DH boss is picking on him

[Lalalalawhitenoise]

I know this isn’t quite an Aibu but DH I’m pretty sure DH boss is picking on him and singling him out.

• feedback is derogatory and not constructive, for instance instead of saying you need to work on your presentation skills, it’s you’ve got no personality, the charisma of a fish, as soon as you open your mouth people are bored.
• it’s a new role that comes with a 6 month training period as per their HR and the job role, and his boss is putting him down over it referring to it as his hand holding or constant babying and he needs to put on his big boy shoes and do the job for himself. To be crystal clear this is a regulated environment with very strict and company specific rules and procedures and guidelines on how to do the job or else the individual and company can be fined. It was stated in the job interview that he’d be working with a buddy for the first 6 months for risk reasons. After one month the buddy was taken away
• rips his work to shreds when people more senior have praised it, and degrades him over it, saying how he needs to do better and how it’s embarrassing. Suggests complete rewrites only to say oh wait it was better before and you’re not working quickly enough
• boss asked DH for feedback for end of year and he gave very nice, polite feedback with some mild room for improvement, very toned down and ever since then the flex working request he put in and was verbally ok’d, boss has since changed mind even though there is precedent in the team.
• constantly takes credit for his work and then states he’s not achieving so can give a below par rating, but the feedback he’s given from snr leadership is glowing but then boss dismisses and says it’s all because of bosses work not DH
• he gets singled out on calls for ‘feedback’ too, it’s to the extent that the wider team have noticed too
• rips his work apart without having read it
• boss repeatedly tells DH how they did him a favour by hiring him and he needs to recognise this. Dh is a grafter, always has been, he got the job based on merit and now that’s being undermined.

Tbh it seems like work place gaslighting.

the money is good, but holy fuck is he miserable and a shell of himself. He’s the main earner and although I earn too he can’t just walk away, esp with COL. He wants to more away from the team into another business area but thinks his boss will take it as a personal attack and block him, and from what I’ve witnessed I agree.

i don’t know what to suggest, what would you do?

Is your husband in a union? He needs to contact them and say all the stuff that you have just posted.

He needs to keep dates,times of when this stuff is happening.

No he’s not part of one.
Boss isn’t trying to manage him out though which is the odd thing, often even calls him after work to slag off others In the team and asking if he wants to meet up for drinks. It just strikes me as complete narcissist behaviour

I had a boss who did similar, she felt threatened by me and wanted to manage me out.

It's not worth the grief working for a spiteful, small minded boss, can your dh apply for a job elsewhere in the company?

Thats awful and absolutely work place bullying.
I agree keeping a diary of these instances, keep emails both derogatory ones from the boss and any that praise his work from senior management or other colleagues.
I would suggest him speaking to HR as a first step. Bullies like this should not be allowed to continue getting away with it.

Your DH should keep a dated journal of all the interactions he has with his boss. Should he wish to raise a grievance or even have a direct conversation with his boss, it is always good to have conterminous notes.

Let’s call it what it is, because it isn’t gaslighting. It’s outright workplace bullying. The boss is a bully. DH needs to join a union and log everything, then get advice from union rep about how to proceed.

Yes to keeping a log of all these. Join a union, contact ACAS.

Does the company have an HR dept? Policies on performance management and statements on conduct?

Raise a formal complaint while looking for another job.

He wants to, but this boss will see it as an affront and likely block it and take it as a personal insult.

boss asked him to inform on others in the team if they were talking about him behind his back too, honeslty it’s vile.

the decision to decline flex working too, especially in light of COL will probably end up costing us our home. Boss knew this and prior to feedback was very sympathetic, it’s childcare costs that are the main driver and no family support, whilst I get it’s not the company’s fault or whatever, in the interview he mentioned it and they said they’re committed to things like this, hence the acceptance

Agree with the PPs advising to record all of the incidents and quote verbatim if possible without putting any opinion on it eg dont say 'boss was nasty to me and upset me', say 'boss said 'you've got the personality of a fish' I replied 'that's harsh'.

Try and get boss to put as much as he can in writing eg request meetings to work on development and send record afterwards
'In the meeting you referred to me as dull and having the personality of a fish'. You expressed that in future you wanted me to do x' try and ensure that any thing the boss asks him to do is measurable eg if boss says 'I want you to be more visible' he says 'ok how shall I achieve this, do you want me to volunteer to do x or make sure I contribute to each agenda item in team meetings' and then record how he has done this.

I'd personally record phone calls as his boss sounds completely unprofessional. Even if he never does anything with them it is good to have proof.

Finally for his work make sure he has a record eg convert his work to time and date stamped pdf, copy others into it. If his boss is claiming it as his own work he again has proof that it isnt.

Does he get on with his bosses boss so he could have an informal chat? Does he need his boss's permission for a sideways move? I dont get why his boss would block a sideways move. If his boss is telling him his performance couldnt he say 'ok based on your feedback it sounds like you dont think I'm a good fit for this role so presumably youd be supportive of finding something else'.

Going to HR is probably a last resort as often sours the working relationship further but it sounds like it cant get much worse to be fair. Just make sure all the evidence (eg passing work off as his own, making your husband do pointless reworks) is documented.

This sounds like a clear case of bullying

Also get him to put a business case for flexible working time together in writing

And make sure it references being verbally agreed

Bosses boss sounds quite nice but dh boss is very much a trusted adviser to him, and it’s unclear if dh boss has poisoned the waters (in order to justify their own pay rises and bonuses)

His boss definitely would take it as a personal insult, dh looking to move on, i think they’ve has some negative feedback as to their management style before, but classic narc it’s always someone else’s fault.