Please talk me down, I’m in an OCD/health anxiety spiral

[Ocdisabitch]

So I know I’m BU.

I woke up at 6am today, went through to check on DD who felt a bit hot but thermometer said she didn’t have a temperature. All the faffing about woke her up so DH took her downstairs to start the day. Within 20 minutes of going downstairs she was sick, and then sick again about an hour later. Just water-like sick with small chunks of last night’s dinner. She’s been completely fine since, no temperature or other illness but she has pooed a few times which is unusual for her. Not diarrhoea though.

I was perturbed that she was sick without a temperature and just after waking up so what did I do? Dr Google, which said this can be a sign of brain tumour

I’m now in an OCD spiral and feel sick with fear. I just burst into tears and when DH asked why and I told him, he got up and walked out saying he’s reached his limit with my OCD which is the first time he’s said anything like that. Normally he’s very sympathetic. I don’t blame him.

Please talk me down MN. Tell me if you were DD’s mum you wouldn’t be worried

It's very common to be sick without a temperature, and a vomiting bug can happen at any time of day. With my DD it was always when she woke up in the morning.

What help are you getting for your health anxiety/OCD?

First step is to step away from Google!

It’s normal sickness, probably in relation to a mild virus, mild enough to not cause a temperature. But it’s that time of year, bugs everywhere. Are you getting much help for your anxiety?

I think it’s good that you have enough insight to be posting on here.

The times my daughter has been sick, she has never once had a temperature. You know it’s your OCD tricking you, so listen to the people who are able to properly rationalise this. You’ll get through it.

Sit down and write a list of all the conditions you've thought you had or that your DC has had over the years. Assess each disease or condition on the list and acknowledge all of the symptoms you thought either of you had and then cross off each condition and think/or say 'We didn't have it'.

It might not work for you, but it did for me. My list was long and it really drummed it home.

I’ve had health anxiety and it massively sucks so you have my utmost sympathy. I medicated my way out off it in the end

Whenever my children have had sick bugs they’ve never had a temp btw. Just been sick.

Walk through it. She's just been sick, nothing else. She's wwaaayyyy likely to be absolutely fine.
Are you always like this, how old is she? Could you be pregnant? Have you considered Counselling?

Golden rule, kwt sleeping dogs and children lie.

Thank you everyone I’m very grateful.

I’m on sertraline and have had a lot of therapy including as an inpatient. It’s much improved now (if you can believe it). I don’t have either of my parents and haven’t for some years so I feel I lack that ‘wiser, comforting’ adult presence in my life to help me rationalise things.

My daughter is the centre of my world and I think I always worry I will lose her as life has been quite tough so far for me and I feel like a bad luck charm.

Have you been stewing on this since 6am this morning.
Still no temperature? You don't say how old she is but I'm honestly guessing it's either a very mild bug or it's teething. Or she drank too much water. Small children are a bit trigger happy in my experience.

I'm not a doctor but sadly have some experience with brain tumours. Your DD would be vomiting repeatedly, have seizures and would be clutching her head due to the pressure most likely. She would also have balance issues (not toddler clumsiness before you tick another box on your symptoms list).

You need to apologise to your DH and do whatever it is you need to do to calm down. Music, run, yoga, valium.
Im sorry you are struggling with this but it's perfectly normal for most children to throw up with little explanation.
There is a viral gastro bug doing the rounds but it's quite nasty, repeat vomiting, cough, high temps. Your DD doesn't sound like she has that either.

Oh God, so many. I was convinced she had Down syndrome when she was born because she had a soft marker in a scan that turned out to be nothing. Then it was autism because she didn’t wave or point by 1. Then it was leukaemia because she kept picking up nursery bugs and lost weight. Then retinoblastoma because of a dodgy photo where her eye didn’t reflect the light. And now this.

It’s completely draining but I feel if I take my eye off the ball I will only have myself to blame if she does get sick. I guess it all boils down to I am scared of failing as her mother.

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams no I only had the bright idea of googling it earlier this evening but have been very upset since. She’s 3. She hasn’t had any of those other symptoms it was just the couple of vomits after waking up then nothing. She has done a few poos though which is unusual for her so perhaps something mild and tummy related.

And yes I’ve apologised to DH, I know how draining it must be for him and wish I could stop it.

