To not want to go to his Christmas do?

[Alertthecorgis]

Its been on the cards for a while and I just don’t want to go. I’m quite socially anxiety and big groups where I don’t know anyone are really tricky for me. I’m also overweight (a size 20) and have nothing to wear so I need to go and buy an outfit especially for the event.

The main thing is though at the moment I’m just exhausted. I work full time and we have two kids with special needs (both at a specialist school but I finish work and look after them). Youngest is 10 and extremely challenging - they’re best described as having complex special needs.

My parents are down to babysit but my youngest is really difficult. On the two occasions they’ve babysat on one occasion I didn’t go to an event as my youngest wouldn’t settle, the second time we went she screamed until we got home. There’s no time for me to keep her in bed routine as we need to leave early. I’ll also then have my mum complaining about how difficult it has been. I also feel like I’m spoiling my husband’s night by being quiet. We don’t generally go for night’s out as we’re quite happy hanging out together of an evening. I know I should probably just suck it up and go but I’m not sure I have the energy reserves to make conversation with people I don’t know and I know my husband wants me to go.

Don't go.

The idea of having wives, husbands, girlfriends or boyfriends go to such events is something fraught with difficulties and I am glad does not happen at my workplace. For example, one woman at work took several years before being comfortable in telling us that she was in a relationship with a woman.

That sounds incredibly stressful.
Are your parents comfortable babysitting?
Does your dh ever look after his children alone? I’m wondering if he fully grasps how difficult looking after the children is.
Why does he want you to go? It’s a serious question. What you have to ask is; is the stress it will put you through, not mentioning the stress on your parents and children, worth it?

Don't go. Send hubby alone, settle the kids in their own beds and enjoy a quiet evening with Netflix and a glass of wine/gin/whatever you fancy. I would choose that over a night out every time, but I'm unashamedly antisocial :)

My mum thinks I should go. I’m sure in a roundabout way she’s trying to be nice but it’s adding pressure when she goes on about getting my hair done, buying a new outfit. I can’t think of anything I want to do less. My parents don’t babysit generally we don’t leave the kids with anyone. The older two (including one who has autism) would be okay. Tricky but okay. Youngest is very challenging. My parents don’t look after her as she has zero danger awareness and needs to be watched constantly. My husband says he’s aware of how difficult the younger two are but rarely ever looks after them alone.

I’m not sure why my husband is so keen I go. I’d spend a lot of time worrying about the kids (especially as no doubt the middle one with autism would spend the evening texting me telling me how difficult her sister is being) and feeling exhausted at having to be sociable with random people. My husband is incredibly social and I’m more than happy for him to be as social as he pleases but I’m not. If my work had a Christmas event, I’d likely try to avoid it. I’m just mindful that I don’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings and really don’t want a lecture from my mother about how I should go off with my husband (in the past my mother has commented he might leave me).

I wouldn’t go; but maybe use this as an opportunity to explore what you can do to get your DC slowly more comfortable with the idea of some time away from you - otherwise what happens next time there is an event that you do want to go to? (Even if it’s to get some time to yourself!)

Can you look into building up your DC to being away from you a bit at a time - even an hour or so? I realise it’s not the same as with NT children though so it really does depend on their individual awareness/needs!

Don't go - life is too short to be doing things that you don't want and need to do!

@Dyrne, I definitely agree with building her up. In the day it’s so bad. She takes medication for her adhd as she’s extremely hyperactive she can’t take meds in the evening for her adhd as it causes sleep issues so she’s very hyperactive. Yesterday she threw a bowl at my head as I needed to take away some cereal she wanted in her room. Both my DH and I find her extremely challenging. I just can’t bear the thought of her screaming all night until we get back because if she’s not settled and asleep by a certain time she’ll be up all night. And I’ll get ear ache off my mum about how they’ve all been difficult and that adds another layer of stress.

I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable about not wanting to go. I want my DH to go and have a good time, and I’m not quite sure how at this stage I’ll get out of going. I just wish the people around me would respect my choice of not wanting to do certain things.