To think they shouldn't kiss / PDA?

[HolliDays]

ExH is in a new relationship (possibly weeks old - since mid to late August). The first DC are aware of since we split in 2017.

We have 2 DC, DC12 & DC10. They met New Girlfriend (NG) for the first time 2.5 weeks ago, no prep, just arrived with their dad at her flat, hung out, went to a fireworks display, back to the flat "until late" ("we watched YouTube, they weren't in the room with us") and then back to ExH home.

Second time was last weekend (bad timing we had to switch weekends so DC12 went twice in a row) - they (DC12 + ExH + NG) went out on a "date" for lunch. NG & XH were kissing, making DC12 v uncomfortable.

ExH lacks boundaries particularly with regards PDA (I had to be quite firm in early weeks and then all affection was removed when we married, so DC have never seen F display these sorts of behaviours.)

Is there anything I can do to help DC navigate this? NG has no DC, so is as awkward around DC as their F (he ain't a 'D'F he's quite cruel to them, trauma based childhood so childlike behaviours, emotional detachment, no interest shown in DC just tick boxing court ordered alternate weekends and 2 weeks max over school holidays), and together, they're proving a little difficult to manage.

DC12 is having a bit of a MH crisis currently (totally overwhelmed by a lot of things including possibility of nuclear war, cost of living crisis, Putin - you name it, they're exposed to it at F's house as news on full blast 24/7) and their anxiety is through the roof. Am using grounding techniques each evening to ensure DC doesn't spiral downwards (which they did during pandemic).

I'm concerned at how anxious DC are becoming about spending half Xmas hols with their F. DC10 keeps asking to count the days in my diary that they're supposed to be going, and is now asking me to reduce them (9 overnights).

AIBU to be concerned about all this or should I just keep reassuring DC? I'm a bit lost.

If they were touching eqch ofher and doing quick kisses in feont of DC then that’s actually healthy for DC to see and much better than seeing affectionless marriage.

If they were full on snogging at lunch table while DC were trying to eat then that’s exhibitionist, rude and crap parenting.

The biggest problem tho doesn’t sound like the PDA it’s that they don’t enjoy being at their Dads. If F doesn’t enjoy it either do they really have to go or can anything else be negotiated, particularly for DC12?

I don’t think I’d mention the PDA to F, you’ll just sound jealous. But I would say to F look we have a problem, the children are worried about spending time at yours, is there a way to make it more fun for them.

They don’t enjoy going, he is only seeing them to “tick boxes”, so why would you subject them to 9 nights with him over Christmas? 🤨

I think you need to focus on your child’s mental health. It sounds like they are really struggling . What support are they getting,

the kissing I don’t know, if it’s full on snogging with some tongue action that’s an issue, but if it is just a quick kiss on the lips it’s fine and healthy,

your child’s anxiety is the key issue here and they need formal support

Thank you. Yes it was full on snogging and a bit handsy. I've tried previously to approach the issue of DC staying at Fs before, they game all day / night and come home with square eyes looking like gaunt little vampires, craving affection and attention. This is what took it to court: I withheld due to the emotional and psychological abuse of the DC. It's ongoing.

Rock and hard place come to mind 😓

Because court order. Made in Feb 2021 it gave their F more than he even wanted.

A 12 year old would be allowed to choose how much contact they had with dad. Have you considered taking it to court?
As for the PDA, most 12 year olds are embarrassed by it. I'm assuming kissing with tongues rather than groping etc I think that witnessing a couple who never show PDA is more unhealthy as a couple who show PDA.
Unfortunately once you are divorced, you have no say over what happens at the other house. Considering how many devices people own these days, you would think that he could watch the news away from dc. 😢

Op are you sure? It sounds very unusual indeed to be full on snogging when out for lunch with kids present. I mean I’m sure some low life’s would but that is weird as fuck.

Thank you. Pastoral care at school led by the SENCO and head of year. Have also booked in with DC12 counsellor who sees them as often as they can for talking therapy. I think I could also give the ELSA lead a call - good point, thank you for the nudge.

Public Display of Affection - sorry!

Sadly yes I'm sure. I was once the NG.

It's exactly one of the reasons why I left ExH. I wanted DC to have role models to learn how to form happy healthy reciprocal relationships, and they had nothing to go on when they were infants. OH moved in with us August 2020 and we have a 1 year old - DC adore him and he them.

Sorry - also DC12 feels responsible for DC10 and whilst they know they can vote with their feet, they also know DC10 would end up going alone and that's when the real problems start.

Well I’m sorry OP, that all sounds really hard ☹️

Hope things improve for you all and well done for leaving your weird ex.