Oh OP, I just wanted to say that you sound absolutely lovely and that I'm confident you are in no way failing her at all. She's lucky to have a Mum that loves her so very much. It sounds like a tummy bug that she got past quickly (which is awesome!) - they pick up all sorts of things at that age and I bet she'll be right as rain within a day or too. It sounds like you've been working really hard to overcome your anxieties over the years, so I really hope you're proud of yourself. It's amazing that you've got help and come so far. You've just got to keep swimming. She'll be absolutely fine, honest

Thank you October that made me cry xx

Massive unmumsnetty hugs. I’ve struggled with health anxiety for years and it’s horrid.

neither of my kids have ever had temperatures whilst sick. It sounds like a standard run of the mill mild vomiting bug. Lots of rest and tv and fluids. She will be fine.

Thank you everyone. She was absolutely fine this morning, no vomiting and is currently jumping from sofa to sofa 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hope you don’t mind if I keep posting but having a horrible evening with the OCD. DD was absolutely fine today, no further vomiting this morning yet here I am researching private MRI scans to put my mind at rest.

I’m being ridiculous aren’t I? Or should I just book one for peace of mind? The thoughts are worse at night time for some reason. I’m going to look into further therapy I think, or upping my meds.

OP your daughter doesn’t need a scan, she is fine. Try and concentrate on yourself tonight. Have a bath, think about your breathing and repeat out loud, that you are a strong and good person and everything is calm and fine. Fake it until you make it. Make a point of doing this everyday.
Have you been taught distraction techniques. Things you can count or think about etc when the intrusive thoughts pop up?
Remember, your daughter is fine, it’s just the OCD. You are fine, it’s just the OCD.

Perhaps you can reassure yourself a little by remembering how OCD works (Im sure you will have covered this in therapy). OCD is 'content-neutral', it is not the theme that is important but the pattern of thinking. It latches onto one thought, which goes round and round in a loop of 'but what if...but what if...etc x 10000' until your brain essentially gets bored of it and latches onto the next thing. You said yourself that you have been through this cycle with many different themes (illnesses). I know it's hard because those 'but what ifs...' can feel like gut instinct kicking in to prevent something terrible happening, but that's all part of the trick. Don't give a thought more weight or validity just because you keep thinking it.

You have a rational observer in your partner and the people who've advised you on this thread and you need to defer to people who you know are thinking more logically than you. I have suffered from terrible anxiety and intrusive thoughts myself so I know that these rational explanations don't always work (as the saying goes, you can't rationalise yourself out of something you didn't rationalise yourself into) but I have been where you are and I can feel how tired it is making you. Please give yourself a break!

OP, one thing that helps me is thinking I don't want my children picking up on any kind of anxiety from me.. It really helps me rein everything in, that I don't want them to grow up and suffer like I have so try to tune into a wise, motherly, strong part of your mind and talk to yourself and the thoughts from that place..
From babies we're told to watch - are they eating/drinking/sleeping okay, those simple questions, revert to them and try to rememeber as she gets older she'll pick up on you being anxious even more and it might help you to rein the OCD in - the love might win out, it's worth trying!

Also, try to look back on times when there was something wrong and how that felt different - maybe it was intuition or a gut feeling or an internal knowing or just one of those markers (eat/sleep etc) being off) and how that felt different to the thoughts that are up there in your mind which feels more like a swirling storm..

No scan or person is going to give you peace of mind as you’ll just move onto the next thing. It’s an illness. I sympathise because I had health anxiety most of my adult life, sometimes severe. My daughter too ‘had’ Down syndrome, leukaemia. I too studied photos for eye reflections. Divorce stopped it immediately for me - I’m not being facetious but it seems that it was something else eating away at me that made me slightly insane! Look at all aspects of your life and have strength.

Thank you everyone for your calm advice and patience. DD is fine again this morning, in fact on top form! So I’ve relaxed again a bit. I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment, so stress levels are generally high. Going to do some nice calming things this weekend and get lots of fresh air. I don’t want to be a neurotic, panicky mother and have this rub off on DD.

Well done OP. Get the calming techniques in while you are feeling a bit better. It’s tempting to not bother when you are feeling better. Do you get chance to exercise regularly? I know it’s not a magic treatment but can help a little. Best of luck, remember you are doing your best and sound like a great Mum. Try and enjoy your daughter x