As women, I think we have been conditioned to juggle everything with no questions asked. Some men are allowed to be men-children, possibly coming from sexist, chauvinistic families or their mother and father didn't ask them to help with the cleaning etc. Enter the man child.

I see it with my own spouse sometimes and it drives me mad. The amount of arguments it's caused in the past. Both parents need to actively share responsibility, when it doesn't happen the resentment grows and sometimes it's not salvageable.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

You need him to step up. It's not fair on you when you are working.

When I stayed at home, I did anything night related, all the time (unless two children were ill at the same time and DP always came and helped in that circumstance). DP can't make a mistake at work because somebody could die.

DP is being unreasonable with his requests. I hope things improve for you.
A chat about how this makes you feel hopefully will open his eyes.

If he doesn't step up, move on. Life's too short.

Thank you for your replies I do work but currently on maternity leave before ds2 came he was a very hands on dad with ds1. Ds1 goes to nursery 2 days a week so he used to do the big cleans on these days however since iv been on mat leave everything is down to me. I had a very traumatic birth and I know it affected him alot and dp struggled to bond with ds2 at the start but I don't think that is the case now.

In regards to us both being very tired yes we are it's been a complete shock to him how little ds2 sleep as ds1 was so good from the start.

I know he can be an amazing dad when he puts the effort in, it's just at the moment he isn't and it's getting me down as I feel stuck. Broke down this morning over it all to my mum. Luckily my mum is watching ds2 while I'm at the dentist and she's told me to go and get a coffee on my own afterwards so I can have some breathing space.

In regards to when I'm back at work im stressing over this I'm current hours would be 2 till 8 in the afternoon but I want to make a side step which will make my hours 7.30 till 5 but over 4 days (better promotions in this area of work) or go to university to do nursing. I feel at the current situation I can't do either of these

Honestly, it all seems a mess.

Surely it makes more sense, whilst neither of you are having to go into work, for the night to be split. The one staying up til 1 doesn't get up after that for 6/7 hours, BUT the one getting up from 1 onwards gets to go to bed at 8/9pm and doesn't get disturbed at all from when they go to bed until the first wake up after 1 (so 3am ish from your OP). Basically, you should BOTH have an undisturbed chunk of 6/7 hours sleep each night where you get the majority of your sleep. (Obviously adjust actual times to fit your household routines, but the principle remains). Housework etc should be shared roughly evenly whilst you are awake (remember stuff like washing/ironing/meal prep/unloading dishwasher can all be done quietly in the evening, although the person awake during the day will probably do more of the hands on childcare.

You're in a very favourable position of neither of your working at the moment, so it should be possible to split the tasks so that both of you get plenty of sleep.