I am sick of low self esteem

[Cheesestring1]

I don't know why I have but I am absolutely sick of it. I've always been a bit shy and nervous and lacking in self esteem but I don't know how to change it.
I've already accepted that I'm introverted, but it's not that which is the problem.

Objectively I know I have things going for me, and I believe I'm good at things, I like my job, I'm currently doing an NVQ and I already have a degree and Master's.
I'm good at some sports, I'm happy with how I look usually, though have off days like everyone.

I see so many people around me who come across as very confident and comfortable and I wish I could be them, even if it's a front.

My boyfriend was saying that a colleague was really comfortable in her own skin and I didn't recognise that feeling.

I've become quite bitter as a person too, always assume the worst and assume that people won't like me.

I feel jealous feelings sometimes which I hate and it can come across in my body language, but I don't know how to stop it.

Just wish I could be more relaxed and confident but I don't know how. I can't afford therapy sadly.
I also overreact to things emotionally sometimes, either that or I can be too passive and walked over.

I just feel like I have such an undesirable personality. It's little wonder I don't have tons of close friends.

I just want to change my personality but no idea where to start

I think I am polite and helpful but i lack charisma, I'm not that likeable. I'm also very over sensitive. ADHD and or being on the autistic spectrum are a possibility, but I don't know what a diagnosis would bring me really.

Anyone please?

Hi op - you’re polite and helpful (great qualities!), to be honest you’re probably nicer than you think you are! You have a boyfriend who I assume loves you, it seems to me you’re honing in on all the negative character traits you have. But op, we all have shitloads of those! Someone will be along with practical advice for you, all I want to say is that there are very few genuinely super nice people. Theres just different levels of confidence and also people who’ve learnt to quash/hide their darker side better so it doesn’t bubble up.
We are all just human. I’m just saying this as perhaps if you can get out of the mindset that you’re so different, it would help you to feel more confident and that would lead to better self esteem and then to more charisma. The older I get the more I realise people are people, no better no worse.
I think the crux of feeling better about yourself is to realise you’re not some outlier, whether you’re ND or not, if that makes sense!

Fake it til you make it is my mantra in this area. If you pretend you have high self esteem for long enough there comes a time when you actually have high self esteem.

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it. I feel like I'm not even capable of faking it! But I'll try

Can you start by reading some books on self esteem? There are many, but The six pillars of self esteem is a classic.

There are also lots of TED talks on self-esteem to be found on YouTube.

What characteristics do you value in other people?

Not 'confidence' since that is a by product of being happy with yourself or being sure of what you are doing.

You sound intelligent, pleasant and thoughtful. Do you value those qualities in others?

Yes, I watch Richard Grannon on YT who I think is very good - he might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I find his videos very helpful.

CBT was really helpful for me. The whole looking into thoughts, feelings and behaviours rather than just labelling myself as shy. Turns out I’m not shy, I just didn’t feel able to speak up or felt unheard.

How old are you OP?

Asking because my self-esteem was horrendously low when I was in my 20s. Now I have a lot of confidence. I think age and experience help a lot. It's hard to feel secure in yourself when you're a young woman in particular because so many other people have opinions about how young women should be and should behave.

As you get older and the more you achieve (and it sounds like you've achieved a fair amount anyway), the more confidence you will develop in your own activities.

Have faith in yourself, don't listen to voices of negativity, either internal or external. A lot of that external negativity actually reflects poor feelings people have about their own lives.

Also seconding fake it 'til you make it. The more you "wear" confidence the more easily it will come.

Definitely fake it.

A suggestion- try volunteering- you need to get yourself among a group of kind people (lots of bitchy politics sometimes) but for me, I feel so good about myself for doing it.

Try and smile more.